Friday, July 30

Is Narcoleptic the word I'm looking for?

"She doesn't have cell phone privileges, that's absurd. She doesn't even have a pillow to sleep on." -- Momma Lohan

This is the latest blurb from the Lohan Behind Bars 2010 saga.... Apparently Lindsay doesn't get a pillow. Ew. Now, that I actually feel bad about. I can fall asleep anywhere, anytime, but I definitely need a pillow.

Cell phone privileges? Pssssh! Who cares?! But NO PILLOW?! After swearing on my life that I would never do this specific thing, am I now forced to to ring up Amnesty International on behalf of Lindsay Lohan??? What is this world coming to


At very very bare minimum, all I need is a pillow.

Seriously, I can fall asleep anywhere, anytime, any volume levels, any temperature, sitting, standing, walking, but I just need a decent pillow.

But, like I said, Very Very Bare Minimum: 1 pillow

Of course, if we raise the bar, on Tier 2 there's Slightly Bare Minimum: 1 pillow, 1 bedsheet

Tier 3 is the same, plus requiring the optimal temperature be somewhere between 50 and 80. And I mean, this is still on any surface. Don't forget, I am a career Girl Scout. I earned the badge for Sleeping On Surfaces Other Than Beds or Couches.

I don't think I even need a for-real mattress until about Tier 10. Like, I think I'm a hard-core closet-narcoleptic. (Is that the right word? Narcoleptic? That's not the one that means I fornicate with dead people, right?)

But I should mention what's at the other end of the spectrum. Tier 25...

Toni Ryan's Requirements for The Best Possible Sleep. Ever. :

* Big bed

* Best pillows

* High thread count sateen sheets that were hand-stitched by some artisan in Belgium

* A mattress made of a cross between Tempurpedic memory foam and clouds, using black-market technology

* Consistent sleeping temperature between 67 and 72 degrees Fahrenheit

* A wave frequency transmitter that emits inaudible tones that cancel out all ambient noise leaving something akin to being alone in outer space

* An air purifier that neutralizes ions and molecules and other really tiny particles

* A glass of water on the nightstand.



You have no idea the rush I just got re-reading that list. I imagine this is what boys must feel like when it comes to itemizing every last detail of a shiny sports car.

I'm so excited thinking about it, I just wanna sleep right now.

Someone get me a freaking pillow over here!!

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