Wednesday, December 30

High on "Subway"

If you're afraid of heights, I guess you'll be out of luck trying to score a decent sandwich at Ground Zero.

They've got a Subway franchise just for construction workers that'll move from floor to floor as they re-build.

Much better than delivery!

Tuesday, December 29

Michael Jackson was Truly Ahead of His Time


From AP News: "This image shows an Egyptian limestone statue, depicting an unidentified woman, carved during the New Kingdom Period, dating from between 1550 BC to 1050 BC. The bust on display at the museum has been the focus of interest since the death of singer Michael Jackson as visitors double-take at the eerie similarities between the 3,000-year-old statue and the singer." (AFP/The Field Museum/HO)



Freaky.

Monday, December 28

The Parkers Sure Are Strange

That Tony Parker sure must be crazy about his wife.

Well, I guess if you're lucky enough to be married to Eva Longoria, you've got to have some kind of pact with the devil going. Although, he's a hot NBA player, so he is also nothing to sniff at either.

Anyhoo... this is just exactly how much he adores his wife:


No, Sandy Olsen from Australia didn't suddenly become a gorgeous Mexican girl from Texas. No, Danny Zucco is not a ginormous french basketball player. (The hairpiece is ... somethin' else)

Mr. Longoria agreed to re-enact the "Summer Lovin" duet from the movie Grease.


Like recreate... to the letter.






My personal jury's still out on whether or not I think that they are that cool to have such an out-there sense of humor that they would bother to pull this off... or if they are that weird that they would bother to pull this off.

Frankly if I were to ever make my significant other re-create an entire scene from a movie, it would be all three endings of Clue: The Movie.

Wednesday, December 23

So let's revisit the "Inflatable Fruitcake"



As mentioned in yesterday's list of holiday shortcuts, I thought it would behoove you, gentle reader, to learn more of the benefits of the Inflatable Fruitcake.

I mean for heaven's sakes, look at how good it looks just sitting on this table!

Special thanks to Interns Allie, Greg, and/or Todd for photography and art direction. Also, again big ups to Christine of The Christine Show for sharing this holiday gem.





Sent via BlackBerry cc: tryan@wpst.com

Tuesday, December 22

Toni Ryan's Fast Cheap Christmas Solution - Finale

OK, some last minute additions to Toni Ryan's Fast Cheap Christmas Solutions to help you sail through your last minute holiday stress.

Stress no more, people!!


Gloves?  What am I supposed to do with these?? You know I don't have HANDS! --that's an ungrateful reply you will never hear when you gift someone with GLOVES!1. Back to Basics.
Gloves, socks, underwear, matches... not only are these practical gifts that everyone will need at some point in their lives, but they are also guaranteed to never elicit this response: "Uh, so what am I supposed to do with these?" Ditto for pens, paper, tape, staples, pretty much any office supply, cleaning product, and currency (paper preferred).

Torch your snow, the easiest way to clean your walkway!2. More snow?! SURE go right ahead, Mother Nature!
Going along with the theme from above, right about now I'd love anything that would help me get through this weather. A really kick-ass ice scraper, an industrial strength shovel, a low-grade snow thrower (under a hundred bucks!), a blow torch (I'm serious -- special thanks to Y Squared for this tip: http://amzn.com/B000KEY9US) --- I'll even take a bag of rock salt.

Just a SAMPLE.  I'm trying to reiterate that 'mini-bottle of vodka' means that it's supposed to be smaller.3. Car Emergency Kit
This one is really easy to make on your own. Hit Target, Walmart, whatever, go straight to the bags section and look for clearance. Find a really cheap tote bag, then walk around the store filling it with random inexpensive stuff like tissues, wet wipes, bottled water, matches, gum, small ice scraper, packet of aspirin, whatever junk you find in the travel-size item aisle, gloves, etc. Add in a roll of quarters, some empty plastic bags for trash, and stop by the liquor store for a mini-bottle of vodka. Voila.

