Tuesday, August 26

Cap'n Crunch is a masochist

Tommy Jordan & I were talking today about foods that have caused physical injury. You know, how like when you're eating a potato chip or a Dorito, sometimes it'll get caught in the back of your throat, and then a humiliating -- and upsetting! -- choke fest will ensue. Not pretty.

I hate you, Cap'n, if that is indeed your real rank!It made me think of how much I hate Cap'n Crunch. Oh, sure, you're all so proud of the Cap'n's heroics... destroying those big bad soggies with the ability to stay crunchy even hours after soaking in milk. But what the hell keeps it so damn crunchy... shellac?? I can't even begin to ennumerate the number of times I have ripped up my gums, the roof of my mouth, and the inside of my cheeks eating this stupid cereal.

And "eating"? What am I saying? I mean battling, more like it. Battling against the Cap'n and his artillery of edible shellac. And what kind of fake stupid rank is Cap'n anyway? Is that above a Sarge but below a Gen? And who would put a midget with a huge hat (with eyebrows, no less) in charge of a whole cereal-protecting armada?? I always used to think, "Man, that Cap'n Crunch sure is a poor man's Colonel Sanders. What a wannabe!"

So there it is. I hate Cap'n Crunch. And obviously, I'm also not a fan of any corn flake type cereal, unless it is frosted. And no you don't even act like you are above any type of food-aversion... I know you have been caused harm by a food in the past. (Hello! Must I remind you of the roof of the mouth pizza burn?)

'Fess up. We won't begin finding peace with our Hated Foods until we start owning up to it.

1 comment:

  1. Holy poop, I thought I was the only one who got killed by the Captain. Glad I am not alone. Also, Cookie Crisp. Kills the roof of my mouth!

    I love watermelon but it makes me burp fire. Not kidding. Might just be me.

    Popcorn. One errant kernel stuck in the throat and I am hacking all night.