Toni Ryan Says...

Just Moved! (The BLOG, that is)

2011-12-20T12:25:00.000-05:00

"Toni Ryan Says (The Blog)" now has a new home right at the 94.5 PST website...

... so if you're looking for fresh new written entertainment from li'l ol' ME (blushing!)... you can now find it there.

Or rather, HERE.

I know how aside from being occasionally informative and educational, my musings and random thoughts give you, my gentle reader, rare insight into the madness always brewing inside my large head.

(And literally, my head is large. I think I was probably meant to be a bigger person in general, so my head is totally out of proportion with my 4'10" height. Judging by the size of my bowling ball-esque noggin, I am certain that I was fated to be a bulky man, approximately 6'5" at least. But lack of sleep and excessive junk food and naughty behavior got in the way, obviously. My mom told me that.)

I also know how the occasional (or frequent) rants about bad customer service and human folly make you feel better, knowing you're not the only one feels that way. And in that same way, I also painfully let you know which one of your little quirks are actually quite annoying to other people. I am always here for you, to call you out.

But now I will entertain-inform-comfort-ridicule you from my new blog home:

http://www.wpst.com/pages/11155785.php

Come by, set a spell.

And do it soon, coz I gots things on my mind!!!

The Secret Maid

2011-12-02T13:50:00.001-05:00

Ever hear a story that is SO outrageous, but somewhat believable... because there are details in it that are so specific that only a few certain people would know of its truth? A story so elaborate and detailed, only made even more outrageous because .... the story is about YOU????

This happened to me quite recently. Wednesday, in fact, when Shinn came in to work early.

For some reason, we started reminiscing about old friends, and old flames, and old homes, and old parties... and pretty soon we were talking about "that one Christmas party".

Which one, you ask? In fact, I did ask, because there quite a many Christmas parties.

Shinn: "The one where you cleaned my entire home, top to bottom. Took out all the trash, recyling, even put away all the leftover food."

"HUH?"

"Yeah. I woke up the next day, and the whole place was immaculate. Even my kitchen counter was sparkling."

"ME?"

"Yeah. That party."

OK, so like I remember that party, and I vaguely remember putting a dish or two away in the fridge, but I sure as heck don't remember going all Mrs. Doubtfire all around Shinn's palacial estate. WTF?

And furthermore.... even if I had... drunk, I assume... how could I NOT remember a single thing about it?

Apparently there were others who can attest to my forgotten housekeeping skills from that day, so I am apt to believe this story. Also because I turn into a crazy cleaning freak on occasion.

I just simply don't remember it, that's all!

+ + + +

That ever happen to you? Something so crazy and out there that you have no recollection of whatsoever, but there is proof out in the world that says otherwise?

It's almost like losing your mind, but in a good way.

After all, I did take out the recycling too.

Magic Elixir

2011-11-30T12:16:00.001-05:00

"... cures colds & cleans glass
without streaking!!"

I've got a cold.

Poo. Not terrible, but just enough of a sniffle and a cough to be classified as "annoying". And of course, when I look up helpful "home remedies" to cure the common cold, I literally LOL'd when Apple Cider Vinegar showed up at the top of the list.

I'm sure you've heard it too. Crunchy granola people who are into homeopathic remedies will throw out the ACV as a "miracle wonder" for whatever ails you.

I laughed only because I'd already been drinking Apple Cider Vinegar on and off for the last few weeks. Yes, drinking. Not at all pleasant, my friends. Sipping a couple teaspoons of Apple Cider Vinegar in a cup of water to help with some nasty acid reflux. Did it work? Not sure exactly, but the tummy aches and heartburn haven't been as bad lately. So it is possible.

So now that my taste buds have learned to tolerate this dreaded taste, I am willing to give it a try. Apparently it's like instantaneously miraculous, so we'll know right away if this is just a bunch of hooey.

Worse comes to worse, I can always dump the rest over my head.

(Yes, read that too. Rinsing your hair with vinegar helps get rid of shampoo build-up. Sorta works I guess, but you've gotta rinse it out REALLY WELL. I'm not joking about that. And also, when you do it, KEEP YOUR EYES CLOSED. It may or may not completely cure acid reflux, but it always stings when you get it in your eyes. )

+ + + +

I'm sure in your travels or from things you've read, you could name more home remedies and magic cure-all's, usually passed down to you from some crazy well-meaning older relative. In my case, it's my mother and her loyalty to the Salt Water Rinse. Got a cold? Rinse. Got an allergy? Rinse. A broken ankle? Rinse. It reminds me of the Windex gag in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding".

Share some of your Magic Elixirs... what are they? And have they actually worked?

"Gigantic Head Drives Car, News at 11"

2011-11-15T12:08:00.001-05:00

See, they really have velcro on them.

Guys, do you know what velcro rollers are?

In case you don't, I'm posting a pic here so you know exactly what I'm talking about before I launch into today's tale. They're basically enormous plastic hair curlers, with velcro wrapped around the entire surface of the curler. The not-soft side of the velcro strip. Ideally, these curlers hold themselves up because they stick to your hair like a used dryer-sheet on socks. They're also ridiculously big because when you let your damp hair dry with these rollers in, once you're done untangling the velcro out of your hair, you're left with tons of volume (and possibly, static too).

Bouncin' & behavin' hair. Every girl wants it, and thus the Velcro Roller.

But as you can see, they're not very comfortable things to sleep on. So, I find that I don't use them unless I've got tons of time to put them all in and let my hair dry. Kind of hassle, actually.

"What?! Whatcha lookin' at??"

Which is why... when my mom asked me to take her to the airport at some ridiculous early hour, I thought to myself... 5AM.... it'll still be dark... I'm gonna roll up my hair before I drive her to the airport, and return home and get to work with bouncin' & behavin' hair.

What a plan!

Not.

The sun rose earlier than I expected. At 75 mph, I managed to avert crazy stares on the Turnpike. But not as I got closer to home, and as it got sunnier out.

I forgot how much you can see into other people's car when you're at a stoplight.

Ripped out half the curlers by the time I got back home. Had frizz all day. Very very painful memory.

LOL.

Worst Best Intentions

2011-11-10T10:01:00.002-05:00

So yesterday was my dad's birthday.

And... for the guy who has such a quirky sense of humor... I figured it would be apropos and original to pull the following stunt:

I pilfered around in his opened mail, and found a birthday card from a good friend who always remembers everyone's birthday and sends cards a week in advance, then slapped a sticky note over their names and signed mine.

I displayed the card on his kitchen table yesterday morning... and thought, "He's gonna get a big laugh out of this one."

OH HOW WRONG I WAS.

In a flurry of activity and unusual amounts of busy-ness, I haven't had a lot of time to catch up with Big Tony lately, so when I finally chatted with him last night, it all came out...

Instead of the big hearty laugh I thought he'd enjoy over coffee, he apparently spent the entire day fuming, wondering why I would do something so "insulting" (yes, he used that word.)
OMG. Seriously? I then had to calm him down and dump a proverbial bucket full of cold water and rational facts:

"Pops, think about it. Why would I go out of my way to insult you?"

"If you thought I was trying to insult you, why did you stay mad all day before asking me about it?"

"Didn't I already give you your birthday gift last week?"

"You let yourself stay mad all day because I didn't go to a store and buy a brand new card?"

Reason won out over silliness, as usual.

But after the exhausting clearing up of this whole debacle, I thought, WHY DO MY BEST INTENTIONS TURN INTO DEBACLES??

I am never doing anything nice for anyone ever again.

OK, gotta get back to my online Christmas shopping.

Password Protected?

2011-11-03T10:36:00.003-04:00

Saw this on MSN Money...

"How I'd hack your passwords", a blog from a security expert showing just how easy it can be to nab your secure passwords.

Normally, I'd have just skipped over it, but he pointed out a couple faux pas that I am guilty of (like, using the same password at a lot of different sites) and this chart showing you just how fast they can figure out your password. "

"Adding just one capital letter and one asterisk would change the [time it took to crack an 8 character password] from 2.4 days to 2.1 centuries."

Eeek. The whole article is here, but here are "Password Tips":

** Randomly substitute numbers for letters that look similar. The letter "o" becomes the number 0 -- or, even better, an "@" or "*" (for example, m0d3ltf@rd instead of modelTford) .

** Randomly throw in capital letters (Mod3lTF0rD).

** Think of something you were attached to when you were younger, but don't choose a person's name. Every name plus every word in the dictionary will fail under a simple brute-force attack.

** Maybe a place you loved, a specific car, an attraction from a vacation or a favorite restaurant?

** You really need to have different user name and password combinations for everything. Remember, the technique is to break into anything you access just to figure out your standard password, then compromise everything else. This doesn't work if you don't use the same password everywhere.

** Since it can be difficult to remember a ton of passwords, I recommend using RoboForm for Windows. It will store all of your passwords in an encrypted format and allow you to use just one master password to access all of them. It will also automatically fill in forms on Web pages, and you can even get versions that allow you to take your password list with you on your PDA, phone or a USB key. To download it without having to navigate RoboForm's website, try this direct download link.

** For Mac users I recommend 1Password (though RoboForm does also offer a Mac version). And I should also note that both of these applications have companion versions for iPhones and Android devices, so you can sync your passwords and take them everywhere you go.

** Once you've thought of a password, try Microsoft's password strength tester to find out how secure it is.

Sister Wives Family Tree

2011-10-28T10:18:00.005-04:00

Chris Rollins & I were just chatting about The Family Brown of TLC's Sister Wives... a show that should just be called "Kody & Wives + 17" ... and we realized we couldn't tell some of the kids apart.

So I found this handy little map... er, family tree, that you also might find useful, when navigating the confusing polygamist waters of Sister Wives.

From the Archives: "Final Thoughts on Halloween"

2011-10-26T11:42:00.003-04:00

This is how I know I'm OLD.

... because I proudly repeat the same curmudgeon-ly things. Year after year....

And thus I present a post from my past Halloweeens. I find that it's always relevant, year after year, so I am preemptively posting this before Halloween this year, so you little brats out there should read up!

"Final Thoughts on Halloween"

Just gotta get a few things off my chest so we can put Halloween to bed til next year.

First of all, as a person without kids, Halloween is obviously less of an event to me than it might be for other people. Well, aside from the convenient excuse to dress slutty, while couching it in a way that says it's supposed to be a "costume". It's the one day when I can get away with fishnet stockings, wearing pleather, or act like a complete skeeze. But I digress.

This is to all you in-between kids who are out & about trying to score free sugary treats. You ungrateful, sassy-mouth, pubescent twerps who are sucking all the real fun out of Halloween for all the little kids who actually get filled with joy over a roll of Smarties. If you are on the prowl on Halloween genuinely looking to take part in a fun time-honored tradition, take heed of a few guidelines:

Is NO Costume, the New Costume? What is that about? Wearing your street clothes and expecting me to give you something for free makes you sound like a little thug. Or worse, a homeless person. Wearing your street clothes and wearing a mask is also not a costume. Wearing your street clothes and no mask, but telling me it is a costume is also not a costume. Oh, and dressing slutty, little girls, is only for grown-ups. Cover yourself, for heaven's sakes!

A little enthusiasm, maybe? Sullenly barking out, "TRICK OR TREAT" at me will not compel me to give you candy. Even worse, silently pushing your pillowcase in my face will also be met by my ire. And for a short person, I have plenty of ire.

Manners, too, would be appreciated. I don't need you to pull Eddie Haskell theatrics, but a simple and genuine Thank You would sure be nice. Much better than you making a run for it as my expensive candy is still falling into your cavernous bag of loot. That mad dash from my doorstep without a word of thanks makes you look like criminal-in-training.

And finally, if those three requests are too much for your angst-ridden sensibilities, then just pretend to be polite and thankful for the free candy. Is that too much to ask??

So until next year, you little brats, stay away from my door!

~fin~

The Awesome Samaritan

2011-10-17T11:13:00.002-04:00

When you are a forgetful scatter-brain like me, you thank your lucky stars that there are still Good Samaritans out in the world.

I can't tell you how many times complete strangers have turned in my misplaced wallet (completely intact!) or stopped to help me with car trouble. I am super-duper lucky, and frankly, I don't understand why they're called "Good Samaritans" when clearly they are coming to your rescue in a time of great need. They should be called "Awesome Samaritans".

Packing for my Camp-stravaganza, I was running on a very tight timetable running last minute errands. My final stop was the most important: a beer run. I pull in to a parking spot right in front of the store, throw my keys in my purse, then turn to get out of the car when I think to myself... "I don't need my whole purse for this."

Big mistake. Huge. I grabbed the keys by the discount cards hanging from it and bounce out of the car, locking & shutting the door behind me, in one fell swoop.

Except.... no keys attached to those discount cards. Oops.

Long story short, waited in the liquor store with my shopping cart full of my six cases of beer (30-pk of cans no less!) .... I had called the local police department, and knew it might be a while (I am an expert in such disasters)... and after an hour.... finally remembered that I have AAA.

Duh. Except... I didn't have my phone. Remember the part about leaving the whole purse in the car? Luckily, said liquor store employs an Awesome Samaritan, who happily lent me his cell phone to make all the calls I needed.

The AAA guy pulled in two minutes later as I was dialing the police department back to call off the dogs.

+ + +

Have you ever been an Awesome Samaritan? I know it's hard these days to offer help to a complete stranger because it seems like no one trusts anyone at all anymore, and you're not sure if your sincere offer for help will turn into you getting victimized. But do you extend help anyone?

Just wondering if anyone still would lend their cell phone to a complete stranger, or pull over if someone needed roadside help.

Or has a complete stranger helped you in a bind, and you're not sure why they stopped to help?

(Back before cell phones, my car died at 6AM in the middle of I-95 by the Cottman Road exit... and a random tow truck driver happened to drive by and pull over.)

I wanna hear what you guys think about this. And should I send a thank-you gift to my Awesome Samaritan, or was my spoken thanks enough?

Celeb Spotting

2011-10-11T10:07:00.004-04:00

So this Entertainment Buzz story today about Katy Perry going to a Halloween attraction in full face paint was kind of funny... the one time of the year where a celeb can go out in public and be around us of the dirty unwashed masses, and just chill out like everyone else.

Anybody got any good stories of a celebrity sighting -- in an unexpected place?

I'm sure we've all got a story or two about meeting a famous person at an event like a book-signing or a concert. But what about those neat stories where you saw a celeb just out and about?

I only have a couple really minor ones....

1. Coming home from a vacation and flew into JFK airport, and Danny DeVito was in the baggage area.

2. In LA, I was at a sushi restaurant, and Kelly Preston was at the next table with some girlfriends.

3. On the same trip to LA, I was in a convenience store in "the Hills", and Ken Marino walked in. I know you're like Who?... He's a character actor that's been in a variety of random shows like Veronica Mars & Dawson's Creek.

Those last two sorta don't count, because it's like celebs are everywhere doing everyday things out there (see Star Magazine). And of course I didn't have the guts to walk up to any of them lol. In fact, in the sushi restaurant, my friends were also bugging out but also like, "DON'T STARE, TONI!!!" Hahaha, I guess it's just such a regular occurrence, and they didn't want me acting like a tourist, God forbid.

How about you? Any good random celeb sightings?

Actresses Who Should Be Hosting SNL?

2011-10-04T10:45:00.002-04:00

What actresses should be hosting Saturday Night Live?

Saw this list, 10 Actresses Who Should Be Hosting SNL .... Not a bad list... but what do you think?

- Sarah Silverman
- Anna Faris
- Emma Stone
- Chelsea Handler
- Meryl Streep
- Jennifer Coolidge
- Julie Bowen
- Helen Mirren
- Elizabeth Banks
- Kathy Griffin

Personally, I'd add on Jennifer Garner, Niecy Nash (coz I think she's hysterical), and -- brace yourself, here -- Vanessa Minnillo. Because she was actually quite funny on 30 Rock.

Anyone else you'd add on?

Knife versus Spoon versus Twirling?

2011-09-29T10:30:00.003-04:00

Ok... here we go again....

Is there a right way to eat spaghetti?

I don't really care what the "experts" say... I'm just curious what YOUR "right" way is.

Do you cut up your spaghetti first?

Do you do the fork twirling?

And if so... do you twirl straight down into the plate, or do you twirl your spaghetti with your fork in one hand, pointing into the bottom of a spoon held with your other hand?

For me, personally?

Well, in mixed company, I'll only fork up small amounts at a time that I can handle without twirling. So I think I do this dipping-and-pulling motion until the spaghetti is tangled around my fork.

On my own, I'm pretty sure I'm just slopping it into my mouth, with my head over the plate, lol.

How about you?

Best Cure For Hiccups?

2011-09-26T10:15:00.005-04:00

It seems like everyone knows the "right" way to do something.

I'm gonna start a series of posts about on The "Right" Way to Do Stuff... and basically find out the way people prefer to do everyday things.... Like when you boil an egg, do you put the egg in the water first, or after the water has boiled? Or when you hand money to someone (like getting change at a store) -- do the bills go down first, or the change?

Basically, there is no true "right" answer, but it's those sorts of small things that some people actually have some strong feelings about, and I'd love to hear why your way is the "right" way.

Today's Round... BEST CURE FOR HICCUPS.

I don't have a "right" way, but I always try the following: holding my breathe; pinching my nose while I drink water; and eating a teaspoon of peanut butter.