His AND Hers!  A Winning Combo!!4. Mom & Dad are the EASIEST people to buy for
Think of your worst gift-for-parent cliche. Tie for dad? Apron for mom? Go ahead and buy it. Because at some point in your life, mom & dad WILL need those cliche things. Heck, get your dad a pen; he writes, doesn't he?. Mom's bathrobe? She bathes, doesn't she?


Don't listen to Bernanke, EMBRACE PLASTIC!5. Gift Cards Are Your Best Friend, Especially When You Meet Them At Kiosks
Thursday night, in the hustle and bustle of everyone else's craziness, hit Wawa for some delish coffee and some relaxing holiday shopping. People, they didn't put these enormous things in the middle of the store just to be annoying! Get a card from a different store and when everyone opens up your plain envelope of joy, they'll collectively think you spent the time to shop for them at the world's largest shopping mall that not only has an Olive Garden, Babies R Us, and an American Express store, but also a Red Lobster, Bed Bath & Beyond, and Sears and Best Buy and an Overstock.com. You get where I'm going with this.

Don't have a lot to spend on gift cards? Don't! Keep it low. Buy tons of candy canes in at least two colors, and stick them in the same envelope. People get confused by quantity.


Parents hate this, but the kids'll love it (for at least an hour or so)6. Kids like stuff. Lots.
Going with the theme of volume, easiest cheap gift for kids? Get to a dollar store, a craft store, or the front door of Target. Fill your basket with random junk that is likely to keep kids busy dealing with the messy packaging, then distracted for at least ten minutes apiece. Imagine that peace and quiet multiplied by the number of pieces of junk, er stuff, you can afford. An afternoon of holiday bliss can be achieved for under twenty bucks.

Isn't that AMAZING?!  Notice how it blends in?? Everything around it looks inflatable, too!7. Inflate Your Holiday Decor
Literally. If you are hosting in a dimly lit setting, or doing your family gathering via Skype (i.e. webcam) -- dress up your home with a new line of inflatable holiday goodies... like this awesome inflatable fruitcake from my pal Christine Navidad (of The Christine Show fame). They've also got inflatable turkey. Blow up these bad boys and keep them in the background so family on the other end of the webcam don't think you're having a pathetic and lonely and fruitcake-free holiday. Let's be honest. No one really likes fruitcake. But we all seem to notice when it's not there. Two birds, one stone, killed.


Other tips from Toni Ryan's Fast Cheap Christmas Solutions collection (even though most of them are expired by now)

Friday, December 18

Is This a Dress?

Blake Lively is a gorgeous girl.

Let me get that out of the way first.

She is gorgeous, has an incredible body, and looks fantastic in high fashion. I just need that stated before I ask this next question:

What the hell is she wearing here?

Don't get me wrong -- again she looks incredible, but is this a swimsuit with a cover-up?!

I mean aside from clearly not being a dress, it's also way too cold to be wearing a sheath of mesh over her bathing suit, especially in this redonkulous weather.

Girl's gonna catch a cold. That's what I think.

Tara's Back, Bitches.

Tara WHO?!

Sorry, Tara Reid, that is..

She kinda disappeared from the spotlight after the paps went crazy catching pics of her and the botch tummy job. I do kinda feel bad for her.




Well, worry no more people!!

Coz she's gone and gotten herself did and now she wants the whole world to know it... so she's posed for Playboy. (Coz when you've made a cosmetic fix to your body, this is the quickest way to ensure the entire planet knows)


Thursday, December 17

Oh Facebook, why must you be SO complicated.

"It's Complicated"

That's the current -- and permanent -- status for my relationship with Facebook.

All these elaborate new privacy settings are good...

...especially if you are the super-paranoid, super-sensitive, overly-self-conscious type like myself who wants to post this picture but doesn't want these two people to see it, or wants to make that status update, but doesn't want a dozen of my parents' closest church friends to know that I was hungover the last time my mom called to chat.


