From the Archives: "Non-whitening Toothpaste"

Got my teeth cleaned this morning before work, so I was thinking about this toothpaste commercial I just saw. They now make "ENAMEL SHIELD". Well, thank-freaking-goodness! My teeth were feeling quite unguarded lately. I now can relax in the knowledge that my enamel will be adequately protected.

How about just concentrating on helping us retain that just-from-the-dental-cleaning feeling? Kinda like "new car smell" for the mouth? I'd totally drop a fortune on any toothpaste guaranteeing my teeth will always feel and look like they just got a good scrubdown at the hygenist.

I mean, that'd be a helluva lot better than restraining myself as long as possible from having my first cup of coffee today! Well, truth be told, a helluva lot better for everyone else.

Meantime, enjoy this blast-from-the-February, my thoughts on marketing ethics within the world of teeth cleansers.


Non-whitening Toothpaste


Would you buy it?

Non-whitening toothpaste, that is.

Seriously, if the product says, "Great mint taste and new non-whitening formula!"

I wouldn't.

Next time you're brushing your teeth (and hey, if you're doing it right at this moment, kudos to you, crazy multi-tasking hygenic computer user, you! )... take a look at the tube.

It says it's one of them there newfangled "whitening" toothpastes, don't it?
When did that happen? That the whitening agent was discovered by man, and manufactured into a dry minty paste form? The late 80's? Early 90's?

Maybe I'm remembering my childhood all wrong (like the way I recall those wintry days of walking ten miles to the bus in bare feet)... but I feel like aside from the fact that there were only like four brands of toothpaste (Crest. Colgate. Aim. And then later, the advent of the oh-so-fancy striped Aquafresh.)... that back then, toothpastes only promised (and delivered!) to do only one or two things. Provide freshness. Be minty. And on occasion, also provide Flouride (if you were into them expensive toothpastes).

Now toothpastes are doing everything short of preparing your taxes and disciplining your children. (Good thing toothpaste has a very patient demeanor.) They help you build tooth enamel. Get you desensitized to cold foods. Hot foods. Taste like bubblegum. Taste like vanilla. Taste like a vintage whiskey. Kill bacteria. Kill bacteria that has yet to be identified. Whiten your teeth to a glow-in-the-dark finish. Aside from making your mouth anti-bacterial, also anti-microbial. Keep your mouth anti-bacterial for hours. Days. Months. Make you less hungry. Make you tell the truth. And yes. Give you minty fresh breath.

But above all, most of them state the obvious. "Whitens teeth!"

Well, HECK I CERTAINLY HOPE SO!

Who wants to be the guy that makes the toothpaste that doesn't whiten teeth?? I mean, since the purpose of all toothpaste is to assist in cleaning your teeth, to some degree, by removing dirt from your teeth, you are essentially allowing the teeth to be whiter than they were when the food debris was still in your mouth. So basically, don't all toothpastes "whiten", more or less?

"Yeah. I can say for certain that we have flouride & have great minty flavor... but I don't know about this whitening nonsense. I've been using my product every day, five times a day for eleven years... and my teeth are ... well, I guess they're white. But not whiter than they used to be. At least I don't think so. Just leave it at Minty Taste! More flouride! Leave out the whitening part. I'm sure my toothpaste will sell just fine."

HAH. When there are thirty other boxes of toothpaste on the shelf, and the rest of them are telling me I'll be buying whitening action in a tube, why would I want to chance it with a toothpaste that may or may not do more than just clean my teeth??

So when do you think it started? When people realized that to sell more toothpaste, they needed to promise more whitening? Was there an actual invention of a whitening agent? I don't remember ever actually hearing it about it in the news. Maybe it got eclipsed in the headlines that day by the little girl in the well. Or the Bronco chase on the LA Freewway.


Maybe coz Baking Soda & Hydrogen Peroxide didn't need to be invented!!!!

Isn't that all it is?! Baking soda & peroxide???


So. With that in mind, I have a new wave of marketing genius that will sell more toothpaste than any human being has ever needed in one lifetime.

"Now with even MORE WHITENING POWER! And solves math problems!!!"

And every tube of toothpaste will come with a whole box of no-frills baking soda and a cheap solar calculator.


~fin~