I saw this list in a recent Reader's Digest :

1) Suck on a wedge of lemon soaked in angostura bitters (??)
2) Hold your hands over your ears
3) Breathe into a paper bag
4) Guzzle a glass of warm water without stopping
5) Gargle with ice water
6) Eat a teaspoon of sugar, a tablespoon of peanut butter, or a spoonful of honey
7) Lay off the spicy food and the alcohol

OK... decent suggestions. BUT HERE'S THE FUNNY PART!

When I researching an online link for the above list, I came across something sorta similar on RD's website... and one of the suggestions was...

Do you SEE that? "Sip some hot sauce".

HUH?!

You confuse me, Reader's Digest!

So what are YOUR SUREFIRE GUARANTEED HICCUP CURES?

Me Plus Google

2011-09-22T11:09:00.003-04:00

Circling is what vultures do.

And that's exactly what Google Plus is passively doing around the smelly carcass that is brewing outta Facebook.

So, after the ultra confusing nonsense yesterday in the beginning of what I hear will be a painful season of more fbook changes.... I remembered... I have my Google Plus account.

Yes, the very one I launched when I got caught in the 2-day hysteria back over the summer. The same one I promptly forgot all about. Today I logged in and proceeded to Plus 1 everything in sight. Like a shameless hussy with a mouse and an itchy trigger finger, I Plus 1'd anything and everyone. Anywhere I saw a small box with a plus sign followed by the numeral 1.

Without a plan, I then flipped through names anywhere I could spot them on the screen and proceeded to add them to circles, even if their name sounded vaguely familiar. Rachel Green? I think I know her... click. Bruce Wayne? Yep, I'm pretty sure I've met him... click. Ben Dover... hmmm... CLICK!

I figure, all of this haphazard clicking will land me in circles and feeds, and in turn, add to my guerrilla tactics for rebuilding my newest social network empire.

GOSHDARNIT... if I'm not circled or Plus 1'd by all and sunder by the end of this fiscal quarter, I will hang my head in shame.

So, to answer the question formulating in your mind right now:
No. No, I don't know what I'm doing.

Feel free to Plus 1 that when you've gotta chance.

FWD: "Adult Truths"

2011-09-16T11:27:00.004-04:00

Every now and again, I get an email from my mother where the subject line starts with the three letters "FWD" ... and it turns out to be an instant classic. And it has nothing to do with gang initiations. Since receiving such an email is a very rare event, I cherish these moments and love to share them with you, gentle reader.

Behold this one.

ADULT TRUTHS

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

Bad Line Karma

2011-09-09T10:27:00.002-04:00

I have it. Bad Line Karma, that is.

I'm not just talking about this cloud of bad luck that follows me anytime I try to pick a checkout line in a store, but any line in any type of situation. At the DMV. At a gas station. Tollboothes. Communion.

And I'm convinced it's cosmic, but there are too many things at play that conspire to get in my way -- a line cutter, a store trainee, etc. It's always something.

But I also believe Bad Line Karma also applies to related nuisances -- food deliveries getting screwed up. Technical difficulties once I get to the front of the line. Finding out something is not actually on sale. ALL OF THIS SORT OF $#%& CRAP ALWAYS HAPPENS TO ME!

Who else has got Bad Line Karma just like me?

I thought of my bad fortune yesterday when I called up to order pizza... I was actually going to pass the pizzeria on my way home. "Ready in fifteen minutes," he said.

Exactly ten minutes from when I made the call, I pulled into the pizza place, and went in to pay & wait. "Couple more minutes," the guy said.

Meanwhile, I sat there while a couple to-go customers got a slices & sodas. Nearing the ten minute mark, a woman came in to place an pie order. I began to think of Bad Karmas Past, and the only thing stopping me from being The Jerk In The Store was the fact that I knew some guys that worked there. In fact, here was was one of those guys right now....

I was about to make a comment about my MIA pizza, but then he mentioned he was moving so we chatted for a few minutes... and then a few more minutes.... That lady who came in was now leaving with her pizza pie. I saw this in the corner of my eye while we talked. The chat began to wind down, when he asked, "So, are you waiting for something?"

"Yes, actually..."

"Oh, well there it is."

He handed me my pizza box from a shelf around the corner and said, "I guess it's been ready."

GRRRRRR. How long would anyone have let me wait if I hadn't known someone who worked there? On one hand I was less mad, because if I hadn't been there that extra few minutes in the beginning, I wouldn't have seen this old friend at all. But the fact that I was still standing there after all these other walk-ins had already left didn't strike anyone else as weird?

I looked at my phone when I got in my car. Thirty minutes since I made the call.

HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME. 'Nuff said.

"My Life As a Teenage Boy" ... a FOLLOW-UP

2011-08-31T14:27:00.004-04:00

So in case you missed this tidbit (from two entries down) I have an Android tablet with its own phone #, that most likely used to belong to some rowdy teenage boy.

New info... Apparently teenage boy name is TYLER.

Yes, I'm still getting messages. Constantly.

I could not have made this up, cozI am not nearly THIS creative.

So, when is it time for me to just ask for a new #... or is it time for me to start replying?

And if the answer is yes, do I reply as myself... or as TYLER???

lol

From The Archives: "Breaking News at 2PM??"

2011-08-24T10:16:00.003-04:00

Now before you get all wound up about this, I know earthquake news is important. As is a Libyan revolution.

But man oh man, why does this stuff still all seem to happen right around 2pm Eastern Standard Time???

Coz that's when ABC airs my SOAP!

Below is a recent archived fave on this very matter....

From The Archives: Toni Ryan Says, "Breaking News at 2PM??"

Anyone who knows me -- even only a little bit -- will not be surprised to know that every weekday, from 2 o'clock to 3 o'clock, the TV at my home is devoted to one thing:

Taping One Life To Live.

So, you can probably understand why I'm starting to get very fed up with something that's been happening a lot in the world. It seems like lately, the most critical pieces of important news just have to be shared between those very hours of 2 and 3.

Now don't get me wrong. An emergency's an emergency. But c'mon, seriously?
(And this is nothing personal on you local news folks at ABC NY. I'm looking at you too, DIANE SAWYER. And YOU, Mr. President!)

Press conferences would be taken seriously if they took place at 1PM. Or 3PM. Commentary about said press conferences don't need to happen before or after. I find the phrase, "Tune into the news tonight for information" sounds GREAT after a really brief news conference about an upcoming meeting/court decision/union negotiation. Updates about local, regional, and world events are also not necessary if there is no change in status.

Is it coz they wanna keep us really up-to-date? Well, that's why they invented the internet, duh.

Everyone knows not to keep soap operas on in the background in case a world emergency happens. I mean, for those of us looking for our dose of ABC's "Love In The Afternoon", we're very grateful that you want us to be aware that the 6 Train is still delayed because of electrical problems. Chances are, anyone who'd wanna know those kinds of medium-breaking news things is gonna find them out elsewhere. (Or they're already on their way to the train, not watching Dorian & David get married for the third time)

And for you world leaders, please keep this in mind too! I mean, who wants to mull on important world things and then tell the world about them right after lunch? Go have a long leisurely lunch first! Digest it. Have dessert. Maybe take a nap. Then... before you hit happy hour, that's when you call the press conference. Sorry Oprah!

(Or is this because of Oprah? Because you don't wanna miss Oprah?!? Then HELLO how about wait until after Oprah, like 5PM, so it will literally be ON THE NEWS! LIVE!)

So that's what I have to say about that: Please avoid allowing major news events to occur while my soap is on.

Now. If only we could do anything about those emergency breaking WEATHER reports... can we get on fixing that??

- fin -

My Life As A Teenage Boy

2011-08-17T09:09:00.005-04:00

So I got a tablet, and when I bought it, I was assigned a phone number.

Whatever. I didn't need it for texting, because I had my trusty Blackberry, so I never gave out the number.

But apparently the number used to belong to someone else.

A boy.

A teenage boy.

Below follows the tale of being on the receiving end of one teenage boy's cellphone. What I can tell you so far as Previous Owner, is that -- aside from being such a failure at letting people know he doesn't have a cell phone -- he is a boy in high school, probably a jock, and has plenty of annoying friends.

For several months, I've been getting messages ranging from the simple "Hey!" all the way to the ridiculous... Check out this tale below...

Yes, so apparently I've missed some pretty wild party (hey, I never did get the invite to that!), and as you can see by the big red X above, I am also the recipient of some ridiculous photogs.

... and even though I'm certain that I am not in possession of child porn (the girl is completely clothed)... I would like to share with you my artistic representation of the photo:

So what are the lessons we've learned today:

1) When one of your friends is notorious for not replying to your messages, it's good to check to see if he still has a phone.

2) The Modern Teenager -- despite how more advanced and bright than they might seem over generations past -- most of them are idiots.

3) Girls, if you're gonna send boys pictures of you in your jog bra and shorts, always make sure you've got the right recipient. To be absolutely certain, DON'T SEND PICTURES. And to be absolutely positively 100% certain... STOP USING THE CAMERA ON YOUR PHONE!

To Pee... or Not To Pee...

2011-08-02T12:13:00.002-04:00

So an interesting conversation just sparked again, and I'd love everyone's opinion on this:

A co-worker (male) was on his way to bring me some paperwork, but he stopped at the restroom on the way. He tucked the papers under his arm, so he wouldn't have to go put them down anywhere, did his business, washed up, and left.

Question: Is that gross?

LOL, I've heard so many sides to this conversation, from both men & women here at the office, and it is sort of funny.

Newman, who votes TOTALLY GROSS on this subject, was actually also in the restroom, which is how this whole dialogue got started. The co-worker had no idea he thought it was so offensive; he actually thought he did the right thing by not letting the papers actually touch anything in the bathroom.

Is it gross because the papers were under his arm (and ergo, closer to the urinal and potential "spray"), or is it gross because he brought the papers in the bathroom at all?

Would it have been less gross on the sink counter?

And what about the ladies room... where we have stall doors and there are less opportunities for "spray"? I've heard strong opinions on other people putting papers on the counter (which, frankly I think is the grossest thing about public bathrooms)

So now... how about covered food. Water bottles with the cap on. Lunches inside a bag.

"We" Versus "The Ecks Bocks"

2011-08-01T11:27:00.002-04:00

So I'm not gonna even pretend I know what I'm talking about when it comes to video games. The extent of my knowledge goes as far reaching as Words With Friends and Tetris, and as far back as Ms. Pac Man & Pole Position.

But, despite all of this, I'm contemplating buying A Game System.

All because I had so much fun playing Dance Central over the weekend. LOL. I know that one fun gaming experience does not warrant the purchase of an entire Game System, but I thought... hey, maybe I need to "get with the times" and buck up.

So, X-Box, because that's where I can play Dance Central, a game I actually now know how to play ...

... or Wii, which doesn't have Dance Central, but everyone on the planet seems to be MADLY in LOVE with it.

Need advice: Wii? X-Box? Neither?

Murder Mystery Dinner Whodunit Party Thingy

2011-07-21T09:21:00.003-04:00

I'm thinking about hosting a Murder Mystery Dinner Whodunit Party.

LOL, is that even what it's called?

I've never been to one, but I've always thought it would be a fun idea. I am lucky to have a fun group of friends who love a good house party, and I thought this might be a different thing to try out, especially because there are so many comedians and drama queens in the bunch.

Has anyone else ever hosted a party like this, or been to one? Looking for tips, stories, advice, and if there's a best brand of those game "kits"....

My only hesitation is the fact that amongst the group are a couple of wiseacres who might potentially pull the rug out from underneath everyone and screw it up. You know... the second they get bored, they'll start a ripple affect of the usual off-track hysterics that are fun, but might wreck the surprise. I'm sure you also have one or two of these kind of friends -- who, God love 'em -- can occasionally be hooligans. Do you let those friends play, or will those kind of people usually be good sports?

Going Back To Cali...

2011-06-24T11:28:00.004-04:00

They're here....

Kate & Wills are on this side of the pond (Canada still counts, right?) ... and in less than two weeks, the newlywed royals will be in California, which will include polo matches in Santa Barbara and getting fed by celeb chef Giada DeLaurentiis. I think there's also talk of hanging with Becks & Posh, which means they'll probably be chillin' with Eva Longoria non-Parker, TomKat, and have their first brush with Scientology.

Which is all well and good, but if I had my way, the most overhyped and over-publicized vacation ever had by two mere mortals would be a bit more impressive if it was just full of Cali Cliches....

Renting a convertible and cruising down the Pacific Coast Highway, with The Beach Boys blaring out of the car speakers, doing fake Valley Girl accents and screaming CHIPS at every patrol car that goes by.

Pulling up in Laguna Beach and asking everyone if they know LC.

Taking the backlot tour at Universal Studios and freaking out during the fake flood.

Stopping in at Jamba Juice, after overloading on In-And-Out burgers.

Cruise down to San Diego and laugh at signs warning you to avoid hitting border runners.

Hanging out in a strip mall in Burbank outside the Krispy Kreme waiting for the HOT light to go on.

Driving down (or past) Lombard Street in San Francisco in a trolley car.

Taking the Alcatraz tour (and then quoting scenes from So I Married An Axe Murder)

Um, HI, Disneyland!

... and there are TONS of other great Cali Cliches that I've missed that are pretty obvious (help me out here).

I mean, listen to this crap from People:

During their stay, the prince will play polo in the wealthy enclave of Santa Barbara, while both he and his new bride will focus "on supporting British interest in California through the prism of their own interests," says an official spokesperson from St. James's Palace.

Prism of Interests? HUH? Polo Match?? Bo-ring!

Wouldn't it make for better diplomatic relations (and much funnier pics to add to the Official Kate & Wills page on Facebook) to see them posing in front of the Bates Motel set, or with the Golden Gate Bridge in the background ...

Seriously, c'mon... The Duchess on a Surfboard?

That's one step closer to global unity than her playing in Suri Cruise's treehouse, wearing a Zac Posen dress.

The Vehicle Registration Card

2011-06-16T11:22:00.005-04:00

Hey DMV! I don't get it. What is the purpose of the Vehicle Registration Card?

I can't speak for what goes on in other states, so this is only based on what I know as New Jersey licensed driver, with a car I purchased, registered, and insured here in the great Garden State.

As long as everything is on the up and up, then I can go about my day in my car with relatively little stress, right? INSPECTION + INSURANCE + REGISTRATION + DRIVER'S LICENSE.

So, INSPECTION sticker is on the car.

INSURANCE Card is in the glove compartment.

And as for the DRIVER'S LICENSE and REGISTRATION card, I keep both in my wallet.

[I know most people just keep the registration card with the insurance card in the glove compartment, but I found that after having had a car stolen in the past, all of the info useful to the cops -- like plate & VIN #'s -- is better off in my wallet than inside the stolen car. However, it can be a nuisance when you lend out your car to someone and forget to pass along the registration card. Side note, also a pain in the ass if you ever lose the stupid thing when you're leasing a car... because you have to get a POWER OF ATTORNEY from the leasing company to take to the DMV to get a replacement card,..... Now, imagine all the days of waiting to get this done, with the threat of a $176 ticket looming over you while driving. STRESSFUL to say the least!!]

And all this made me start to think.... WHY THE HECK DO WE EVEN NEED A REGISTRATION CARD?

And what is UP with that ridiculous penalty for not having the card on you?

Here are my many random thoughts on this topic:

* * Your LICENSE PLATE. Before you get pulled over, haven't the cops already looked you up on their handy in-dash laptop? Which tells them a bunch of stuff about the car, who owns it, who it's registered to, and likely who is probably behind the wheel. And if they can see who the car is registered to just from the info on your tags... then can't they also tell whether or not your registration is current? And if you've borrowed someone's car, wouldn't this just make everyone's lives a little bit easier not having to dig around to find their registration card?

* * Take a look at your registration card.... your driver's license # is on it. Which means your car registration is linked to your driver's license. Which means if you hand over your driver's license (and pretty soon, a super fancy digital driver's license at that) - that should also say what cars are registered to you (and again, whether or not your registration is current, right?)

* * Your car's license tags are metal with numbers embossed. Inspection stickers have serial numbers on them, are a pain in the ass to scrape off yourself, and are affixed right on your car. Your driver's license is digitized, has your photo on it, and is strong like credit card. But yet, he registration card is a flimsy piece of laminated paper with a barcode on it. Hmm. Something says, "Not as important" on the Motor Vehicle Food Chain.

* * Um, HELLO. Your name, address, birthdate, and even your SS#. Any combo of the previous four pieces of info entered into an MVC computer will pull up info about YOU... including YOUR PICTURE.... And... gonna make a leap here... I'm guessing also info on all the vehicles you're affiliated with, the license plate #'s of those vehicles, and whether or not these vehicles are registered. And that's assuming you're naked without clothes, pockets, a purse, a wallet, or any other identifying information! Seriously. What if you are driving stark naked? Where the hell are you supposed to stuff all these things???

OK, so that's my very sensible reasoning for giving your flimsy Registration Card the ol' boot.