Funniest status I read today comes my old friend, Julie:

"FACEBOOK WARNING: As of today, Facebook staff will be allowed to eat your children and pets. To turn this option off, go to Settings, then Privacy, then Meals. Click the top button to not feed the employees of Facebook anything. Copy this to your status to warn your friends! "

Seriously. What next, right?

Survey Time... Christmas Edition

Props to my friend Karen who occasionally plays a game of Survey-Tag with me, where we just fill out the answers with nonsense and keep sending them back and forth... this is a gem from the holiday archives:

"Okay, if you want to do this, here's what you're supposed to do: Copy and paste this to a new post or email, then place your own answers to the questions. Remember--Tis the Season to be NICE"


1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
Wrapping paper, without a doubt. And in preparation for this, I am always the person that buys the overpriced wrapping paper that your kids are selling through you to your co-workers, that goes to fund sharpened pencils for the needy students.

2. Real tree or Artificial?
Real. Although growing up, we had an artificial tree, which came in three pieces but also had additional filler branches that you could tuck into the bald spots. As the years went by, these filler pieces would somehow disappear, and the year our tree finally looked REALLY pathetic, it finally occurred to my parents that a real tree did not have to be returned into a box and carried up to the attic. We've been "real tree" people ever since.

3. When do you put up the tree?
Second Sunday of December.

4. When do you take the tree down?
Ornaments come down right after the Epiphany (Jan 6th?), then the tree & lights go the next weekend. It's actually really fancy looking with just the lights on and no ornaments.

5. Do you like eggnog?
Not really. (See "Lactose Intolerance")

6. Favorite gift received as a child?
A really fancy AM/FM radio alarm clock. It was white and shaped like a cube. And had DIGITAL time. I actually had an analog alarm clock up until then. (I swear to you, I'm only 27)

7. Hardest person to buy for?
My mother. She pulls that whole martyr stunt that moms are so good at... "Oh, I don't need all thaaat! Aw... you really shouldn't have spent so much on thiiiisssss!" Please. If we really didn't buy all "thaaat" or spent on all "thiiiiissss", trust me, I'm sure we'd still hear about it twenty Christmases from now.

8. Easiest person to buy for?
My brother. He's also the easiest person to surprise. Mainly because he's a little dumb, er... forgetful. He'll basically mention that he likes something, then my eyes immediately light up and I'll just flat out announce, "Oooh! I just came up with a great idea!" Then he'll go, "What, you're gonna get me that for Christmas?" And thing is, I do end up getting it for him for Christmas. He just really NEVER remembers the conversation. In fact, he just gave me an ideaYay! There's always room at my Gingerbread Inn! today, and I guarantee that by next Friday, he'll still be surprised. It's ridiculous.

9. Do you have a nativity scene? -->
HAHAHAH, do I have a nativity scene?! Absolutely! In fact, despite the fact that it is old and made of some sort of cheap plastic that's probably been recalled, I love this thing. I like to call it my We Three Kings Action Figure Set. I sometimes set it up in different vignettes around the house at the holidays.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards?
Mail. But my list is sooooo short, that if you actually get a card from me, you know you are a big deal. I've gotten sooooo lazy as the years have progressed, that I actually have a generic holiday photo card that I email to everyone else. I really am just so opposed to the cost of postage, it is quite apalling. In fact, I think I am only sending-sending a total of two cards this year. You think I'm joking, but I'm only allowing one dollar for my entire holiday postage budget, so good luck.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?
Easy. I got this piggy bank that was made of clear acrylic, and meant to sort coins when you dropped them in. So you'd put in a dime, and it would slide down the shoot to the right column where all the dimes were stacked. One column each for pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters. Except the coins would always get stuck down the wrong shoot. Yes, I actually watch this corny ass movie every year.Pennies would get trapped in the dimes column. I got about sixty five cents stuck in the contraption before I got so fed up I had to go ballistic on this thing until it cracked apart. Worst. Gift. Ever.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie?
"Home Alone" or that Vanessa Williams' take on "A Christmas Carol" that T-Boz is also in ... it's so cheeze and I love it. -->

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
Planning starts in late September, and if I don't actually start doing anything, I usually don't get on it until... well, NOW!

