Tuesday, July 27

Rihanna Sunk Your Battleship.

In a world... where a plastic battalion is at odds with red pegs... only one popstar & cosmetics spokesperson can save the armada....Rihanna signs up for first film role in 'Battleship'

OMG Please say it isn't so. And I am pleading, Lord. That wasn't an expression of delighted surprise. Please say it isn't so.

But sure enough, that is exactly what the headline implies on USA Today's entertainment blog, followed by this little blurb:

Rihanna is ready to hit the big screen. The 22-year-old singer has been cast as the female lead in the upcoming film Battleship.... based on Hasbro's classic naval combat game. It is scheduled to arrive in theaters in May 2012.

Ugh. It's a for real. A movie based on the game Battleship. And Rihanna is gonna be in it. Wow, I think I almost vomited in my mouth.

The list of movies that can be adapted from our favorite childhood memories (movies, shows, games, songs, whatever) could be endless, but why don't we make it easier for everyone and just start a list of movie adaptions that should never come to the big screen.

Think about it, we'd be doing the world -- and in fact, the entire known universe at large -- a huge service by collectively letting the entertainment industry know in advance what is just not gonna work. We'd be saving everyone involved a lot of time, money, and potential... no, make that definite - career embarassment.

Think of all the Rihanna Battleship action figures that will go straight to dollar store bins. A little plastic Rihanna in a cutesy sailors outfit that squeals, "You sunk my battleship!" when you push down the top of her head.

No one wants that. I am 100% sure of that.

So... movie adaptions that should never happen? I already have a few in mind.


None of the reality competitions: i.e. Dancing with the Stars... the Movie. Not even a dramatization of So You Think You Can Dance.

No more bastardizations of fave sitcoms from growing up: Mork & Mindy. Perfect Strangers. Three's Company, etc.

Popular fads or video games: Guitar Hero. Silly Bandz (Garbage Pail Kids, need I say more?). Connect Four. Grand Theft Auto. Hungry Hungry Hippos. You get my point.

Reality Shows: Jersey Shore. Kate + 8, plus or minus JGoss. Any Kardashian, Hogan, or Lohan. I mean, c'mon it's called Reality TV, not Reality Feature Length Film.

Movies that Worked Once: Gremlins. Sixteen Candles.

Websites or current technology: Any movie with a plot concocted around an iPhone, a misunderstood status update, or imdb.com. (In fact, definitely not a movie about imdb. I mean, how would they even list this movie in the actual imdb. It would be like taking a picture of a person taking a picture of a person taking a picture, etc. Exhausting.)

OK that's it for now. Please please feel free to add to the list!


  1. "Gushing in the Gulf"... a movie musical about the BP oil crisis

  2. OH boy, I can see it now. Nicholas Cage or Bruce Willis or Dennis Quaid is some kamikaze ex-law enforcement/govt employee/person of science who knows how to clean up the oil... by putting his life in peril somehow. A Taylor Swift ballad will play triumphantly in the background before he embarks on this dangerous mission, while he kisses his ex-wife/ex-coworker/ex-boss goodbye (insert Julianne Moore/Debra Messing/Sandra Bullock here). Sidekick role played by Jason Segel/Casey Affleck/Nick Cannon. ::::groan::::