(Just don't get me started about what to do with the even flimsier, non-laminated Insurance Card... because obviously you can't get a new registration card without current insurance anyhow! )

Girlist Profiling

2011-06-08T10:45:00.003-04:00

I dropped into a home improvement store this morning to pick up a specialty bag of potted soil. I'd looked it up online, and was pretty sure I saw that it was widely available at a nearby Home Improvement Megastore. (Let's call them HIM for the sake of this story. )

After a long while of roaming the massive home & garden area of HIM, I eventually stumbled into the masonry & lumber area, where a very nice staffer asked if he could help me. I told him the name of the product, and he thoughtfully walked me around to where he thought it would be, but he was pretty sure he'd never heard of this product. (It is made by a well-known manufacturer).

I lightly insisted that it was indeed the name of the product, what it did, and that I really believed it to be in the store. But because he was so nice about offering me alternatives and how these other products might work, I didn't push the matter and left empty-handed.

Of course, I get to a computer, and sure enough, the product was indeed in stock in my local HIM store. I know I should have pressed, but I always feel like I shouldn't have to insist so much. And I do believe that he was being as helpful as possible, but I do think he didn't take that "extra step" of looking it up because I don't think he really even believed the product existed.

This happens to me a lot.

[And don't think for a second that I don't know how to explicitly communicate myself; anyone who knows me knows for sure that I am super-detailed, do TONS of research, AND I'm real stubborn. ]

It just gets real tiring having to try just a little bit harder to get what I want because people don't take me seriously coz I'm (1) a girl, (2) young looking, (3) foreign looking <-- and I know no one wants to believe that, but it is true -- and/or (4) stupid looking.

Not only does this ALWAYS happen to me at the HIM store, but also in an electronics store*. I do seem to encounter a lot of people with Girlist attitudes. Yup, that's my word for it. Girlist. Because younger females (who don't seem to know what they're talking about) tend to get treated like this a lot.

Now now, before you get all riled up, I'm not talking about out-and-out sexism or racism, but just this generic preconceived prejudice that happens to women, youngsters, or stupid looking people. You folks in retail, is it really so hard to give customers the benefit of the doubt? I've worked in retail and fast-food, so I know it can be challenging dealing with some people, but c'mon... isn't that why we call it customer service??

Ok. I'm done. Your turn.

* Just imagine me trying to buy audio related gadgets, getting a sales pitch from some smug teenage geek. I LOVE pointing out when they're wrong. LOVE. How is their 2-day crash course in-store training supposed to compete with my college education in acoustics?? ROFL.

America's Favorites?

2011-06-03T10:48:00.004-04:00

A couple weeks ago Parade had a compilation of random stats... including this list of "America's Favorites".

Looks like I'm only about 40% of an Average American coz all my answers woulda been different except for two.

Here are mine:

TV STAR: Alec Baldwin
SPORT: Football
COOKIE: Sugar cookie
CANDY: Reese's PB Cup!
ICE-CREAM TOPPING: Hot fudge

What would your answers be? (i.e. How Average are you? lol)

Movie Worthy Embarassing Moments

2011-05-31T12:33:00.003-04:00

I just read this blurb that Dolly Parton -- who is renowned for wearing wigs -- lives in constant pseudo-fear of having a wig-related moment of embarassment.

"One time I was riding a bicycle [in] this little grove with an overhanging tree.... I cycled under it, turned around and there was my hair hanging from a branch."

Shame.

But I cannot laugh. At least not aloud. And neither can you.

So, here it is. My most Movie Worthy Embarassing Moment.

At least, it's the only one I can think of, because I'm sure there are many... I am just good at repressing the humiliating memories of it. (This is mainly why I very rarely remember anything... because I am a full-time klutz and spend most of my time pretending I didn't have these incidents.)

I was raised in a household where you dressed up for church. This was pounded into my head enough that even as an adult, I still would wear hose and heels and "Sunday's Best" to mass. One Sunday several autumns ago, I was wearing pressed slacks, a blouse, heels, pearls, overcoat, the whole snooty shebang. Went to mass. Sauntered into church like a bitch on wheels. Walked all the way up and sat down in a front pew. Silently scoffed the slobs who came in jeans. Even scoffed at the jeans-wearing ragamuffins I passed as I walked all the way back to my car down a busy street.

When I got home, I remembered that right before I had to leave for church, I had to make a quick peepee....

... and I had pulled my pants up over my the back of my coat. And it stayed that way until I got home and realized it.

Ergh.

I wear jeans to church now. I've learned the error of my formerly snootylicious ways. And so now I've bared my humiliation for all to see, please share yours. Thank you.

Cheryl Cole Huh?

2011-05-27T11:21:00.003-04:00

So by now, anyone who pays an ounce of attention to television has heard of Simon Cowell's X Factor.

The latest buzz on this is that he was bringing his X Factor brethren Cheryl Cole across the pond to be a judge. In the UK, she is a pop starlet and former girl group-er who also got her start on X Factor. And from clips I've seen, it looks like she can handle the seat next to Simon at the judging table. Plus she's drop dead gorgeous.

No wonder at all that she came as part of the X Factor package.

Except, now she's gotten the axe... and supposedly, it's because her accent is a bit... much.

Not sure if it's English, Welshish, Scottish, a combo...?

If you can identify what is up with gibberish coming out of such a beautiful woman's mouth, please fill me in.

From The Archives: "Black Tongue? Don't Panic."

2011-05-25T10:22:00.007-04:00

Sometimes the wisdom that li'l ol' Toni Ryan likes to dispense on ye is the sort of timely nonsense that will no longer be interesting or relevant in, say, a day or two.

Like how to prepare for a predicted apocalyptic event. Or why they need to revive the 90210 franchise. Or why slap bracelets are the new classic fashion statement, move over Little Black Dress.

But there are times where not only is my helpful advice timeless, but occasionally, the answer to a universal mystery. So today, I am reposting this gem from the Fall of 2008... especially for those of you who have searched for reasons why your tongue is black.

"Black Tongue? Don't Panic."

Woke up with a BLACK TONGUE today.

Ever happen to you? If it ever does, don't panic. Don't panic, mainly because I'm certain I panicked enough for an entire planetful of black tongue surprises.

Long story short: CHEWING PEPTO BISMOL TABLETS causes your tongue to be black.

Popped one before bed after an enormously huge meal at TJ's. Enormously huge, and enormously awesome. Overate in a way that would make Mr. WeightWatchers roll in his grave. Oh, and then I got home and started to do the gripping double wham-bam drama combo of Desperate Housewives and Brothers & Sisters, and just started reaching into my bag of leftovers... Next thing I knew, it was 1AM and I was like trying to force a huge burp thinking to myself, "Oh my God what did I do!!?!!??!" Woke up this morning feeling right as rain. Well, at least I did until I looked in the mirror. Nearly passed out, I was so freaked out.

And don't bother asking me for the chemistry specifics, because I got a D in High School Chem. But I am bright enough to copy/paste the link to this blog where I got my answer (and also unwittingly found myself an erstwhile Black Tongue Support Group)

It's only been minutes since I got the scare of my life, but since I realized I'm not dying, now I wanna go to Disney World!!!

But first, gotta scrub off that danged tongue!!!

Who Are YOU? (Bachelorette-style)

2011-05-24T10:19:00.003-04:00

I don't normally watch any of the Bachelor shows, but I did catch the first few minutes of the latest Bachelorette, and it was pretty hysterical.

Apparently, the current Pretty Person Lookin' For Love this time is a gal from Philly. And as she is talking about herself and what she's done since the show ended, there's a montage of scenes of her looking off into the distance with great Philly landmarks in the background...

... her running the Art Museum steps

... her at Boathouse Row

... her by the LOVE statue

... her doing free form ballet on stage at the Kimmel Center

OK. I got it.

We're establishing that
1) she's from Philadelphia
2) she likes to run
3) she's from Philadelphia
4) she's a dancer
5) she's from Philadelphia
6) and that she likes to chill out by dancing on an empty stage when the Philadelphia Orchestra isn't busy using it.

Hello, RANDOM!

But I was thinking, as corny as it was, it was a rather clever visual way of letting people know who this gal is, and where she's from.

SO, what would YOUR opening montage look like? Scenes from your town? You at your job? Doing your hobbies inside famous local landmarks?

This would be mine:

Fade in from black....

...Wide shot of me playing with my Samsung Tablet on Princeton U campus (the spot where Russell Crow was playing chess in A Beautiful Mind). Dissolve to....

... Me in a diner eating Disco Fries. Cut to...

... Me in my car on 287, flipping off another car ...

... Me chatting it up with the mall walkers at Quakerbridge ....

... Me buying Taylor Ham inside a Jersey City bodega ...

... Me talking to a random person in line at Kohl's ...

... Close up of me on a couch, watching my soap... camera pans out to reveal...

... me, the couch, the TV ... we are all outside, along Route 1, in front of the Menlo Park Mall.

OK. Your turn!

Palmer Square Gift Card Giveaway - LAST CHANCE!

2011-05-19T11:13:00.006-04:00

Tonight is the 5th Annual Girls Night Out in downtown Princeton! .... and today is the FINAL DAY in the Palmer Square Gift Card Giveaway!

TODAY'S PRIZE:
a $50 Gift Card to Dandelion Jewelry !

Just post the following phrase on Palmer Square's Facebook wall, and you’ll be entered to win this final prize!

TODAY'S WINNING PHRASE IS:

"I like WPST and Palmer Square... and can't wait for Girls Night Out!"

So copy & paste that RIGHT NOW and have fun at tonight's Girls Night Out!

Go Go's, Vacation, Record, 4th Grade

2011-05-19T09:36:00.004-04:00

Matthew Morrison from Glee said that the first album he ever bought as a kid was Weird Al's Even Worse. Had to save up for weeks so he could buy the tape.

Aaah... first album memories.

Mine was Go-Go's Vacation, and my dad ordered it through one of those mail order companies that would send you eight records for a penny... plus exorbitant shipping & handling. (Technically this was not the first album I bought, but it was one that I picked out, and frankly, I'm pretty sure I had a penny in my piggy bank.)

I don't know how many days that summer that I sat on the lawn waiting for the mailman, worried he'd give up and leave if he couldn't fit the box of records in our mailbox.

And then finally.... after four to six weeks sufficiently rolled by... there it came. The box.

So... the question is What was your very first album?

What was the name of the album?
Who was the artist?
Was it on vinyl or cassette? Or CD?
How old were you?

Palmer Square Gift Card Giveaway Day #3

2011-05-18T11:22:00.010-04:00

Tomorrow night is the 5th Annual Girls Night Out in downtown Princeton!

"An evening of exclusive promotions and discounts brought to you by the shops and restaurants of Palmer Square in downtown Princeton"

To celebrate, you lucky listeners are in the midst of another awesome Palmer Square Gift Card Giveaway with a new prize every day leading up to the event!

TODAY'S PRIZE: a $50 Gift Card to
Princeton Soup & Sandwich Company!

To enter, post the following phrase on Palmer Square's Facebook wall, and you’ll be entered to win today's prize! (Just make sure you've already clicked the LIKE button!)

TODAY'S WINNING PHRASE IS:

"I like WPST and Palmer Square. My favorite thing to eat on the Square is..."

Favorite thing to eat is a Bent Spoon sorbet, but my fave place to dine is always always always Teresa's. Man, I should never talk about food on an empty stomach!!

So copy & paste that RIGHT NOW -- today's winner will be posted on their Facebook page, but don't forget to check back TOMORROW for your last shot to win!

Pop Culture Trends

2011-05-17T11:44:00.008-04:00

Watched Twilight #2 on demand yesterday. I will never get those two hours back, will I?

Don't ask me what the correct title is, but it was definitely the middle one. And you Twi-hards, please refrain from the hate mail and cut me some slack: I've seen the first one, and I liked it. I did. I didn't love it, but I did like it. So much so, that I'd actually stop what I was doing and watch some of it if it was on TV. In fact, I have done that.

When #3 came out, my friend asked me to come with her to the premiere... and since I had tickets from work, I went along. (Yes, I really did. Here's the proof.)

I didn't hate it, but again, didn't love it. At the cost of what a movie ticket is these days, I try to savor every moment of the experience, whether or not I paid for it, and whether or not the movie was any good. Ten bucks is ten bucks, people!

So, when I had some downtime yesterday afternoon, I figured I'd watch The Middle One, and maybe some stuff from #3 would make more sense.

And it probably would've, if I'd have paid attention.

I didn't. It was basically moving wallpaper in the background, while I played Angry Birds on the couch.

----

Ever try to jump into a pop culture phenomenon late in the game? Harry Potter? Gossip Girls? Jersey Shore? Glee?

I started watching Lost after two seasons had gone by, and engorged on back episodes in the space of a week. I was hooked. And then it sucked. And then, I was thrilled it ended.

I also got into 24 three seasons too late. Actively watched a couple seasons in real time, and gave up. Too much mindless running around deactivating things on a full bladder, and never once taking a bathroom break. It drove me crazy.

So.... what pop-culture trends are you hardcore about, or have tried and hated?

Day #2 Palmer Square Gift Card Giveaway

2011-05-17T10:07:00.005-04:00

Palmer Square's Girl's Night Out is this Thursday!

The 5th Annual Girls Night Out is sure to be another fun night of exclusive promotions and discounts in downtown Princeton! If you follow Palmer Square on Facebook, you know how much GNO is loved by the ladies who love to shop...

... and you know that you PST listeners have chances to get in on the fun with the Palmer Square Gift Card Giveaway.

And it's easy to enter this free contest for some great prizes every day leading up to the event!

Today's Prize:
$50 Gift Card to Ann Taylor on Palmer Square!

TODAY'S WINNING PHRASE IS:

"I like WPST and Palmer Square. My favorite Spring fashion trend is......"

Geez... I think my answers two days in a row will have something to do with shoes... My favorite Spring fashion trend is ESPADRILLES. A classic in my book.

So copy & paste the winning phrase right now at Palmer's Square's Facebook page to get entered to win, don't forget to check back TOMORROW for your next "winning phrase" ... and a chance to win a Princeton Soup & Sandwich Company gift card!! (And yes, YES soup for you! lol)

Palmer Square Gift Card Giveaway - Day #1

2011-05-16T11:26:00.005-04:00

The date on the calendar is one thing... but there's one thing I know for sure about the start of Spring ... and that's a Girl's Night Out in Palmer Square.

Ladies... this Thursday is the 5th Annual Girls Night Out... "an evening of exclusive promotions and discounts brought to you by the shops and restaurants of Palmer Square in downtown Princeton" !

And aside from the great finds and awesome shopping, here's another reason to love Palmer Square in Spring.... the great Palmer Square Gift Card Giveaway for you lucky PST Listeners :

Today's Prize: a $50 gift card for Lace Silhouettes!

Soooo easy to win!

FIRST, just go to Palmer Square Princeton's Facebook page and make sure you've already clicked the LIKE button...

... THEN post the following phrase on their wall, and you’ll be entered to win today's prize!

TODAY'S WINNING PHRASE IS:

"My Favorite Store is ..."

Hmmm... every time I have to answer this question, I can never seem to pick the same Favorite Palmer Square store... but today, my answer is probably "Aerosoles" because of the comfy shoes I scored there that helped me get through standing all through PSTFest last night!!

So copy & paste that RIGHT NOW -- today's winner will be posted on their Facebook page, but don't forget to check back TOMORROW for your next "winning phrase" ... and a shot at a Gift Card for Ann Taylor!!

I'm Not Myself on Facebook

2011-05-16T10:59:00.005-04:00

Just read this little blurb in Consumer Reports... that 1 in 7 people alter their personal info in some way on Facebook to protect their identity.

Smart, I say.

In fact, so smart, that I was all over that four years ago when I joined Facebook. Don't believe me?

All you Facebook friends o' mine... how old am I?

Yup, I don't really know either.

'Coz when I signed up, I filled in a year under my Date of Birth that I picked at random. Which was great. But if I ever need to prove it's my account by providing my birthdate, chances are I'm gonna get it wrong. Which I'm sure -- in the world of identity theft -- is a major red flag for fraud.

This'll be my defense, behind bars: "(hysterical sobbing) I sweeeeaaarrr... it's really meeee..... (sob sob sob) I don't know how old I am.... I sweeearrrr! I just wanted to (dry heave dry heave) ... I just wanted to poke people!!!!"

See ya later, Christian Slater.

2011-05-12T11:24:00.000-04:00

Liking a new TV show that gets cancelled is like crushing on the guy across the bar and finding out he's married. Or gay.

Fox's "Breaking In" isn't married, or gay, but it did get cancelled.

POOP!

I liked it. This is the Christian Slater sitcom that comes on after Idol -- sorta quirky, in that Parker Lewis Can't Lose way. And honestly, I still hold a little place in my heart for Christian Slater from the days of Tiger Beat, so I'm pretty bummed.

Last show I liked this much that got the axe a bit too soon... Better Off Ted - the quirky sitcom with Portia de Rossi. Hmm. I'm sensing a theme here.

Can you think of any other shows you fell for and then got the mid-season-replacement rug pulled out from under you?

I can't seem to think of many others, well of course, Veronica Mars (may you RIP, you quirky little number.)

Oh, duh, obviously Arrested Development. Still pretty pissed about that one.

If Nancy Drew & Encylopedia Brown had a baby...

2011-05-11T10:15:00.003-04:00

So, you might've heard me talk about how I solved the case of The Missing Camera that popped up in our stuff when we were unpacking from the Easter Egg Hunt last month. There was no name or identifying info on the camera, just pics of kids in costumes, kids at ballet class, kids at Taekwondo.

Toni Ryan was on the case!

