If anything good has come of this whole Twilight saga, it's that Toni Ryan has learned a few new things about Vampires.
First of all, they like to talk. A lot.
Yes, that's one of the many things I discovered about the World According to Meyers from going to a midnight screening of "Eclipse" -- or as I like to call it, "Twilight Part Tres".
My credentials? I've never read the book but I saw the first movie. At another midnight screening, no less. And while I don't consider myself a fan of the series, but I do consider myself a good friend who says yes when friends ask for "a big favor". So off to the midnight screening we went... at 10PM (Gotta score those awesome seats for prime Bella angles!!!)
SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!
(no it's not really. just read on anyhow.)
Movie picks up where I guess the last one left off... Bella & E-Cullz (aka R-Patz) happily in lerv. Because he's ridiculously OLD, he is also OLD fashioned, and he refuses to do IT with/to Bella ("IT" being premarital relations and/or turning her into a vampire) ::::Sigh!::::
Jacob Lautner's been MIA bc Bella was Team Edward at the end of the last flick. When he finally shows up, it's clear he's been busy chanting, "GTL!" at the nearest shore house. He's buff, unusually tan considering there is zero sunlight in Washington state, and he also doesn't care for Bella's education. He first shows up at school and pulls her aside to talk, but "pulling her aside to talk" means hopping on his motorcycle to ride far far away. Yeah, good idea, Jacob, since everyone in this movie seems to have telepathy, so going far away is a great way to have a private conversation. Never mind she will probably get detention for cutting class.
And TALK they do. More talking. Campaigning for Team Jacob, telling her why she shouldn't lose her virginity/humanity to Edward, etc. You know, the usual.
But here's the biggie: High School Graduation is a month away!
(Someone cue the music! Get Pretty Boy Efron out here for a dance number... OH AND BY THE WAY, during the trailers, Efron pops on screen, and the whole audience loses their minds... and then we find out it's actually a really sad movie about Efron's character in a fatal car accident that kills his little brother. That REALLY ruined the Efron buzz in the room.)
More TALKING about post-high school plans (marriage, losing your virginity, becoming a vampire)... and I can't figure out how anyone is qualified to even graduate from Forks High since everyone seems to NOT be in class because it's either too sunny out or because some juicehead drove you off on his motorcycle.
Cut to: Graduation Party! WHOOOT!!
Yeah, WHOOOT!! if gathering with the entire Sullen Clan to talk about how to protect Bella is your idea of fun. What party poopers.
Cut to: Yes, MORE talking.
Now, take all the above intense dialogue scenes, and lather, rinse, repeat. Every conversation is long, deep, and discussed thoroughly. Again. It takes me ninety minutes to finally turn to my friend and whisper, "Is this movie any good?"
The Twilight fan she is approves. I shrug since, hey, what do I know? They probably didn't even use a script making this movie, but just read straight out of the book, thus the long talking about anything and everything. As long as the fans get it.
Dakota Fanning appears, and I perk up. "Hey I know her!" Maybe I imagined it because she's on screen for 2 seconds.
Oh, by the way, there is a suspense-building story going on in the background. I almost forgot.
See, Ron Howard's daughter wants to kill Bella. That's right, Spawn of Opie wants Bella dead, one, for revenge so she's creating an army of Vamp newbies, and two, because Bryce Dallas Howard is the actress they used to replace the original redhead from the previous two movies. Like that wasn't confusing or anything.
But the tricky thing is that you don't really understand who's behind the Vamp Newbie Army: is it Spawn of Opie or is it the Illuminati? Eer, the Voluntari, er, Atari. Whatev. Turns out Red is barely in the movie, so good thing they wasted all that time re-casting her. (In case you didn't know, that was sarcasm. I'm a little tired this morning.) It was the one thing in the movie that I DID wish they talked about MORE. Coz I didn't really get what was going on.
So here's some quick cinematic math:
Dakota Fanning's screen time + Bryce Dallas Howard's screen time
= less than 3 min
Movie Running Time = 124 min
Someone sign me up for THAT job!
So... somewhere between all the talking and love-triangle-angst (which I didn't get -- because everyone in the room knows what's gonna happen anyhow!)... turns out there is "a thrilling, action-packed climax".
FINALLY! A FIGHT SCENE!
Goodies versus Baddies!
And guess who wins. Right, the Goodies.
And guess who Bella chose. OK DON'T FREAK OUT, you already know for Pete's sake.
And then the credits roll.
Oh, wait wait, back up. Right before the credits roll, they talked some more.