Tuesday, April 10

Lashing Out. Part 2.

The Hat Theory

So L'Oreal puts this nifty little tube of mascara out there called L'Oreal Paris Telescopic Mascara. They put it in this nifty little tube shaped like a ... (WAIT FOR IT)... telescope. Then into the nifty faux telescope goes a breakthrough wand that will distribute their awesomely awesome lengthening telescopic product as the combs in the wand lengthen and magnify and ...

Oh, who the hell am I kidding??

Hated it. And maybe you loved it. In that case, get your own blog.

Here's the main ish for me: the fancy formula might lengthen and separate and whatnot, but heck if the gunk makes your lashes too heavy. Which, if you've got sparse stubs posing as lashes (much like I do), that just won't do, and here's why. Short-stubby-lash-people swear by the lash curler. We need that contraption to make those sparse stubs stand at attention. Then, when they're facing as straight up as they'll get, on top goes the mascara. Imagine it like those fancy English guards at Buckingham Palace. They can stand tall, but they're nothing without those ridiculous large tall hats, right? Without 'em, they're like short, stubby... people. See where I'm going here? A good mascara for peeps like me is supposed to make those petite wannabe lashes look tall as all hell!

Which brings me back to the failings of the wannabe telescope. The "hats", in this case, are way too heavy for the stubs. "Too heavy!" they wail at me. Poor poor lashes. And heck with them! Poor poor ME!

"Tone, are you not feeling well?"
"You look... well, you look a little worn out. Are you sick?"

No, I'm not sick, my lashes have passed out from exhaustion, and now I look as awake as last year, but thanks for asking.

I'm finding a lot of these new lengthening formulas lately to not be making the grade because they're not passing simple Toni Ryan's Eyelash Contraption Final Exam. Particularly any mascara formula that "creates tubes" of product around your actual lash. Imagine, it's like putting on layers of heavy coats so you look fatter. If you're an eyelash-contraption user like me, heavy coats do not equal tall hats. Remember that.

As for the neato new brush. Eh, kinda cool. Maybe I'd be less lackluster if the telescoping trick had worked for me, but here's the dillyo nevertheless. It's a three-sided plastic thingy (Picture a miniature tube of Toblerone chocolate. Like that.) On each edge, itty-bitty little comb things. The idea is that as you turn the wand against your lashes, the flat side slathers product against your lashes, then the combs separate, then the next flat side slathers more product against the lashes, then the combs separate, then the final flat side slathers more product... and by then you should be done coating your lashes. Ho hum. It's fun. Whatever.

L'Oreal Paris Telescoping Mascara $7.69 at Ulta, and also available at other drugstore-like places that sell makeup on self-serve racks.

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