I took a really good look at some of the logos in the Taekwondo pics, figured out where the studio was, and decided I was going to drop the camera off there, knowing someone would recognize the kids in the pic and take it from there. I announced my intentions on the air yesterday morning.

... and then, tada!, someone called up and rightfully claimed the camera!!

Which means, of course, I could've just mentioned this on the air weeks ago and gotten these poor folks their camera a long time ago. But what fun would that have been??

I know that I love a good whodunit. I remember thinking Agatha Christie was the bomb and scarfing down Nancy Drew books when I was a kid. (This was back when kids used to read and play outside, in case any of you young folks were confused.)

But the books I loved most were ENCYCLOPEDIA BROWN.

Does anyone else remember those books? He was a kid detective who was really smart -- his knowledge rivalled the Brittanica (again, sorry to the young folks for the dated references) -- and he always thwarted the neighborhood con artist (I'm talking to you, Bugs Meany!) with his clever mind, racing around town on his bike with his sidekick Sally. (They were just friends, people. Never mind the obvious junior-high chemistry.)

Gimme a shout if you also loved the E. B.

The Tomorrow Show

2011-05-09T11:13:00.002-04:00

Meredith is out.

Who should be in?
Who needs a job?
Who'd be Meredith-appropriate?
Who's worthy of couching it with Lauer?

Katie Gosselin? Samantha Harris? Kelly Ripa? Stacy London? Tila Tequila?

Chocolate Biscuit Cake

2011-04-29T14:01:00.004-04:00

So there were no canapes and champagne for me this morning.

Just the usual Friday morning cold pizza and lukewarm coffee.

But reading about The Royal Fruitcake and Prince William's love of the "Chocolate Biscuit Cake", I needed to know what the heck this was. Came upon this blog that had some useful background, like describing this confection as "more like a thick chocolate cookie than a true cake".

Aaaahhhh.

And now looking at the pics and the fact the recipe involves double-boiling chocolate, then letting the whole thing set in the fridge (it's not baked) -- I imagine it is like a thick slice of a wafer or cookie covered in chocolate. Or... a biscuit.... Covered in ... (yes) chocolate.

Seriously, Will? This is what you wanted for your wedding? Hi, it's called Tastykakes, buddy. Google it.

I think I'm gonna try making it, but with graham crackers instead of English tea biscuits. And I think I'm gonna like it. But I don't know if I'm gonna love it.

Which is why it is all for the best that I was never asked to be the bride today.

Royal Wedding Mania

2011-04-26T13:32:00.004-04:00

I loves me some Royal Wedding.

Even though I haven't been going berzerko talking about it, I really am pretty excited about the hullabaloo that goes along with an English monarch tying the knot. I remember being six years old at swimming class, trying to strike up conversation with an older "cool girl" with the line, "So, pretty excited about the Royal Wedding, huh?"

(Even though that marriage fizzled, I did learn to spiff up my idle conversations skills during the intervening years. Thank God.)

So even though I have dozens of other things I can store on my DVR (like re-runs of Tabatha's Salon Takeover), I'm making room for Katie & Wills' big day!

The only thing I'm not in love with, is all the pre-wedding TV programming that ranges from the boringly informative to the outrageously obsessed. Hello, a TV movie? "Based on a True Story". Duh. Somehow, watching a dramatization of people's lives if they're still alive, and not in prison, just seems a little invasive to me. I don't know why I don't mind watching about the American student in Italy, but somehow reenacting someone's personal love story seems a little meddlesome. Sure, I wanna watch their wedding and stuff, but I don't need to know how they fell in love.

And also a Major Dislike for something I caught last night: what Kate & Will's wedding will be like (we think). Caught this show last night that had dress designers, cake makers, florists, etc. who have worked on royal weddings in the past. They had all these people drum up their version of what they would do IF they were doing Kate & Will's wedding. IF. Huh? The cake guy made a ten layer cake for an imaginary wedding that he wasn't even hired for, just for the sake of TV.

Frankly, if it were me, I'd be like, "Uh, no thanks I don't wanna be part of your Imaginary Royal Wedding show. But thank you. Thanks for reminding me that I didn't get asked this time."

Now, excuse me. I have a Franklin Mint commemorative dinner plate I need to go and order.

Little Guy vs. The Man

2011-04-20T13:52:00.004-04:00

So, the background on this post is that ABC is cancelling my soap, and since the news broke, there has been such outrage amongst the soap-loving community. You might've heard all of this already.

As much as I love my soaps and also consider myself one of The Outraged, I don't know if I can really boycott watching ABC. Honestly, I like Castle too much.

Otherwise, I'm 100% on board for the boycott.
(Easy enough since I haven't been watching DWTS at all this season.)

Plus, the soaps in question (All My Children and One Life To Live) aren't going off the air til later this year and next January, respectively. To heck if I'm gonna boycott ABC while my soap is still on the air!

Have you ever participated in a boycott or a campaign and actually got results?

Wondering if anyone things all the outpouring of soap-anger will get my soap uncancelled?

MY SOAP GOT CANCELLED.

2011-04-18T08:56:00.014-04:00

Some vacation.

Yeah, while I had an AWESOME time, and sat in the SUN, and RELAXED, my vacation sucked. Because when I got home on Thursday, I return to find out THEY CANCELLED MY SOAP OPERA!!!!

Way to wreck my vacation glow, ABC!

Yes, after 43 years of quality dramedy, One Life To Live has gotten the axe. I'M SO PISSED. In fact, when I got home, I scarfed down the four episodes I missed, even though -- if you'll recall -- Thursday was a gorgeous day out. I actually came home, and stayed inside because I was glued to the TV finding out what happened while I was gone. And then, after it was all over, clicked over to live TV, in the middle of the nightly news, and there it was. The face everyone fears: George Stephanopolous. Reporting that ABC had pulled the plug on OLTL.

I now hate you too, George, and every ounce of your credible stephanopolousishness. Because I looked into that boyish-slash-serious face and realized this was not a joke.

I don't know where to begin.

Soaps are an institution. Anyone who dares to disagree clearly has never had an afternoon off to chill at home. If you ever played hooky, or were home sick, then you've seen a soap. As for me, I was five years old at my babysitter's, who crocheted and drank cans of Tab while watching the sands of the hourglass, and I pretended to be napping on my beanbag in the corner. And that's when I fell in love with the idea of "Love in the Afternoon".

I watched Luke and Laura fall in love. I remember when the big C killed Mary Capwell. I couldn't understand why Roman Brady now looked like another guy in town. I decided I wanted to name a daughter Sierra or Siobhan, even though I didn't really know how to spell either. Bree Van De Kamp went from Edge of Night to Llanview to Melrose before she moved to Wisteria Lane, and I watched all of those incarnations. Tad and Jenny. Delilah and Rafe. Cruz and Eden. Viki and Niki (and Jean, et al). Sunset Beach lasted a millisecond, but I still love Ben Evans. I was a little confused why Dance Party USA's Kelly was now in Pine Valley. I missed Jade Perkins, until I realized she was better off as Jennifer Horton. I even got over hating Todd Manning & the gang rape after he bonded with Hayden Panettiere and CJ. Especially when he got a hot new face.

Why is the ultimate soap opera playing out in real life? The killing off of an entire genre?? Except, it's sort of a lame story in itself -- the villains are so obvious. We know it's not gonna end well. An evil twin isn't gonna come back from the dead and claim they were switched at birth and save the day because they've had a change of heart after getting major facial reconstruction. In a jungle. In space.

So All My Children and One Life To Live will both be gone by this time next year. General Hospital, The Young and the Restless, Days Of Our Lives, and The Bold and the Beautiful will have to uphold the soap mantle all by themselves, but I just don't know how long they'll last. So, in true soap form, this is how a proper soap ending goes... a ridiculously long montage of the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Feel free to jot down your favorite soap memories here....

(Here's one of mine. It's My Actor Friend Justin Paul Kahn threatening my favorite Todd Manning with a faux gun:)

Toni Ryan's Public Service Announcement If you, or someone you know, is suffering from grief or debilitating anger from this news, please check out the resources below. Don't suffer in silence. Only a character in a soap about to be killed off would do that.

Toni Ryan Says! The Appendix I: Angry Letter Writing Campaign?

Anne Sweeney President, ABC Television ABC Studios 500 South Buena Vista Street Burbank CA 91521 CALL: Anne Sweeney direct office line: 818 460-7700 E-Mail: Anne.x.Sweeney@email.Disney.com

Toni Ryan Says! The Appendix II: Best Soap Podcast

Daytime Confidential... they say everything you're thinking. And then some. And they've got a great hotline if you wanna sound off -- your comments might make their next episode! 917-677-9757

Kelly Clarkson called. She wants her DNA back.

2011-04-07T14:18:00.001-04:00

When I was a kid, I got laughed at.

Yeah, you're sorta pissed off for me, aren't ya??

Well, this morning I got laughed at.

'Coz I was going around saying Lauren Alaina looked like Kelly Clarkson last night on Idol. In fact, that choice of "Natural Woman" (which seemed like it could've passed for Kelly Clarkson on sleeping pills... zzzzz....) -- and the way Gwen Stefani dolled up Lauren's hair -- frankly I thought she looked EXACTLY like Kelly Clarkson.

Here be the proof:

OK, so now that you sorta agree with me, can we go and beat up the people who laughed at me?

You Don't Know Me. (NETFLIX, I'm talkin' to you!)

2011-04-06T10:30:00.001-04:00

Disclaimer first: I LOVE NETFLIX.

I do. However, all love aside, Netflix ain't so good at recommending stuff. Whatever formula they use for figuring out what you'd be interested is in need of some tweaking.

Case in point....

So, lemme get this right... because I LOVE Arrested Development and 30 Rock in equal measure, then I will want to watch a 4-disc documentary about the Planet Earth? In fact, I will probably want to be transported "from the Himalayan Mountains to the depths of the ocean and everywhere in between" and give this visual trip a 4.8 stars out of 5?

Hmm. That's pretty presumptive of you, Netflix.

Well, as it turns out, purely by coincidence, and because I am a person of eclectic and widely random tastes with a slight penchant for the subject of plate tectonics, Netflix might be on to something here. Might be.

HOWEVER, on that I now present example numero two....

A Chinese cop drama with subtitles?? Um, no thanks. Again blaming my thing for Arrested Development & 30 Rock? Now it/they also seem/s to think I might want to read a movie about an undercover Chinese mole because I also liked Battlestar Galactica and the British version of The Office.

No dice here, Netflix. Try again!

Nothing To Lose

2011-04-05T10:15:00.014-04:00

Read this awesome story of a 66-year old lady who saved the day, by tackling a bank robber who was holding a gun. She screamed, "I've got cancer, you could kill me if you want!"

Talk about having nothing to lose.

I'm trying to imagine situations where I haven't had the guts to do something, but I wish I had. Maybe if I looked at challenges in that same way -- like I've got nothing to lose -- then I'd be happier, richer, prettier, smarter... married, even?

Who knows, right?

Have any good tales of your own when you've looked your own fear right in the face and said, "Eh, what the hell. Let's do it" ?

Would love to hear those stories right about now.

Feeling a little cowardly about a public speaking thingy I have to do this afternoon....

Pre-Fergie

2011-03-31T13:12:00.006-04:00

So one of my Artist of the Day clues today was that they used to be a spokesperson for the Guess? brand.

(It's Fergie)

Way before there was only one "Fergie", when Black Eyed Peas were just that (a food), and back before humps and lady lumps, Stacy Ferguson was in a girl band called Wild Orchid, and had fair-to-middlin' success, thanks to guest stints in the Peach Pit After Dark ("BH 90210") and nabbing endorsement deals for Bongo and Guess?.

And back then, she was actually... pretty:

Yes, the voluptuous sexy blonde on the right in the pic above, is also the dominatrix from outerspace in the pic below.

But here's what I came across that cracked me up. The early days of Wild Orchid, posing with a rising pop singer. I'm sure they all thought, "Wow we're all so adorable and talented. I hope we're really famous someday." . . . .

(coz we ALL KNOW how that story turned out....)

Lol

Breaking News at 2PM??

2011-03-30T11:17:00.005-04:00

Anyone who knows me -- even only a little bit -- will not be surprised to know that every weekday, from 2 o'clock to 3 o'clock, the TV at my home is devoted to one thing:

Taping One Life To Live.

Now don't get me wrong. An emergency's an emergency. But c'mon, seriously? (And this is nothing personal on you local news folks at ABC NY. I'm looking at you too, DIANE SAWYER. And YOU, Mr. President!)

Is it coz they wanna keep us really up-to-date? Well, that's why they invented the internet, duh.

(Or is this because of Oprah? Because you don't wanna miss Oprah?!? Then HELLO how about wait until after Oprah, like 5PM, so it will literally be ON THE NEWS! LIVE!)

So that's what I have to say about that: Please avoid allowing major news events to occur while my soap is on.

Now. If only we could do anything about those emergency breaking WEATHER reports... can we get on fixing that??

Loud Chewing Challenge

2011-03-24T12:12:00.007-04:00

Someone that works here is a loud chewer.

And between NEWMAN & WENDY, one of them chews LOUDER.

Today, you've got a chance to vote on it, since it is obviously of high importance to us here. In a face-off that went down earlier this morning, we pitted Newman & The Carrot against Wendy & The Stick (celery).

Take a listen here and help us decide ...
(the recordings of their chewing entries are at the end of this podcast)

... And hopefully, this'll give you the insider peek into the kinds of stuff that happens here in the studio when the mic's off.

Proof that we talk about the same serious matters that everyone else discusses in their workplace.

From the Archives: Stupid Mensa

2011-03-23T10:36:00.003-04:00

Heard a "Best Of" on The Crew this morning, and it was the one about the Mensa test.

The stupid freaking Mensa test. And I so I decided to dig this one out, since this is exactly how I was feeling on that specific day.

Operative word being stupid.

From the Archives: "Stupid Mensa"

Yesterday, Chris & The Crew talked about this itty bitty Mensa quiz.

Yesterday, I took the test.

Today, I was still not done.

And after hours upon hours formulating algebraic quadratics and charts and tables, I just finally gave up.

The Crew graded me, and I scored a "not bad".

NOT BAD?!

Not flipping bad?!!?!?

GRRRR.

Here it is. Feel free to take it.

Oh, and by the way, because my intelligence is merely "not bad", it will explain why I ended up not taking the test the Crew talked about, but instead stumbled into another one from years ago, but a different mini-test.

If you'd like to see how well you fare against me and my tiny brain, here is the one I took.

Meanwhile, I'm gonna stand in a corner and stare off into the distance or something.

- fin -

I'm FOURTH Place. And I Made Up The Game. ???

2011-03-17T10:11:00.006-04:00

If ain't first, you're last.

This the WINNING! mantra I live by.

Which means I am the opposite of pleased when it comes to this fact: I'm tied for 4th place in my own pool. Yes, this would be the American Idol Tourney I invented. (Which is SO much worse, bc when I originally wrote this blog, I thought I was tied in second place.)

Feel free to take part in your own Toni Ryan's American Idol Tourney TM .... It is super easy to start your own bracket within your circle, weekly points based on how many of the Bottom Three you correctly predict. Another point if you also correctly ID that week's Loser.

This week, this is my Bottom Three:

Thia Megia ... you have only two facial expressions: Pleased and Less Pleased. C'mon, you're only fifteen, so what range of emotions could you possibly have? If Thia somehow makes it another week, she needs to fall in love and get her heart broken, pronto, and that should help her get a little more depth. And possibly an exciting third facial expression: Not so much.

See if that little Langone kid or the more manly Paul can put you through an express-round of Douchebaggery, and this might help.

Naima Whatsis ... She has her moments, but if she wins, I hope she changes her last name to something I can pronounce. Also, she needs her own thing. Because we've already got an Alicia Keys and a Rihanna, and they both work just fine.

Karen Rodriguez ... Oh please. You're ok, and your Boriquena sister-girl Jenny Lo might have your back, but you have gotta go. In fact, I have two X's next to your name, because I am certain you are going home this week. Try out for Miss America or something, because you'd have exactly the kind of perfect Talent act that would beat out baton twirling and ballet.

Plus, that whole bilingual thing is so played out. Please reference Dora The Explorer.

Alrighty -- Vamanos!!

From The Archives: "Five Finger Discount O'Donnell. Yup, that's my name. Don't wear it out."

2011-03-17T08:20:00.003-04:00

Oh na na, what's my name?

It's FIVE FINGER DISCOUNT O'DONNELL of course. Duh.

From Toni Ryan's voluminous archives... but nothin' old about it, 'coz your NAME is just who you are. Period.

"Five Finger Discount O'Donnell". Yup, that's my name. Don't wear it out.

I love how St. Patrick's Day is just another REALLY GREAT AMERICAN HOLIDAY.

Because it's a perfectly legitimate excuse for drinking a lot. All day long. And pulling off silly shenanigans like kissing people (because they're "Irish") or wearing lots of unmatched green.

And also because you can go around using your new Leprechaun Name....

What's yours? ---> Leprechaun Name Generator
(it comes up with a new one every time, so it's a little unpredictable)

Don't drink & drive!
(But more importantly, don't drink & drunk dial!)

From The Archives: "Five Finger Discount O'Donnell. Yup, that's my name. Don't wear it out."

