Wednesday, October 26

From the Archives: "Final Thoughts on Halloween"

This is how I know I'm OLD.

... because I proudly repeat the same curmudgeon-ly things. Year after year....

And thus I present a post from my past Halloweeens. I find that it's always relevant, year after year, so I am preemptively posting this before Halloween this year, so you little brats out there should read up!

"Final Thoughts on Halloween"
JTrick or treat?  Sure, here ya go, it's a book on etiquette.ust gotta get a few things off my chest so we can put Halloween to bed til next year.

First of all, as a person without kids, Halloween is obviously less of an event to me than it might be for other people. Well, aside from the convenient excuse to dress slutty, while couching it in a way that says it's supposed to be a "costume". It's the one day when I can get away with fishnet stockings, wearing pleather, or act like a complete skeeze. But I digress.

This is to all you in-between kids who are out & about trying to score free sugary treats. You ungrateful, sassy-mouth, pubescent twerps who are sucking all the real fun out of Halloween for all the little kids who actually get filled with joy over a roll of Smarties. If you are on the prowl on Halloween genuinely looking to take part in a fun time-honored tradition, take heed of a few guidelines:

  • Is NO Costume, the New Costume? What is that about? Wearing your street clothes and expecting me to give you something for free makes you sound like a little thug. Or worse, a homeless person. Wearing your street clothes and wearing a mask is also not a costume. Wearing your street clothes and no mask, but telling me it is a costume is also not a costume. Oh, and dressing slutty, little girls, is only for grown-ups. Cover yourself, for heaven's sakes!

  • A little enthusiasm, maybe? Sullenly barking out, "TRICK OR TREAT" at me will not compel me to give you candy. Even worse, silently pushing your pillowcase in my face will also be met by my ire. And for a short person, I have plenty of ire.

  • Manners, too, would be appreciated. I don't need you to pull Eddie Haskell theatrics, but a simple and genuine Thank You would sure be nice. Much better than you making a run for it as my expensive candy is still falling into your cavernous bag of loot. That mad dash from my doorstep without a word of thanks makes you look like criminal-in-training.

  • And finally, if those three requests are too much for your angst-ridden sensibilities, then just pretend to be polite and thankful for the free candy. Is that too much to ask??

So until next year, you little brats, stay away from my door!


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