Onions: Can't Cry Anymore

Maybe it's coz I'm occasionally a control freak, but I absolutely hate onion crying. First of all it's not real crying. Like, I'm feeling nothing emotionally, and yet I am compelled to cry buckets (and actually, it kinda hurts - that stinging is awful!) And second, it's preventable. At least that's what they say...

I've heard lots of stuff like "run the onion under cold water", "only chop chilled onions".... they aren't so effective... so I saw this one:

To stop the tears when chopping onions, light a candle near the cutting board. The sulfur compounds released from the onions will burn off before they get near your eyes.

Hmm. I'm gonna try it, and I'll let you know how it goes. (Probably as well as lighting a match to burn off certain gasses when you're in the restroom, ifyaknowhatimean!)
Hahaha, maybe I'll try this one I also found online, no less:

Using a knife, cut a cone out of the bottom of the onion (where the roots come out). The diameter of this cone should be about a third of the diameter of the onion, and about 1/3 deep. Take this piece and throw it away (don't put it down the disposal!). This piece contains the part/gland that makes baby Jesus and everyone else in the room cry when you're chopping it up. Once you've gotten that piece out, chop off the top, peel, and slice the onion. Been doing it for years, and it works like a charm. You know your cone is too small if it doesn't work, because you've cut into that teargas grenade.

OK, comedy aside, that actually makes sense. Yay! After all, there's no crying in onion-chopping!

... wait wait wait.

What do you mean you don't know how to chop onions?? Well, lucky you, your friend Toni Ryan has been feeling full of handy stuff-you-should-could-or-would-if-you-really-cared-to-know tips!

There's this handy video on Food Network's website (naturally) that is awesomely instructive on cutting basics, and also some cooking techniques. You might learn a thing or two. I learned about three things, and have successfully managed to fool my friends into believing I can "cook"... ssssh! Don't tell!