2011-03-17T08:20:00.002-04:00

What's yours? ---> Leprechaun Name Generator
(it comes up with a new one every time, so it's a little unpredictable)

Don't drink & drive!
(But more importantly, don't drink & drunk dial!)

You Can't Handle The Caffeine!

2011-03-14T12:00:00.004-04:00

Caffeine is my Special Friend.

Granted, we're not as close as we used to be.

It was a savage, obsessive relationship once upon a time. I couldn't control it. I had to have it. First thing in the morning. All day. Late at night. All night. When I tried to stay away, I was lost. Tired. Miserable. Ugly, even. It was a nightmare.

When Caffeine and I reunited, I realized if there was going to be a peaceful long-term relationship here, I would have to learn how to keep Caffeine in my life, not in the center of my life. The reckless late night passionate binges might no longer be there, but I can wake up knowing Caffeine is still there for me. That's enough for me.

You might have a similarly unrelenting dysfunctional relationship with Caffeine yourself. Maybe your friends and family have also tried to warn you: "Adults should limit their intake to less than 200 mg a day". What do they know?!! The heart wants what the heart wants (especially when you're damned tired!)

But you know it's true. It's an unhealthy, reckless relationship. Which is why information, made both pretty and easily available by Redbook mag is useful to know... How much caffeine is in a variety of foods and bevs:

i love you caffeine. 4ever.

Here Comes The Rain Again...

2011-03-10T10:31:00.006-05:00

So we braved the SNOW. And the ICE.

And now, we got our wish... WARMER WEATHER.

Which means... we still got the SNOW and ICE. Now it's just RAIN. LOTS AND LOTS OF IT.

Today found this super-duper cool "flood map" -- something that might've been useful if I'd found it years and years ago.

Could've been quite helpful the eleven or, oh, eight hundred times when advance flooding knowledge would've saved me HOURS of commuting nightmares.

(For proof of my rainy-day adventures, see the link down there for an ol' post called "DRIVING TO WORK THROUGH A FLOOD". True story. Swear it.)

So, about this cool map -- if you are blessed to be living in a flood-friendly area, you can click see what the somewhat-current water levels are. Pretty sneaky, sis!

And about my tales of Life at Sea in my Economy Sedan... here it is:

Tonight's Idol... So YESTERDAY!

2011-03-09T10:47:00.005-05:00

AMERICAN IDOL! TOP 13!

By the way, tonight's episode is NOT LIVE.

Again, TONIGHT'S EPISODE IS NOT LIVE.

That's cool. Frankly I don't really care, as I'm sure most of you don't care either.

But of course, there are people for whom this is not well-received news. And to all you folks, Nigel Lythgoe has a few things he wants you to know.

Check out this tosser's tweets over the last few days....

"There is a load of crap being discussed all the contestants sing ‘live.’ The show has always been recorded to the West Coast. We are pre-taping for 2 weeks as we have a new Director & new judges. It has nothing to do with manipulation you morons."

"I love you all getting riled up. The Tweet was directed at the MORONS who said we are pre-taping to manipulate the show. Not the TRUE fans!"

He is AWESOME. Who knew a guy named Nigel could be so bad-ass?

Thank God. Coz if anything happens to The Sheen, at least we have a back-up plan for entertainment.

Give it up for LENT, everybody!!

2011-03-08T12:55:00.006-05:00

Today is FAT TUESDAY.

Mardi Gras. Beads. Boobies. Beer.

But in the world of us Catholics-since-before-birth, it is also THE DAY BEFORE ASH WEDNESDAY and THE BEGINNING OF LENT.

And for those of you who weren't assumed Catholic in the womb, you're thinking, "Yes of course it's Lent. I don't know what that means, but sure. Lent."

Frankly, I'm not up to schooling you on the whowherewhatwhen of Lent (that's what Wikipedia's for, fools!) but I'm just wondering : what everyone's giving up for Lent, or what would you give up, if Lent was a thing you did.

(Disclaimer here: I'm not gonna pretend that I am some sort of great religious person, but I like to regularly recognize Lent by going, "Ooh. Oops. Oh yeah, it's Lent.... what to give up....?" I am gonna pretend however that I am a nice person. )

Any kid who grew up Catholic knows how this game goes... "I'm gonna give up cursing." "I'm gonna give up chewing gum." "I'm giving up sweets."

... and usually these are the things you don't really do anyhow. People who don't drink coffee give up caffeine. People who don't have a sweet tooth tend to give up candy.

Or, the Lenten sacrifice usually goes perfectly... for at least most of the 40 days. Well, at least three or four of the forty days.

I was just thinking of giving up soda (for real!) ... as I sat here sipping my Diet Coke. And then I was like, HECK NO! Nah gone do it. Toni Ryan loves the Fountain Soda. Then, while I sat there thinking of other possible things to give up for Lent, I accidentally snorted up a whole mouthful of soda up into my nose. Crap. Not cool, God! NOT COOL!

So....

Give up Facebook?
Give up watching soaps?
Give up watching TV altogether??
Give up pizza?

Ugh. I'm sure this is making me sound like the kind of typical Catholic that everyone else rolls their eyes at.

And I'm not gonna argue with you there. After all, I'm the one still blowing soda out of my nose.

American Idol Office Pool

2011-03-03T12:47:00.004-05:00

I think I just invented something awesome...

Make way, March Madness... there's a new bracket in town:

The American Idol Top 12 Tourney

Every week, a new winner.... At the end of the season, a Final Champ. All for the priceless prize of Bragging Rights. (Feel free to create a complicated monetary system, I'm not bright enough to figure out that part)

I nabbed this chart off of Wikipedia... print it out and give everyone a copy. Each person highlights the names of the people they think will make it into the Top 12. Tomorrow the winner will be the person who got the most correct.

Sharpie out all the names of The Eliminated as you go along.
Each week, put an X's in the boxes of who you think will be in the Bottom Three, and for the person you think will be eliminated, put a second X in the box. The next day, give one point for every X you get correct. Winner for the week is the person with the most points.

Keep track of the number of wins per person.

When you get down to the Top 3, assign a rank to each of those three remaining contestant. 1 pt for correct 3rd place, 2 pts for correct 2nd place, 3 pts for correct 1st place winner.

Tie breaker will whoever had the most number of weekly wins through the competition.

OK! Enjoy! Let me know how it goes!

Bearer of Bad News

2011-03-01T11:30:00.006-05:00

The thing about Facebook that is sometimes good...

...you can get important news from far-away relatives right away.

The thing about Facebook that is sometimes not so good...

...you can get important news from far-away relatives right away.

Just read a few minutes ago on Facebook that my Aunt's sister passed away suddenly earlier this morning. (This is an aunt that married my uncle, so basically, the sister of my dad's sister-in-law is who passed away.)

Grabbed my cell phone and immediately texted my cousins to tell them how sorry I was to hear the news.

And as it turns out, I was sorry to hear news that they didn't already know. Neither of them had been on Facebook this morning and didn't know their aunt had passed away.

Worst of all, I don't think their mom had even heard yet. But I'm sure she has now.

Ergh. Anybody wanna say those two words with me?

AWK and WARD. Way awkward.

On one hand, I guess it's for the best that they found out as soon as possible, but it still is yucky being the person to have to tell them. And so casually too.

Anybody else get put in an awkward social faux pas moment because of Facebook or technology in general?

Please share your painful stories so I can feel like less of a doofus right now.

Here's Nookin' At You, Kid

2011-02-24T11:33:00.008-05:00

I want an e-reader.

I think.

Again, this is just like my strange attraction to the iPad... I don't really want or need one, but somehow I seem to want one anyway.

So, I'm headed off to Seattle to visit family, and for the plane ride coming and going (and for all those times in between, when my family does what they do best... all those teeth-grittingly great moments.) -- I was thinking of finding a new book to read.

And that's how this began.

I started thinking about all the reasons I should head over to Barnes & Noble and pick up a Nook, or why I should use my handy Amazon Prime account to overnight a shiny new Kindle to my doorstep.

I was weighing it all out, and have been leaning towards the Nook. Because it has a pretty color screen. (Frankly, I never thought I'd be one of those people, but yes, apparently I judge based on color.)

So, I emailed my friend Suzy 101, who recently got a Nook Color and is also a great resource for getting the 101 on just about anything. I emailed her a million and one questions that seem like the kinds of questions you might also have if you're also having eReaderEnvy. Hope this exchange is useful for you too.

hi suzy! ok, so a million and one questions for ya:

1) if i buy it today from the store, how long will it take me to set up and start using?
<<Suzy 101: Ok I LOVE mine. If you bought it today you could use it today. Just have to charge it for about an hour. >>

2) can i still buy ebooks from amazon?
<<Suzy 101: You can buy books from amazon if you download the kindle app onto the nook (my friend did that).>>

3) how much is a mag subscription?
<<Suzy 101: I don’t subscribe to magazines but I heard they are expensive on nook and kindle.>>

4) how long does the charge last?
<<Suzy 101: A charge lasts a couple of days and charges very quickly.>>

5) if the ipad or tablet got cheaper in the coming year, would you still buy one, or if you have an ereader, is it overkill?
<<Suzy 101: I have the ipad too but I like this better for an e-reader.>>

6) will i like reading magazines on this thing? the notion of not "flipping through pages" seems so weird.
<<Suzy 101: I thought I might not like not flipping through pages. Now…I never want to read a real book again lol. I like this so much better.

7) what else can you do with it (not book/magazine related)
<<Suzy 101: You can also borrow books from the library on it.

8) how big is this thing?
9) if i try and carry this thing in my purse, is it safe, or will i def need a case too?
<<Suzy 101: You can carry it in your purse. I didn’t get a case yet either. I will soon but just haven’t gotten around to it.

OK, I'll keep you posted!

Not From Around Here, Are Ya?

2011-02-21T12:22:00.006-05:00

So -- fingers crossed -- I will finally be in Seattle this weekend.

I've been planning this trip for like a YEAR to go visit family in Seattle. So finally, I have time to go, and hopefully this stuffy nose will be unstuffed by then!

I am making dinner for everyone on Saturday, so I've been planning out my grocery trip to the Safeway (it was either that or the Winco.... Such weird names, right? I mean, cmon, at least something normal like Pathmark. Or Superfresh.)

.... Anyhoo, on the grocery store circular, I saw that BEER was on sale!

LOL.

Now, I'm not some dope that doesn't know that beer and liquor sales are different in them parts outside the beautiful Garden State (hi, I went to college in Pennsylvania. Damn you, LCB! Damn you!)...

But it did kinda take me by surprise.

What are the sorts of things that throw you for a loop when you're in different parts of the country?

Like when someone orders POP to quench their thirst.

Stepping onto a beach... for FREE.

Having to pump your own gas.

Or when people end their sentences with prepositions
(Pennsylvania. Yes, again I'm talking to you.)

Or coming here to Jersey and not knowing how to handle your car around a circle.

Man, if I had a nickel for every time I've made a turn on red just because the traffic was clear... I'd have twenty cents back. Twenty cents less than what I paid on all those out-of-state moving violations tickets. LOL.

Don't Kill The Flowers!

2011-02-14T11:16:00.005-05:00

Many folks will be receiving beautiful flowers today, especially at work. And there's nothing sadder than when those blooms begin to fade quickly. Then you've got a vase full of dead flowers, and you're too lazy to throw it out.

So, here are a few useful tips from Reader's Digest for keeping those flowers alive for at least a day or two longer. There's no better way to keep the Singletons at work super jealous and hateful of you at all times than vibrant not-dead flowers on your desk.

It's a tacit and lovely way of telling the world, "Screw you. Someone loves me."

8 Ways to Make Flowers Last Longer

Aspirin
Put a crushed aspirin in the water before adding your flowers. Other household items that you can put in the water to extend the life of your flower arrangements include: a multivitamin, a pinch of salt and baking soda. Change the vase water every few days.

Bleach
Freshly cut flowers will stay fresh longer if you add 1/4 teaspoon bleach per quart (1 liter) of vase water. Another popular recipe calls for 3 drops bleach and 1 teaspoon sugar in 1 quart (1 liter) water. This will also keep the water from getting cloudy and inhibit the growth of bacteria.

Coins
Your posies and other cut flowers will stay fresh longer if you add a copper penny and a cube of sugar to the vase water.

Hair Spray
A spritz of hair spray can preserve your cut flowers. Stand a foot away from the bouquet and give them a quick spray, just on the undersides of the leaves and petals.

Soda
Pour about 1/4 cup into the water in a vase full of cut flowers. Note: If you have a clear vase and want the water to remain clear, use a clear soda, like Sprite or 7-Up.

Sugar
Dissolve 3 tablespoons sugar and 2 tablespoons white vinegar per quart (liter) of warm water. When you fill the vase, make sure the cut stems are covered by 3-4 inches (7-10 centimeters) of the prepared water. The sugar nourishes the plants, while the vinegar inhibits bacterial growth.

Vinegar
Everyone likes to keep cut flowers around as long as possible, and there are several good methods. One way is to mix 2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar and 2 tablespoons sugar with the vase water before adding the flowers. Be sure to change the water (with more vinegar and sugar, of course) every few days to enhance your flowers’ longevity.

Vodka
The secret is to minimize the growth of bacteria in the water and to provide nourishment to replace what the flower would have gotten had it not been cut. Add a few drops of vodka to the vase water for antibacterial action along with 1 teaspoon sugar. Change the water every other day, refreshing the vodka and sugar each time.

Who In The World Is Esperanza Spalding?

2011-02-14T10:43:00.003-05:00

OK Bieber Haters, bring it on.

But the Best New Artist Grammy winner is pretty damn awesome. Esperanaza Spalding (who?) deserved her award, fair and square.

I should point out that not only can the girl sing, she can play a mean bass, and has mad grooves. (That's official jazz-speak, folks.) If you don't know much about music, you should know that it is very very hard to play bass and sing at the same time. Just ask Sting.

So, yes Justin Bieber may be a great New Artist. But in the year of our Lord, two thousand eleven, someone else is better. Much better.

American Idol (Literally)

2011-02-10T11:51:00.004-05:00

Don't get me wrong, I like the revamped American Idol just fine.

I didn't think I would enjoy all the changes as much as I have, but I do. But I just came up with something that should be included as part of the competition, something I started thinking about after the Christina National Anthem Debacle of 2011.

See, I was disappointed and upset for Christina. We know she can sing it, she's done it before. But at an event like the Super Bowl that I hold sacred to the uber-patriot in me, I demand excellence during the anthem. And that's why I automatically assumed I'd be putting Christina's performance on the list of Anthem Greatest Hits, maybe right up between the Whitney Sweatfest and The Dixie Chicks. It was supposed to be a gimme.

And then it occurred to me. Being the American Idol should literally be just that -- you are the best singer as voted on by the American people. You gotta represent. And obviously, you gotta be able to knock the national anthem outta the park. At a moment's notice. Under any circumstances. In any weather.

So I have two thoughts on how American Idol can literally be an American Idol in the most patriotic sense of the word.

1) One week, the theme should be Patriotic Music. Everyone has to sing one patriotic-ish song, and The Star Spangled Banner acapella. The President will be a special guest judge, as will be the entire House of Representatives. In fact, maybe this week of competition should take place right on the Senate floor.

Patriotic song choices could include: This Land Is My Land... America The Beautiful... God Bless America... Born in the USA... Tom Petty's American Girl... Kanye's American Boy... We're An American Band... Living in America... God Bless The USA... Coming To America...

or

2) Throw out what we know about American Idol days of olde, and start over. The entire goal is to find the ultimate and best performance of the national anthem ever. The. Best. Ever.

Every week The Star Spangled Banner gets sung. By everyone.

But every week, a new challenge. Like, first week, everyone has to sing The Star Spangled Banner acapella with music of something else playing in their ears.

The next week they have to sing in the rain.

The next week they get woken up in the middle of the night and have to immediately perform at 3AM.

The next week they have to sing at a Pee-Wee Football Game somewhere in the middle of the country (actual towns to be selected in some elaborate contest sponsored by Ford.)

The week after that, they have to sing in a different style of music. If they sung the anthem in a country-rock style, now they have to sing along with a classical orchestra.

The next week, they do their hometown visits, and in the middle of a photo-op at their local supermarket, they have to sing the anthem right on the spot. Over the PA. And then announce the deli specials.

In the finals, Idol producers slip a non-fatal virus to the Top Three, and then put each through a rigorous and elaborately choreographed Star Spangled Banner performance, where they have to sing all twenty verses in the original anthem, accompanied by a band they've never met before. All while burning a high fever.

The Final Two then have to do a showdown of the best recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance, and a pop-quiz of the nation's capitals and past presidents.

The winner then ends the finale with a stunning performance of a new patriotic song, penned by Bono and Avril Lavigne especially for the event.

SO. Whattya'll think?

Happy Day After Super Bowl Sunday!

2011-02-07T10:07:00.004-05:00

I am hardcore about two things:
America & patriotism.

It is with this that I firmly believe that "The Day After Super Bowl" should be a national holiday.

Right?

We as a nation collectively came to a screeching halt for several hours to pay homage to our flat screens with passion, attention, and a full spread of yummy junk food. And in commemoration, we honor competition at its highest level, we have a military fly-by, the nation's leaders past & present showed up, and the national anthem was attempted.

And if you need further proof, other stations played re-runs. They know what's what.

