Monday, August 17

The Cost of Battling Dehydration

Apparently, as long as I am always armed with a fist full of cash, I should be set on staving off the latest anomaly striking middle-class employed thirty-somethings: DEHYDRATION.

Went "clubbing" in the city over the weekend.

Wait, that sounded dumb, allow me to rephrase. I was out in the city over the weekend, and we ended up at a bar/club/lounge/adult-version-of-Chuck-E-Cheese, and as we started approaching the twilight hour, I started holding off on the cocktails and asked for a glass of ice water.

Through the loud fist-pumping bass and crowd chatter, the bartender conveyed to me that they didn't just hand out ice water. "Bottled water ok?"

I was already okaying the bottled water before she got the sentence out, it didn't matter, I was just damn thirsty. The place also served a variety of yummy bar treats, their yumminess increased by the amount of salt in the dishes, so being thirsty for something other than alcohol was to be expected. If I had to buy my water, so what.

What she put on the bar was the following:

Best bargain ever!!  Doubles as a stand-in for spray paint!!

What she said next was the big shocker. Ya ready?

"That'll be five dollars."


Ya still there? Yes five dollars.

Now, I am not normally hit by sticker shock. When you grow up on the east coast, and you have an affinity for nice stuff, you start to walk into every situation of commerce already bracing yourself for the bad news. It's to be expected.

But FIVE FRICKING DOLLARS for 240 milliliters of artesian goodness from Norway??

Oh yeah, did I mention it was from Norway? Maybe the import tax was built into the cost. Or the fact that this beverage is a 0-calorie, non-fat liquid delight with no nutritional value whatsoever. Or maybe I am paying for a bottle resembling a spraypaint can, for what purpose I know not, maybe to deter would-be water-thieves by camouflaging the look of the bottle...?

What's amazing to me is that this product, made entirely from a single ingredient listed as "artesian water", tasted remarkedly like that other popular brand known as "Tap Water". You're probably familiar with that "tap water" I speak of. Well, this Norwegian artesian wonder tastes just like that!! Incredible similarity! Uncanny.

So, since I'm sure most of you have not had the pleasure of being near-death thirsty and standing in a mecca of decadence with barely five dollars in loose change left in your pocket, I will just give you a little something to use as a comparison:

Metric system is dumb.  Take that, Canada.

In case you were not privileged to get the same blue ribbon NJ public school education my parents scoured for me with their hard-earned tax money, then I will do the conversion for you:

240 ml = 0.240 liters

0.5 l = 0.500 liters

0.240 liters of Artesian Water imported from Norway in a bottle shaped like a spraypaint can costs $5.00 USD.

0.500 liters of good 'ol Nestle bottled water imported from quickie mart down the street costs 95 cents. Three quarters and two dimes.

Note to Self: Next time I have a "night in the city" on my agenda, better remember to apply for a personal loan.

Coming soon... the $115 parking ticket we found later that night on the car that I didn't park, and why I am being asked to help pay for it. Don't worry, you'll totally see my side.



  2. About 70% of fat free mass of the human body is made of water. To function properly, the body requires between one and seven liters of water a day to avoid dehydration; the precise amount depends on the level of activity, temperature, humidity, and other factors.