I Hate The Results Show

I don't like sounding so bitter in a blog, but there really is no other way to put it.

I really hate Results Shows.

This isn't just about the mismatched interpretive dancing in skimpy outfits while today's hottest pop stars perform live. Even worse is when there's a squadron of almost-nude dancers doing synchronized Vienesse Waltz on the shiny floor in front, while a Justin Bieber is squealing on stage in the back.

It's just SO weird. It almost makes me start to hate the music. Like, "How could you let them do this to your song? Tell them it's a ROCK/HIP-HOP/POP song and that SAMBA/SWING/JITTERBUG doesn't go well with it!"

And Dancing With The Stars is not the only guilty party. Ugh, American Idol, shame on you for starting this bad habit.

Why the GROUP SING?! WHY WHY WHY??? If this were The Lawrence Welk Show, then maybe the sight of happy well-scrubbed faces singing my favorite songs in unison with awkward choreography would be bearable. BUT IT'S NOT !!!

Here are my suggestions:

1) Who cares about results, really? Post them online when they're ready. Do a press conference that'll be covered in my nightly news. Or at the end of the lottery numbers.

2) Share the results at the beginning of the next show. Granted, this will suck for someone who prepped all week and now will not get to perform. Oh well. Plus the sadism of it is actually kinda funny.

3) Do the performances in the afternoon where you can watch it online. Then the results show is the Only Show. Maybe play back highlights through the hour, then announce the live result. In fact, this could make the show only 30 minutes. Even better!

4) Dance/sing FASTER! And not ridiculously faster, just enough to squeeze out the five extra minutes it'll take to mention who the loser is at the end. You either like someone or you don't. You don't need more than an hour to decide and vote on it. When the hour's up, oh well too late.

5) Idol/DWTS Maxi Show... No, no more choosing between DWTS Results & Idol Performance night. Just Wednesday, a half-hour time slot simulcast on both networks. First fifteen min, highlights from both shows, then announce the losers. Idol loser sings into closing credits while DWTS loser does a sloppy slow dance akin to an 8th grade semi-formal.


Also, please notice the word "result" is actually singular. Because it is one moment in time where we figure out who the loser is. Done & done.

As my little grandmother used to say: "One moment to learn the loser of the week does not an hour make."

So c'mon people, let's get our lives back and say NO ... say NO to Results Show!
(it's supposed to rhyme, so it makes it easier to chant)