"The Day After Super Bowl" is up there, like, Independence Day and Thanksgiving. Maybe it's even bigger.

So with that, whatever committee gets to decide what days are holidays needs to have a summit to make it official: DAY AFTER SUPERBOWL SHOULD BE A HOLIDAY!!!

And I'd like to add to that list for consideration:

+ BLACK FRIDAY. Enough with the is it or isn't it a day off. Thanksgiving is a 4-day celebration. For heavens sakes, we make enough food to eat for four days straight. 'Nuff said.

+ LABOR DAY FRIDAY. C'mon. Summer's over. School starts. Cut us a break and give us a true "long weekend".

+ JULY 5. If the 5th of July falls on a Saturday or Sunday, we still get Monday.

+ DECEMBER 26. See above. If that doesn't work for you, then let's just call it "BOXING DAY"

Any other holidays we should throw in there?

From The Archives: "Smallest Parking Spot EVER!"

2011-02-03T10:25:00.005-05:00

Pulling a gem from a year ago, that still manages to astound me, especially in these days of snow & ice covering our parking lots, when I'm trying to maneuver my car into tiny little spots that don't really exist.

You know what I mean. Read on...

Smallest Parking Spot EVER!

Years of city living taught me a few valuable skills.

Using vendor cart food as sustenance. Opposite-side street parking. How to maneuver through a crowd. Getting from point A to point B without actually touching anything. And probably the hallmark of my urban experience: parallel parking.

BUT I could never accomplish this...

Check out this vid of a German guy parking his car in what appears to be a closet for small things:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Pretty amazing stuff.

Best of the Big Game Anthems

2011-01-31T11:56:00.009-05:00

Christina Aguilera is singing the National Anthem at this year's Big Game...

... and no matter how amazing Christina's vocal ability is or has been, she's still got big shoes to fill. There have been some amazing and unforgettable versions of the Star Spangled Banner in the past at the SuperBowlTM.

If Christina even so much misses a note, or adds too much of the typical Christina "flair" -- everyone'll be buzzing about it Monday morning.

My hands down all-time favorite is the infamous sweat-fest from Whitney Houston years ago, followed in a close second by the Dixie Chicks. Check out both versions, and also past Big Game anthems by Beyonce, Jennifer Hudson, and Jordin Sparks....

Who was your all-time favorite American anthem SuperBowlTM singer? Or who do you think was the all-time best ever?

And... Who was THE ABSOLUTE WORST?
(If your answer isn't automatically Olympian athlete Carl Lewis, then take a listen to the last clip below... gulp. Awkward Alert! Awkward Alert!)

Live ... with BLANK and Kelly!!

2011-01-18T10:03:00.009-05:00

Regis Philbin announced today ... that he's retiring!

It's the end of an era, folks! But now, finally he and Joy can get uninterrupted quality time.

So, now... after years of guest hosts, who do you think is the best candidate for the job?

But also, who do you think is most likely to get the job?

When The Ripa came in after Kathy Lee Sweatshop, I don't know if anyone really thought she'd get the job -- especially the non-soap-watching segment of the pop who were like Hayley Vaughn Santos Who What? -- but it made the most sense, she already lived in New York, and she was fun fun fun.

As much as I'd love Neil Patrick Harris to take the job, I just don't see it actually happening. Anderson Cooper? Could he do serious news-talk show by night, frilly fun daytime host by dawn?

Or...

Oh God no...

Please don't say GELMAN.

Who's the Bosley?

2011-01-14T12:00:00.004-05:00

Charlie's Angels is coming back to TV.

I don't know what this means for some of you, but I know what it means for me, personally: my first favorite TV show is back. For a kid who grew up on Aaron Spelling's version of the world, Charlie's Angels was the first thing I remember LOVING as much as Barbie.

And as much as I don't think it's necessary to reboot yet another 70's hit show, I am somewhat delighted to hear this news.

The Crew started a thread on Facebook this morning on who should be in the new cast.

Good question who should be?

I threw a couple of faces in to the mix...

Thoughts?

Seriously. Help me. Please. ACHOOOOO!

2011-01-13T11:45:00.004-05:00

I know that the state of my health -- both bodily & mental -- becomes the center of many of my blogs, but today I plead with you, gentle reader, bare with me yet again, because I am in dire need of YOUR help....

If you've got a great home remedy or tip to help me with MY CONGESTION, please share ASAP.

A little background:
I had a mini-bout with the flu on Sunday night (fever, chills, sweats, general sensation of fatigue & crap), was wiped out and headachey and sore on Monday, and have slowly been getting more and more congested as the week's gone by.

Today:
Took a Mucinex (just the expectorant, no decongestant), then an Alka Seltzer Cold & Cough, but I was having fainty dizzy spells & headaches akin to sinuses being congested to the max....

Right now:
Just Afrin'd my nostrils, and waiting for superspicy Chinese food to arrive for lunch. My head is still pounding, took a few extra-strength Tylenol, and about to down a cup of OJ

NOW WHAT?!

Gaaaaaaaaah!!!!

Raw garlic in hot water?
Green tea and lemon?
Neti pot filled with salt water?
Windex on my forehad?

Doctor of Medicine, Google University

2011-01-11T11:12:00.005-05:00

Getting sick these days is the best.

Not only because you are learning so much about your own illness thanks to Google, but also because everyone else is doing the exact same thing and we're all sharing our newfound medical knowledge (and germs!) with each other.

I like to think that I began my non-sanctioned medical studies from a Physicians Desk Reference that found its way into my parent's library when I was a kid. If you're not familiar with what this book is, well, you shouldn't be, because it's a book filled with all those boring package inserts in a super-tiny font, that gets stuffed into the box with your prescription meds, and this tome is meant for doctors' eyes only. How we ended up with one, I know not. Every year they print a new one, with the most current package inserts, but I personally am well schooled in contraindications and dosage recommendations for all drugs circa 1981. (It was a boring childhood)

But thanks to Internet, and more boring time, I am also well-versed in any ailment or treatment that I may or may not have ever had. I'm convinced that I am certifiable. As a doctor, that is.

So... when it comes to sicky weeks like this one... after I have lived through a 24-hour flu-like bout of fever and chills and sweaty hot sick mess, I am glad that I have this not-formally- reconized medical education.

Dr. Toni Ryan in the HOUSE!

For this week, I am on a prevention-rich, immune-building regime. It is a well-thought-out combination of old wives tales & OTC products that I am certain will make my fragile senses stronger against the barrage of illness going around my workplace.

** Zicam lozenges (or Coldeeze. You'll know you have the right ones if they TASTE NASTY.)

** Centrum multivitamins. There is no such thing as too much vitamin in my world of illness.

** Theraflu Cold & Cough Thinstrips (alternating with...)

** Theraflu Flu & Sore Throat drink mix in Apple Cinnamon flavor

** Mucinex horse tablets (which means you'll need LOTS of:)

** Water. Lots and LOTS of it

** Zicam throat spray (esp if you have weirdness in your throat)

** Traditional Medicinals Throat Coat hot tea (alternating with...)

** Any kind of NON-CAFFEINATED TEA with honey, squeezed lemon, and/or boiled ginger (if you happen to have any at home, or if you're Asian like me, you will likely already have some in your fridge somewhere)

** A GREAT humidifier

** Salt water gargle. Early & often.

** Sinus Rinse. Neti Pot. Whatev. Just clean out that scuzz up there, you'd be shocked at how much that crap is contributing to all the sickiness.

** A tub of Vicks Vaporub. Don't be shy. But also, be mindful when using The Vicks Sticker

** Good sturdy tissues with extra softness weaved into it (or embedded with lotion beads)

** and ANTI-BACTERIAL GEL and CLEANING WIPES.
Just because you're sick, you don't get away with being irresponsible by getting everyone else sick. (You don't wanna be just like the jerk who got YOU sick, do ya??)

OK, so there it is... using my non-certified medical education for your health and wellness, people. Don't ever say I never did nothin' for you people!!

yours in health & non-sickness,

Dr. Toni Ryan, M.D.

Escuela de Medicina, Universidad Google

BREAKING NEWS! It SNOWS in Jersey!!!!

2011-01-06T11:13:00.004-05:00

There are things I find so flipping funny when the weather sucks out....

Like the fact that everyone seems to act like it's never happened before.

Case in point: RAIN.

When it rains, you have people on the road who behave like they are in utter amazement at wetness falling from the sky. They drive by not using the gas pedal, rolling down the highway with so much fear that they're gripping the steering wheel and leaning forward as if that will help them see better (or drive more safely).

Then it snows.

Oh boy. PANIC ENSUES! And we're not worried about all activity coming to a standstill! Suddenly we're obsessed with how we're hungry for canned soup and sliced bread and needing gallons of milk to drink while we chomp on our sliced bread.

And I'm like -- REALLY?! I mean, seriously. REALLY?!

The only thing that I always remember so late in the game is getting enough salt for the driveway and stuff. I expect pandemonium for salt.

BUT SHOVELS?! Again I say REALLY?! And GLOVES?!

FESS UP!

Who are you people that realize snow is falling and now would be a good time to buy shovels, gloves, bread, and milk? And that you have to do it RIGHT NOW!

And if you don't care to confess, just curious what other last minute items you'd just had to run out and fetch in the middle of a storm.

To make you feel better, I do have one: I used to live in North Jersey during Floyd, and I was on the train down to Princeton when I realized the office was closed, so I went to my parents' house -- where I didn't have any clothes. So as soon as roads were slightly passable, I drove/swam to Walmart for a pair of pants.

Oh, and during the Big One of '96, I was driving back to my apartment in Philly in The Worst Snowfall Ever, when I decided right then and there I needed a cellphone.... the next morning, with the roads covered in feet of snow, I took the subway to the mall and bought my first cellphone. And yes, it was heavier than my bowling ball.

And yes. I have a bowling ball. Suck it.

What rhymes with JAKE...?

2011-01-05T11:17:00.004-05:00

Was listening to the Entertainment Buzz this morning when I heard the devastating news...

TAYLOR SWIFT & JAKE JINGLEHEIMERSCHMIDT ARE OVER!

Give yourself a moment to deal with the news.

OK, so now let's move on in a way fully-approved by Taylor herself: let's write a song about it. After all, we know she will get around to it eventually, but let's help a sista out by trying to write this tune ourselves.

To help our brainstorming, I will throw out a few words & phrases that might come in handy:

FAKE
TAKE
RATTLESNAKE
BRAKE
BREAK (as in "We were on a...")
PIECE OF CAKE
POUND CAKE
BIRTHDAY CAKE
ANGEL FOOD CAKE
COOKIE CAKE
COFFEE CAKE
T-BONE STEAK
SNOWFLAKE
SHAKE
SHAKE (WEIGHT)
PARTAKE
VERONICA LAKE
RICKI LAKE
SALT LAKE (CITY)
EARTHQUAKE
QUAKE (-ER OATS)
BAKE
MAKE
HEADACHE

And of course, how could I forget the most obvious one: MISTAKE.

iPad Envy

2011-01-04T10:13:00.004-05:00

Just realized that this post -- added on top of other such posts of olde -- will further represent me as some kind of jealous spoiled brat, but such as it is.

I want an iPad.

... or at least I think I want an iPad.

Truth is, I know I really don't want one, or need one. I do know that I feel like I want one, because everyone else wants one. Call me a sucker for peer pressure.

I think I've pretty much always been this way, I am a marketer's dream come true.

Example: Uggs. Don't want 'em. But I think I should want to want them. Know what I mean?

Who wants the latest gadgets just because everyone wants it?
And have you ever bought anything because it felt like the thing to do, and now you don't even use it?

Gift Wrapping School

2010-12-22T10:04:00.003-05:00

There is no such thing as a "right" way to wrap a gift.

That's why there is no formal training on how to gift wrap. As long as it's covered and looks fairly presentable, it'll pass.

Everyone sorta just learns how over the course of a lifetime. From watching your mom do it, or watching the nicely coiffed ladies at a department store counter. Then there's trial and error (and thoughts of buying stock in 3M), and years of undoing everyone else's wrapping efforts when you've ever received a present.

At the end of the day, wrapper gets stripped off and tossed out, so the issue of wrapping a gift is actually a non-issue... it's just a matter of whether or not it "looks nice", right?

How do YOU wrap gifts? Obviously, your answer could range anywhere from buying expensive wrapping paper and using double stick tape and a ruler all the way to the other end of the spectrum which is a toss-up between buying a gift bag, or just recycling the shopping bag it came in.

My technique (assuming it's a rectangular shirt box) is to cut the paper, pull the left and right side across the back (TAPE GOES HERE), fold down one end (MORE TAPE GOES HERE), then fold down the other end (LAST STRIP O'TAPE GOES HERE), then flip it over and slap a sticker on it.

If I REALLY like the recipient, then I'll also slap a bow on that bad boy. Done and done.

I know that description made a couple of you folks out there cringe, and I'm talking about you anal hospital-corner types. Whatev.

So, I'm curious, how do the rest of you wrap?

And what are your feelings on wrapping paper?

Spend a lot of money on the paper?

Use fancy bows?

Does "Santa" use different paper than mom & dad used?
Do you let other people wrap your gifts?

Do you permit your children to wrap your gifts?

How much tape do you use?

LOL. Seriously, I'm curious.

ARE YOU ONE OF THEM?!

2010-12-20T13:08:00.003-05:00

I've resorted to name calling today.

"EW! You're one of them, aren't you?!"

I barked at Wade today after he picked up my shiny new Rubik's Cube and began to fiddle. I got one for Christmas this past weekend -- my family had to celebrate a week early -- and my cousin thought I would love this retro present. And I do love it. Both love it and hate it.

I've never been able to be solve more than one color at a time. And now that I'm all grown up, I'm going to try to get at least two colors solved at a time, without resorting to peeling off the stickers, or pulling out the pieces.

The modern Rubik's Cube comes with a plastic stand (?) and a solution guide. I refuse to use either. So, as I ripped off the wrapping and the packaging and screamed in giddy school-girl delight, I heard my other cousin Stacey quietly say, "Oh I can solve that."

Oh no she didn't.

My eyes narrowed as it occurred to me that playing with my new toy would be delayed by the hour it would take her to pull this stunt off. The entire family took turns mixing up the cube, handed it to her, and all walked away to eat more dessert. Five minutes later, a three-year old niece came running at me from the other room, with the SOLVED cube in hand.

Damn, Stacey's good.

"Mix it up again!" I ordered the three-year old.

The kid had no idea what I was talking about. I re-shuffled the cube for a few minutes and sent the her back with the cube. "Tell Aunt Stacey to DO IT AGAIN!"

The three-year old understood that time.

Three minutes later, she was back.

CRAP!

- - - - -

The point of this story? I have Talent Envy. I get jealous of people who are Good At Stuff. Yes, even the Rubik's Cube. So of course, it being Post-Christmas Show & Tell Day at work (it wasn't), I had my Rubik's Cube on the counter, and just a few minutes ago, walked in to find WADE playing with it.

"EW! You're one of them, aren't you?! YOU KNOW HOW TO SOLVE IT, DON'T YOU!"

As most people do when they're accused of something, Wade denied it. "No I don't. Well, not really."

GRRRR again.

And this is what he left me with, which is close enough in my book. So I semi-officially hate him for being semi-good at something.

So GO AHEAD... tell me about how you TOO know how to solve the damned Rubik's Cube.

In the meantime, I think I need something to help me get these stickers off....

The Moment of Duh

2010-12-17T10:04:00.004-05:00

Every morning after Chris & The Crew, I am fortunate enough to have fun quickie chats with Chris Rollins. It's sorta like Oprah After The Show, but I am the lucky audience of 1.

(Shame there's no Favorite Things episode for Chris After The Show)

I get to ask more details about stuff that I heard on my way in to work, and she tells me what's going in the world (since I am too lazy to read the newspaper myself). We tell stories about other people that funny, newsworthy, etc.

This morning, we were following up about something that had happened over the summer, a news story, when I suddenly said, "Hey, does your husband know that guy?" It had occurred to me that they were from the same town.

Oh to see the look on Chris's face. The look of Are you kidding me?

CHRIS: "Toni, John is friends with him."
ME: "REALLY?! He is?!!"
CHRIS: (confused pause) "Toni, I told you this already!!"

In fact, it was obviously the FIRST thing she said to me. "My husband knows this guy..." followed by the story itself. HHAHAHAAAAA! And also obviously, it was always the thing she said when we'd talk about it later. "Yknow that guy that John knows? So John said the guy was saying..." etc.

I guess I wasn't listening to the first part. Classic. Just classic.

After about ten minutes of me repeating the word, "Really?!" and Chris shaking her head, going, "I can't believe this! Are you losing your mind?", I realized that this little "problem" I have has been going on for quite a while.....

- - - - -

A couple years ago, I was sitting with some childhood friends, reminscing. We had been friends since I was little because our parents were all part of this tight-knit group. And one point one of the guys mentioned something about, "Uncle Rob's funeral".

"WHAT?!"

"Uncle Rob" was one of the other dads in the group, and apparently HE HAD DIED!

YEARS AGO!

The phrase, "Toni, one of your father's best friends died, and you didn't even know about it?!" has since become one of the favorite punchlines when we now get together and tell stories.

So, I might remember phone numbers of some of my best girlfriends from first grade, and capitals of countries that are no longer on the map, but man if I can't remember important details or even basic facts.

