Heidi Montag... WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

Listen, lady. I don't even know you. I don't even really care for you much. And frankly, I wince when I know you're gonna appear on my screen.

But honey, what in heck have you done to yourself??

Heidi Montag, I don't even recognize you!

The past week when this buzz about your dozen-plastic-surgeries-in-a-day seemed like some dumb publicity stunt cooked up by that jackass of a husband of yours, and I just simply chose to ignore it because frankly there were more important things to focus on.


(Uh, hello. Haiti.)

And I just thought it was just more of the usual minor nonsense. A boob job. A nose job. You know, the usual.

And actually, I never thought you were all that interesting when you first started showing up everywhere, but after the first few rounds of fixes, you actually kinda looked good.

So WHAT IN HECK have you done to yourself now? I mean, don't get me wrong... the work you've had done is in incredible. You look incredible. But this wasn't Witness Protection Program! Was it necessary to completely revamp your face? Didn't you and Spencer WANT us to know your faces?

You realize you'll have to get a new license, a new passport, a new Costco card, etc. How do you even go about getting new ID? "Hey guy, can you help me out? I need new club cards because I had my entire face & body completely re-done and I don't look anything like I used to. Here, I've got a note from my plastic surgeon."

Like, let's look again:



That is freaking crazy. Well, to be more specific about what else you've had done:



Um, hi, those are monstrous.

Well, ok, let's just ooh and aah for now on the wonders of technology and scientific advances. But girl, I think you need to see someone about this horrendous self-esteem problem you've got goin' on.