It's not Amenesia. It's more like Notpayingattention-esia.

And I've got it BAD.

Kicked in the Face ... The Usher Story

2010-12-15T12:07:00.006-05:00

Someone loves Usher.

Someone loves Usher SO much she wants to physically punish his face. With her shoe. Still on her foot.

Fan Kicks Usher In The Face

In an attempt to straddle him, her foot went right across his face. Shame.

Fake McDonalds (and other great lies from our childhood)

2010-12-14T12:54:00.014-05:00

"I am making fake McDonalds for my son."

My friend Jeannette just posted that on Facebook.

"I save the happy meal box, etc. from the last time I actually went to McD's and before I pick him up from school, I cook my own chicken nuggets and french fries and put them in the McD's stuff. When he gets in the car I tell him that I went to McD's before I picked him up. As of now, he is almost 4 years old and buying this. I am sure I have a limited amount of time before he catches on. He does not eat anything except McD's, which grosses me out. So, on the days I don't feel like begging him to eat and standing on my head to try to get him to eat, I make him 'Fake McDonalds.'

(Oh! As for the toy in the Happy Meal, I take one he already has and put it in there and I say 'Oh well, we have this one already.' ")

HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!

I love it. It reminded me of all the times my own clever little mother creatively skirted around my requests for the latest toys or current fads. She'd nod her head yes to my face, and would then show up with something completely different. COMPLETELY different.

Banana clips? She'd get me two hair combs and say, "It's the same thing really."

White Reebok high tops? I got a pair of banana yellow ones in a size 9 because they were on sale at Marshall's. (Were they my size, you ask? I'm barely five feet tall, so my feet are nowhere approaching a size 9.)

Denim jacket? A grey cordoroy coat.

Black suede scrunched boots? Black suede combat boots.

Sure, sure, some of the alternatives were actually not bad... but when you're a kid and you just want to fit in, gifting me with something completely different kinda defeats the purpose.

Good thing about growing up, you eventually get over the ways your parents deceived you for your own good, and realize, ok, they didn't do it because they are evil heartless human beings. (Don't worry, Jeannette, I don't think your son will think that when the jig is finally up. Lol.)

And then it occurs to you that when you have kids someday, you might actually try to pull off the same form of "truth-bending".

And no harm done.

Well, except for the fact that it is damn hard playing kickball in high-tops that are four sizes too big.

Out with it... Bust your parents right here on my blog, and tell me great lies your folks told you when you were growing up!

Last one to FILE TAXES is a rotten egg...!!!

2010-12-13T10:58:00.004-05:00

Every year at tax time, I am scrambling to assemble info so that there's plenty of time left to send it off to My Tax Guy to decipher and perform his magic.

And every year, I swear to myself that I will try and be more organized about receipts and mileage and all that whatnot as the year goes by, so that on December 31st, I AM ALL DONE. Finito.

I wanna get all that business wrapped up and ready to go for when the times comes to send it all out to My Tax Guy. If I stayed on top of keeping this stuff organized every single day (for the most part), by the last day of the year, I shouldn't haven't to look at another receipt again. Easy, right?

And of course, I NEVER DO IT.

I am going to try really hard to pull it off this year. By the time the W-2 arrives in the mail, and all the other miscellaneous statements start trickling in, I want to relax in knowing my part is long over.

I want to be one of those people who always seem to be the first to file taxes, and they're already spending their tax return in February.

Who are you folks that are so diligent about filing so early?

Tell me what your secret... I want to be just like you when I grow up.

Day #5 - Palmer Square's Final Gift Card Giveaway!

2010-12-10T10:29:00.002-05:00

It's the LAST DAY of Palmer Square's Gift Card Giveaway!

Today's Prize:

a $100 gift card at JAZAMS Toy Store!!

Need clever holiday gifts or fun presents for the kids... Jazams is the best place for fab & original gifts! Imagine scoring today's prize and finishing your holiday shopping list with it! (Personally I'd spend it on myself, but we can't all be selfish like me.)

TODAY'S WINNING PHRASE IS:

"I like PST & PSQ. My dream gift from the Square is..."

Ooooh! SO many possible good answers for me here! Food? Jewelry? Clothes? Hard to pick! (I guess you can write out your wish list if you like!!)

Super-Easy Directions

1) Just go to Palmer Square Princeton's Facebook page and make sure you've already clicked the LIKE button...

2) Post the day's Winning Phrase on their wall with your personal answer... and you're automatically entered to win!

So copy & paste that RIGHT NOW! And don't miss out... TODAY IS THE FINAL DAY of the Week of Gift Card Giveaways... Big THANKS to Anita & the gang at Palmer Square!!

Harry Potter & pals talkin' AMERICAN

2010-12-09T13:45:00.004-05:00

It's American Talk from MTV...

So funny hearing Brits tackle "American" (the language), especially 'coz it's the cast of Harry Potter

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

Day #4 - Palmer Square's Gift Card Giveaway!

2010-12-09T10:36:00.007-05:00

It's Day 4 of Palmer Square's Gift Card Giveaway!

And today... you'll have a chance to check out THE BEST HAIR SALON IN NJ!

Today's Prize:

a $50 gift card for

SALON PURE

In New Jersey Monthly magazine's roundup of the "Best in Jersey 2010", Salon Pure was selected as the BEST Hair Salon! Score today's $50 Gift Card to Salon Pure simply by posting today's Winning Phrase on Palmer Square's Facebook wall!

TODAY'S WINNING PHRASE IS:

"I like PST & PSQ. My favorite holiday memory from the Square is..."

Super-Easy Directions

1) Just go to Palmer Square Princeton's Facebook page and make sure you've already clicked the LIKE button...

2) Post the day's Winning Phrase on their wall with your personal answer... and you're automatically entered to win!

So copy & paste that RIGHT NOW! And don't miss out... TOMORROW IS THE FINAL DAY of the Week of Gift Card Giveaways... with a $100 Gift Card to Jazam's Toy Store!!

Day #3 - Palmer Square's Gift Card Giveaway!

2010-12-08T12:08:00.002-05:00

It's Day 3 of Palmer Square's Gift Card Giveaway!

Today's Prize:

a $25 gift card for

THOMAS SWEET CHOCOLATE!

And make sure you check back tomorrow and Friday again to find the Winning Phrase to post on Palmer Square's Facebook page... your post will get you in the running to win the day's prize!

TODAY'S WINNING PHRASE IS:

"I like PST & PSQ. My favorite holiday TREAT from the Square is..."

Super-Easy Directions

1) Just go to Palmer Square Princeton's Facebook page and make sure you've already clicked the LIKE button...

2) Post the day's Winning Phrase on their wall with your personal answer... and you're automatically entered to win!

So copy & paste that RIGHT NOW -- today's winner will be posted on their Facebook page, but don't forget to check back TOMORROW for your next "winning phrase" ... and a chance to win a Gift Card to Salon Pure!!!

From The Archives: "Guitar Hero Christmas Lights"

2010-12-08T11:24:00.003-05:00

Post this one exactly a year ago, and I still find this incredibly cool. Which made me realize I haven't really seen any obnoxiously awesome holiday displays thus far this year. Have you? I wanna know where the best (read: worst) light shows are... email me locations at tryan@wpst.com!

From the Archives: "Guitar Hero Christmas Lights"

How cool is this?!

They hooked up the Guitar Hero to the Christmas Lights. Way to get your kid involved in the spirit of the holiday, lol. The kid is actually kinda funny too.

Day #2 - Palmer Square's Gift Card Giveaway!

2010-12-07T12:11:00.003-05:00

It's the five days of Gift Card Giveaways, courtesy of Palmer Square in Princeton!

Just make sure you check back every day this week to find the Winning Phrase to post on Palmer Square's Facebook page... your post will get you in the running to win the day's prize!

Today's Prize: a $50 gift card for WINBERIE'S!

TODAY'S WINNING PHRASE IS:

"I like PST & PSQ. I do my holiday dining on the Square at..."

Super-Easy Directions

1) Just go to Palmer Square Princeton's Facebook page and make sure you've already clicked the LIKE button...

2) Post the day's Winning Phrase on their wall with your personal answer... and you're automatically entered to win!

So copy & paste that RIGHT NOW -- today's winner will be posted on their Facebook page, but don't forget to check back TOMORROW for your next "winning phrase" ... and a chance to win a Thomas Sweet Chocolate Gift Card!!

Day #1 - Palmer Square's Gift Card Giveaway!

2010-12-06T09:52:00.003-05:00

If there is any season that is picture perfect at Palmer Square, it is most definitely the holiday season... and not just because of how beautiful the Square is this time of year, but also because all week you've got a chance to win GIFT CARDS to some of the great places on the Square!

Today's Prize: a $50 gift card for Carter & Cavero Old World Olive Oil Company!

Soooo easy to win!

FIRST, just go to Palmer Square Princeton's Facebook page and make sure you've already clicked the LIKE button...

... THEN post the following phrase on their wall, and you’ll be entered to win today's prize!

TODAY'S WINNING PHRASE IS:

"I like PST & PSQ. I do my holiday shopping on the Square at..."

Hmmm... so hard to narrow down my answer! Probably "The Papery, Lindt Chocolates, and Banana Republic!"

So copy & paste that RIGHT NOW -- today's winner will be posted on their Facebook page, but don't forget to check back TOMORROW for your next "winning phrase" ... and a shot at a WINBERIE's Gift Card!!

From The Archives: "Do I Look Like I Read Golf Magazine??"

2010-12-06T09:07:00.003-05:00

I CAN'T BELIEVE I blogged about this MONTHS AGO, and it is STILL going on. And now, I also get SPORTS ILLUSTRATED. Seriously. Me. I now have a subscription to SPORTS ILLUSTRATED.

From The Archives: Do I Look Like I Read Golf Magazine??

I'm not sure what the heck is going on -- if it's prank, or a mistake, or a scam.

But I keep getting random magazines sent to me that I know I did not subscribe for.

Worse, they're not even magazines I'd be remotely interested in, so I'm not even sure how I got targeted. I mean for heavenssakes.... GOLF magazine?! Did I get flagged from purchasing some particular product? Because unless buying tampons, ice-cream sandwiches, Sharpies, and expensive shampoo is the profile of a golf aficionado, then there must be some kind of mistake.

And not only has this happened several other times with mags ranging from "Working Mother" to "Global Investor"... but then these people have the gall to SEND ME A BILL!

Huh?

Thanksgiving Folgers Commercial

2010-11-29T10:49:00.003-05:00

My Thanksgiving 2010 was like a Folgers commercial.

After dinner, the doorbell rang.

And there on the doorstep was my cousin.

My cousin.

The same guy who moved to Seattle a year ago. He had called up during dinner looking for his mom and brother to wish them a Happy Thanksgiving. He talked about the snow in Seattle, and how he was probably going to run to McDonald's for dinner.

Then an hour later, there he was, at the door with a suitcase in his hand. "Yeah, I made that call in the cab on my way here."

Without a peep to any of the many big-mouth relatives on both coasts, he had a friend drop him off on an early morning Thanksgiving day flight, patiently waited through holiday flight delays, nabbed a train from Newark, then a cab from the train station to my parents' house.

To see his mom's look of shock and hear her shrieking in delight was the best thing ever.

The only thing lacking... was he didn't waltz right in and start brewing us a nice hearty pot of Folgers. What a drag.

Hahahaha, yes, it was just like that old Folger's commercial. "PETER!" screams the mom! Yeah, they wake up to hear a clatter in the kitchen, their five year old isn't in her bed, and they bolt down the stairs... No, not a home invasion! Even Better! Someone finally made a decent pot of coffee!!!

(And if you're too young to remember this, you've probably seen the newer remake, with the "younger sister" who seems to have a creepy relationship with the prodigal brother. Weirdsies.)

Has anyone ever had a magical just-like-a-movie moment? Or something so spectacular it could've only happened in fiction, or on a commercial? Like a had-to-be-there bonafide Mentos moment?

I also wonder (and knock on wood that this never actually happens to me) if ridiculous car chases happen in real life. Like have you ever been in traffic, and had your car pushed up on the back of another car, while getting sideswiped by a Lamborghini going backwards on the highway at 100 mph? Does that really happen to anyone?

Wisdom Teeth

2010-11-24T12:03:00.003-05:00

My friend Petey is getting his Wisdom Teeth out today.

Two of them.

He mentioned this to me last night, when I asked him about his plans. "I'm getting my wisdom teeth out tomorrow morning. At 9AM."

"Dude, you realize, you're not coming out drinking with us tomorrow night."

"Eh, yeah, I guess. We'll see."

"No, I don't think you understand. You're not gonna be drinking with us tomorrow night. And good thing you're not much of an eater, because you won't wanna be eating anything on Thursday either."

That's right. Today. The day before Thanksgiving, Petey is getting a double-extraction.

Ugh.

I would never put even my worst enemy under the hell that is a Wisdom Tooth Extraction (having been through two of my own. Two separate traumatic events.)

And not even the holy hell that I endured my while my dentist planted his foot on my chest so he could brace himself for the yanking. Or the grabbing and pulling from inside my mouth that lobbed my head around the room, as if he was some kind of sloppy baggage handler, and my whole body was the suitcase and the handle was inside my mouth. Or the agonizing hour of watching the reflection in his glasses of the pooling puddles of blood in my mouth, or actually seeing my blood splatter on his glasses. Or the muffled non-apology he sorta mumbled afterwards that kinda sounded like him saying, "Yeah, maybe we shoulda sent you to an oral surgeon for this" because it turns out the renegade tooth was facing in a direction that would've been perfect if my mouth was located under my chin. Or the fact that after waiting an hour at the World's Worst Pharmacy that was already a 45 minute drive away from the dentist's office, the pharmacist said, "Oh, we've been trying to call you... the date is wrong on this prescription, so we couldn't fill it. Can you just go back to your doctor's and get another prescription and come back later?" Or that a full year later, turns out Dr. Pith Helmet & Pickaxe was NOT nearly done with crushing my spirit by removing a tooth.

Probably the WORST thing... was the damage to my PSYCHE.

All you "friends" and "loved ones" who thought it best to mentally prepare me for the worst? The physical pain was one thing, but the horror stories they told me beforehand was just as bad.

So, as Petey pondered the realization that he wouldn't be packin' on pounds this Thanksgiving Day because he'd be on the oral-surgery-starvation-diet, I proceeded to regale him with the time-honored oral tradition if you will, of potential Wisdom Teeth nightmares.

DRY-SOCKET.

INFECTION.

THROBBING PAIN.

NAUSEA.

DREAD.

THE TERROR.

BLOOD.

(ok, I'm embellishing)

So, here it is, I encourage you too to share you worst Wisdom Tooth Extraction stories here. The more gory, the better. So I can share with Petey, and so you have more tales of terror to share with your pre-extraction loved ones.

Happy Thanksgiving!

It's a "Mac 'N Cheese"-Off, People!!

2010-11-23T11:13:00.005-05:00

Now, don't get it twisted.

But Toni Ryan can cook.

It's just that I often choose not to, because I much prefer eating than preparing. And I only ever seem to prepare really elaborate dishes, so the thought of cooking tires me out.

I've been hard-core craving a kick-ass dish of MAC 'N CHEESE lately. Maybe it's the time of the year, I don't know. It's all I think about, and probably even more so since earlier this month when I was sitting in a waiting room and stumbled across this article in Family Circle full of "new" Macaroni & Cheese recipes.

Oh... and the pictures... so delicious-looking... so rich... and then you flip to the recipes...

AND SOME $@%-HOLE RIPPED OUT ALL THE RECIPES!!

But alas, thank you Google, for I found the recipes, and I'm posting this one that I'm gonna try out over Thanksgiving....

Four Cheese with Bacon Mac

Ingredients
1 box (1 pound) cavatappi
6 slices bacon, diced
1 tablespoon unsalted butter
3 tablespoons all-purpose flour
2 cups 2 percent milk
1/2 teaspoon onion flakes
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1/2 pound sharp cheddar cheese, shredded
1 cup shredded colby-Jack cheese (4 ounces)
1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese (4 ounces)
8 slices Kraft Deli Deluxe American cheese (6 ounces)

Directions
1. Heat oven to 350 degrees F. Coat a 3-quart broiler-safe baking dish with nonstick cooking spray. Bring a large pot of lightly salted water to boiling.
2. Cook cavatappi 8 minutes in boiling water, then drain. Meanwhile, in medium-size saucepan, cook bacon over medium heat until crisp, 6 minutes. Transfer to paper towels. Carefully pour off drippings, returning 2 tablespoons to pan. Add butter.
3. Whisk in flour until smooth. In a thin stream, whisk in milk. Stir in onion flakes, salt and pepper. Bring to a boil over medium-high heat, then reduce heat and simmer 2 minutes. In large bowl, toss together cheddar, colby-Jack and mozzarella.
4. Remove milk mixture from heat; whisk in American cheese and 11/4 cups of the cheddar mixture. Toss bacon pieces with remaining shredded cheese.
5. In pasta pot, combine cooked pasta and cheese sauce. Pour half into prepared dish. Sprinkle with a generous cup of the bacon-cheese mixture. Repeat layering.
6. Bake at 350 degrees F for 20 minutes. Increase oven temperature to broil and broil 3 minutes, until top is lightly browned. Cool slightly before serving.

HOW ABOUT... let's have a virtual MAC'N'CHEESE-OFF!

Think your Mac & Cheese recipe is The Best? Then let's see it!

Toni Ryan's Favorite Things

2010-11-19T10:37:00.010-05:00

I HATE Oprah's Favorite Things episode.

I do. It's airing today, and I've been annoyed all week knowing it's coming. Because year after year, I get filled with so much envy that free AWESOME stuff is being handed out to people. That I can't be the one to do it, and also not lucky enough to be on the receiving end of it.

So, with that being said, I am having my own version of A Very Special Toni Ryan Says... and declaring today Toni Ryan's Favorite Things Day. Today I will share with you just five of My Favorite Things... and please know that if I had the means to gift all of you gentle readers with this stuff, I would. In fact, if I had the means, I'd make sure everyone on the whole planet could have my favorite stuff.

That is, everybody except for Oprah. So there.

I'm limiting it to just five... and I encourage you to do the same! What would be on your personal Favorite Things episode? Keep it to five or less... and it can be anything in the whole wide world that's tangible.

So without further ado.... here it is....

TONI RYAN'S FAVORITE THINGS

1) The Purseket

I am crazy about purse organization. I read about the Purseket years ago and had to have one, and it has made it from purse to purse since, and in those intervening years, knock-offs have hit the market, some lookalikes, and some better. I actually don't have a preference on which brand, color, size... maybe I'll let you pick your Purseket or purse organizer of choice. Sure, that's what I'll do. In fact, I'll let every person have two or three if you want. (See that, Oprah?!)

2) Fountain Soda

I want to marry Fountain Soda. I LOVE Fountain Soda. And so should you.

Whatever flavor(s) you want. So I'd gift you your own Fountain Soda machine. One for your kitchen, and another one for anywhere else in the house that you want it. The garage? The rumpus room? The powder room? I don't care, just that you get two, period.

3) A Cruise

I LOVE going on cruises. Take every negative thing you've heard about cruising, and I can turn it around and convince you to love cruising too. And even though I've never been on the legendary Oasis of the Seas, this the cruise you'll get from me.

This is the boat with the carousel, aquatics ampitheater, skating rink, park, ziplining on board, in addition to the incredible food and everything else. That's how I roll.

4) The EZ Pass

Laugh all you want. Seriously. I will give you an EZ Pass. Because if you don't already have one, YOU NEED ONE.

5) Lindor Truffles

OMG. OMG. If you've never had these golf-ball packages of decadent goodness, then you are an evil person who does not enjoy happiness and delight. If you've had them and don't like them, then you don't deserve Toni Ryan's Favorite Things. I'd like them back, please. In fact, you shouldn't even be reading this blog. On top of that, I don't think you deserve to be literate, either.

Milk chocolate. Dark chocolate. Peanut Butter. Hazelnut. Amaretto. .... OMG.

So there it is. In the imaginary world, I have just given you all these wonderful things. I threw them right in your face and said, "Enjoy! ... oh sorry, I didn't mean to hit you with that enormous cruise ship."

So... what's in your Five?

From the Archives: "Gotta Love The Holidays"

2010-11-18T13:17:00.002-05:00

Had to repost this blog from last Christmas after reading Chris's story about her recent adventure getting their holiday pics taken.

Toni Ryan Says: Gotta Love The Holidays

Big thanks to my friend Kristen, who was both kind and good-humored enough to let me post this gem from last Christmas.

What an image... it stayed with me a whole year that I felt compelled to share it with y'all this season.

I feel like laughing when I look at this, but at the same time cringing because I feel so bad for Kristen, imagining how stressful that had to be just trying to get that one "simple" picture to capture the memory of holiday joy.

Talk about a picture telling a thousand words.

In that case, feel free to share as many of yours... this is officially your place to kvetch, complain, or relive some of your least happy holiday moments.

Or, if you'd like to come up with your own caption to this pic, feel free. I may or may not have a prize to the one that really tickles my fancy (whatever it is my "fancy" is)

Pimping Out Your Website

2010-11-17T11:52:00.007-05:00

Anybody see this slightly creepy lookin' dude cluttering up Wikipedia's page recently?

No, it's not an erecticle disfunction (which is what I thought it was.)

It's an online version of a traditional Beg-a-Thon, where instead of getting a free tote bag or a CD of German choir music as a gift, Wikipedia is looking for financial support from all of the rest of us so they don't have to start using ads on their site.

I considered giving a "gift".

I mean Wikipedia is occasionally useful and easy to get basic info from that may or may not be true. But is it "funding worthy"?

And what websites out there are indeed "funding worthy"?

Like if you're gonna pimp out your website, you better be a pretty big deal.

For example, I'd pay money to keep Google the way it is.

(Or more accurately, I'd pay money to keep Google the way it used to be... anyone notice how it's starting to get a wee bit annoying with all the new bells and read-my-mind auto-completes?)

And I'd pay money to keep ... hmm, what else would I pay money to keep exactly the way it is?

Man, this is hard! There aren't a lot of websites that are perfect the way the are. Hmmm.

Netflix.

ABC. <-- super easy to watch shows online (get a hint, CW!)

Craig's List.

Amazon.

Sorry, IMDB... you ALMOST made the list... but you started tampering with your layout and now your website sucks.

OK.

The Anti-Alarmist

2010-11-16T10:49:00.004-05:00

I'm a klutz.

At least, it is an unfortunate trait I was born with, and I have spent most of my 27 years* on God's green earth battling against this disorder. And today, folks, I share my struggle with you, so that if you, or a loved one, is also suffering from this affliction, you can know you're not alone.

*27 is an approximation.

Clumsiness affects one in every two Americans, and at least fifty percent of the population, and that number could be growing, as people come to grips with publicly admitting that they are clumsy.

Take it from me.

If you think you're a klutz, but are afraid to admit it -- whether it be because you're ashamed or you don't know how people will react -- trust me, if you're klutz, chances are, everyone else already knows.

As far as the feeling of shame, I can't help you with that. It's just embarassing sometimes, and you learn to deal with it. Sometimes you'll laugh. Aloud. Because you'll realize, it's actually funny.

OK, so enough about that, and onto this: I spilled coffee today.

And while that wouldn't be such a big deal on a normal basis, I automatically did what I have learned to do over a lifetime of clumsiness -- I pretended it didn't happen.

So I walked to the kitchen sink, with my sweater sleeve sopping of coffee, and proceeded to rinse it out with one hand. Because I was holding my Blackberry in my other hand.

I got met with a couple, "OOH!" "Whoa!!" and "Oh no!"s on my way to the kitchen over the sight of the phone.

"Oh, it's fine," I laughed. The phone had been upside down, with its rubber sleeve on, and also coated with this special neoprene sheath stuff that protects... EH don't worry about it, just trust me, I know it didn't get wet.

So I wring out my sweater and become a human clothesrack, wipe down the counter, sop up the carpet, pour more coffee, and get on my way. Irritated only by the smelly wet sweater sleeve.

Half hour later, I realize... MY PHONE IS OFF.

Interesting. Coz I didn't turn it off.

Pull off the battery cover, and ta da!!!

MOISTURE!

And, my battery has a moisture "strip" that turns red when it's been gotten wet.

And it was red.

- - - - - -

So there it is, Toni Ryan, the anti-Alarmist. Lacking the appropriate reactions when things aren't good, because I don't wanna panic anyone over yet another one of my clumsy blunders.

Ever have a completely inappropriate reaction to something? Laughing at a funeral, screaming bloody murder in situations requiring an indoor voice, or display disdain when the proper reaction is, "Oh! Congratulations!"

Tell me. Now.

Infomercial Wish-List

2010-11-15T13:47:00.002-05:00

I love getting seduced into buying something because I saw the infomercial. This is likely why I am also a shopping channel addict.

Just saw this and am putting it at the top of my current INFOMERCIAL WISH-LIST, probably because I have been on a binge of fixing things with black electrical tape (with much failure, I hate to admit). Granted, it wasn't on a half-hour infomercial, per se, but if the commercial ends with a toll free number on a blue screen with instructions to CALL NOW, then that counts.

Back in the day, this blue "Here's How To Order" screen would've also offered options to send a cash or money order, and to give it 8 to 10 weeks for shipping. And Shipping & Handling were once two separate fees, one of them would be like a dollar, and the other would be only fifty cents (using the old-school "cents" sign) -- all these you'd have to read in less than 2 seconds.

I also love that once upon a time, you could COD. Yes. Cash on Delivery. I can't believe that we really used to do business this way. Order the goods, and then wait in your yard in a month and a half for the mailman to come by collecting the money.

Hahahah. So anyhow, I want this. But if order TWO sets of these today, I will also get a free newsletter on how to fix other types of leaks and spills and broken hearts, etc.

Oh, I want it SO bad! What to do?!

Fountain Soda In My Kitchen

2010-11-11T11:22:00.002-05:00

That would be a dream come true. My own Soda Fountain.

I don't know what it is about fountain soda but it's probably one of my favorite beverages. Specifically it has to be Coca Cola or Diet Coke straight out of the fountain that I love love love. I don't know why I don't like other drinks from a fountain, but FRESH SODA makes me happy.

If there was any one major appliance or commercial machinery or gimmicky gadget you could have in your home, what would it be?

And I mean an elaborate ridiculous one thing that you'd have in your home that would be like your personal trademark.

i.e. "Party at Toni Ryan's? Oh yeah, she's got the small kitchen with the banging fountain soda machine!"

Worst Vacation Ever? (and something from The Archives)

2010-11-10T11:10:00.002-05:00

So reading about this stranded cruise ship this past week has been pretty upsetting, especially coz I love cruising so much. I don't consider it too much of a big deal, however, because I happen to be a fan of SPAM & air-dropped croissants, particularly when its supplied by the US Navy.

Today's topic was gonna be Your Worst Vacation Ever? but then I remembered my Worst Vacation Ever, and conveniently, I had already blogged about it.... Yes, this memorable sojourn (from hell) when I boarded a cruise ship with ... MY FAMILY. Destination? To hell, you ask? No, headed for Alaska, actually.

From the Archives: Toni Ryan Says... "So. The Boat Trip...."

Just want to get this out of the way before I begin to wax honest.

Glaciers, awesome.
Scenery, awesome.

Overall on the trip... eh... let's just say it was no stunning glacier.

As you may/may not know, I travelled with the fam: my mom, dad, bro, my mom's three sisters, and all the affiliated brood, minus a few personae non gratae in the form of cheating ex husbands, and a newlywed son, and another nephew with a small child. All told, a dozen people on a cruise to the Inside Passage. Seattle, Alaska, and Canada, ay.

And as you may/may not know, I kinda have this high anxiety threshold for organization and near-communist affinity for simplistic tell-it-like-it-is blunt living. This put everyone else on high alert for me skipping social graces and shooting it straight. My family hates this. But I actually behaved.

However, I digress. Here are the highlights. They'd be divided into pros & cons, but I'm not exactly sure how to categorize. You decide:

Relatively "small" cruise ship. More intimate, less harried atmosphere, smaller staff-to-passenger ratio.

Older clientele. Or younger clientele, depending on how you look at it.

Bigger staterooms with luxurious bedding & mattresses

Renowned spa & salon

Great entertainment & shopping selections!

International destinations

Authentic glimpses into the local culture of the "Great Northwest"

Relaxing, upscale atmosphere. None of the gimmicky bells & whistles found on other ships, just total elegance.

Exceptional cuisine, featuring seafood of the Pacific northwest

OK, so I just made up all that crap.

Not that it wasn't true, that just sounds like the garbage that comes out of a drippy travel brochure, right?

So, allow me to edit myself, and here's how it was:

Small ship. Yes it was. It rocked and pitched more than any other boat I'd ever been on (and there have been a few). I actually got --- brace yourself --- somewhat seasick. I don't get motion sick, people. Way weird. And it may have been smaller, but damned if it wasn't long. Endless hallways of cabins. I dreaded walking back to my cabin because it was so boring.

Few peeps? Intimate atmosphere yes, but it also meant... where the hell is everyone? Movie theater, empty. Pool, empty. Night Club... well, actually there really wasn't one. (See below)

Grandparents. Lots of them. A half a dozen teenage delinquents. A dozen or so new parents (i.e. babies and small children). Oh boy, was I in my element. A single girl on the prowl? Yeah, I did real well, chattin' up the AARP at the jigsaw puzzle table.

Which brings me to entertainment. One piano bar (he was eh, ok. He kept forgetting songs). One karaoke night. One string quartet (omg, someone get that 2nd violin a tuning fork for godssakes. Why oh why was she punishing me with her tonedeafness??). Oh, and one band. "Rachel & the Band", where the band was adequate, and Rachel was their punchline. Oh yeah, a casino. Frequented by all the funsters on the boat (see above). Ditto on shopping. I didn't have $24.99 for a tee-shirt with an embroidered anchor on the breast.

Bigger staterooms. Sure, they were bigger than most inside staterooms. Which was great when you consider four people were in my cabin (thanks mom & dad. Really nice family bonding time). Two beds, and a bunk bed that folded down from the ceiling. Yes. A bunk bed. Not two bunk beds. See, their acclaimed luxurious mattresses that they brag about? They don't outfit the sofabed with said luxurious-mattress. Sofabed wasn't really that bad. Closer to the door. Closer to the lightswitch. Closer to the bathroom. Closer to the TV. (18 inches is "closer" in my book). The merit of all those advantages wore off quickly, when I woke up on day 4 with a crick in my neck. Well thank God for the salon & spa, right?

Even on a boat in the middle of the ocean where everything costs a fortune, you can count on a spa being full of overpretentious snotty folk (exception to my friendly gals at Facelogic). For three days, the jerk at the front desk kept making me feel like Julia Roberts in the beginning of Pretty Woman. It wasn't until after I got over my spantimidation and finally booked a few massages and a pedicure that I realized he wasn't actually a jerk; he was Canadian. Oh silly me, those Canadians, hard to read sometimes.

International destinations, yes! Victoria, British Columbia. The home of confusing spa employees. Well, when you consider that on our seven day adventure, this porting at Victoria lasted all of like a hot minute, I guess we can count that as "international".
It's like when your flight has a stopover in a city, and even though you never get out of the airport for the ten minutes you're there, you still count it was a place you've actually been.

Authentic glimpses into the local culture of the "Great Northwest". Yeah, well Juneau depressed me actually. Got on a local bus hoping to experience something different, and the lack of teeth frightened me. Then every other local Alaska stop started to feel like Groundhog Day, fishing boats at the pier, trees, typical small mountainside town culture (I know, coz I've lived in a small mountainsde town).

Relaxing atmosphere? Hell yeah. So relaxing in fact, that I slept 80% of the week away. I ate some. Slept mainly. Activities? Um, Scrapbooking 101. Making Marzipan Animals & Flowers. Beginning Fox Trot. Did I read? Yes. In fact, I was too bored to read, if you can believe that. I kept falling asleep. The most exciting moment was getting my PST Mobile Ebuzz one afternoon while sitting by the (heated) pool... I didn't know DJ AM had passed away. Thank God for PST Mobile, right?
I had to even stop into one of them there small mountainside town to them there general stores to buy a ball of yarn and a crochet needle... Believe it or not, crocheting brought some much needed stimuli.

Exceptional cuisine, yes. Vichyssoise, coq au vin, ceviche, creme brulee, and all the fun stuff I actually enjoy eating as much as saying. Except... for a person who LOVES to eat salmon, I was kinda getting tired of the Pan-Asian, Pacific Northwest style of fusion cooking when it comes to salmon. Shaved ginger, orange glazes, carmelized onions. Like, yum. But c'mon, just grill up the damn fish and put it out with some veggies and maybe a decent potato, and you're all good with me! I was like, what is this pretentious crap all over my fish again?? And no freaking pizza bar! What is up with that?! Well, there was a tray of pizza always out on some bar-like structure. But the moment you put pineapple & ham on the only pie you have out, you cease to call this paltry display a "pizza bar".

So, my answer is yes. To the question Did you go on a vacation? I did.

Did I relax? I slept.

Did I eat? I had a lot of steak.

Did I drink? I pre-ordered a half-case of wine.

Did I see glaciers? Absolutely.

Did I get to hike the glacier? No.

Coz I spent all my money at the spa.

The end.

The Vicks Sticker

2010-11-09T10:31:00.006-05:00

Ok, so calling it a "Vicks Sticker" is actually not true.

These smelly mentholated stickers that are supposed to give you the Vicks-ish relief without getting you all gooey and gross aren't made by Vicks, but the name seemed appropriate.

So these little sticky patches of mentholyptus are good for about 8 hours, so when I peeled off yesterday's Vicks Sticker so I could apply a new one, that's when I finally READ THE DIRECTIONS.

Maybe it's because they have transdermal birth control, and nicotine patches, or because when I'm all menstrual crampy I've slapped on those sticky heating pads. But apparently, on the VAPOR PATCH, it says right on the packaging:

DO NOT APPLY DIRECTLY TO SKIN.

Hahahah. This might explain why I've been having a hard time washing all the adhesive off.

But here is the better duh moment -- enough to remind me not to make this blunder again -- I love that this product's major downfall is that it is COMBUSTIBLE.

WTF DOES THAT MEAN?!

Did I really just stick this combustible product on me for the last two days? And if it's combustible, and ergo flammable, why exactly is this good to inhale?

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