No anise seeds for me, please!14. Have you ever re-gifted a Christmas present?
Hella yeah! A pile of chipped acrylic and loose change always manages to pass as "modern art".

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?
<-- Hmmm... what do we eat at Christmas that I don't get any other time of year... pizzelles and challah bread. Challah!

16. Favorite Christmas song?
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, Lou Rawls style.

17. Travel at Christmas or stay at home?
Stay home.

Thank you, baby Jesus, for being born, so we could wrap gifts.18. Angel on the tree top or a star?
Star. Or actually, we have a big gold snowflake.

19. What theme or color are you using?
On gifts, white white white. And red ribbon. On the tree, greens and golds, but we have these red apple ornaments that must be on the tree every year. -->

20. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?
Christmas morning. Which sucks, because sometimes I actually wanna sleep in, but we also do church on Christmas day, so gifts still have to wait until after mass. Zzzzzz....

21. Most annoying thing about this time of the year?
Always feeling like I'm running out of time. Maybe it's that whole notion that the year is ending too. It's frustrating, and then Christmas is like this whirlwind, and BAM, it's done. And so's the year. Whoa, whaaaa?!

Thanks for the high blood pressure, Santa.22. Favorite for Christmas dinner?
-->
My aunt usually has a big plate of smoked salmon, and I just sit there eating it until I am so bloated and dehydrated. I know that's kinda gross, I have a salt thing.

23. What do you want for Christmas this year?
Holding my breath, and waiting to see if I actually get a card back this year... cryptic, I know, but I don't want to jinx it.

24. Who is most likely to respond to this?
Karen? lol

25. Who is least likely to respond to this?
YOU, if you're smart.

Wednesday, December 16

Guitar Hero Christmas Lights

How cool is this?!

Finally, a way to make Guitar Hero relevant at Christmas.

They hooked up the Guitar Hero to the Christmas Lights. Way to get your kid involved in the spirit of the holiday, lol. The kid is actually kinda funny too.

Tuesday, December 15

This Kid Is AMAZING. His English, eh not so much.

Talent abounding.  Maybe not his English, he sure does have mad ukelele skillz.THIS KID IS FREAKING AMAZING.

Either he's freaking amazing for picking up the ukelele and just playing like that.

Or he's freaking amazing because he does an incredible impersonation of me singing while drunk.

Either way, he's freaking incredible.





OK, so his lyrical interpretations leave something to be desired, but to his credit, he apparently doesn't speak any English. Quite impressive, huh?

That is exactly how I sound drunk. It's freakin' me out.

Friday, December 11

From The Archives: "I'm Worth Millions. Seriously, I am."

I like digging this one up every now and again.

Especially, since I first posted this in March 2009, my net value has continued to flourish... I'm in the mid "seven's" by now. And yes, I mean seven million.



It's the Hollywood Stock Exchange, proud member since '05, and still miffed about this underperforming Jennifer Lopez stock that I seem strangely attached to despite the fact that she's been a total net loss of about $65 grand.



GRRRR her and that big butt.



So no, there's no real money involved here, just high anxiety and bragging rights.



"I'm Worth Millions. Seriously, I am."

I'm kind of a big deal on "the exchange", if you will.

How much a big deal, you ask?

My Net Worth is: $6,675,276.00

Yes, I am active player on the Stock Exchange.

The Hollywood Stock Exchange.

I've been an active trader for many years now, obviously you don't built a portfolio like that overnight. I can't believe I've never mentioned it before... Well, I'm mentioning it now because now I feel like showing off. And I'm feeling a little competitive. Anybody trade on the HSX?

Hollywood Stock Exchange...  just try and best me.Well, feel free to join. They'll even start you with an easy two mill.

So, what is it?

Good question, I'm not sure how to answer that, because even the HSX people themselves never actually refer to themselves as a game. Or an online distract. Or pretend-stock-exchange.

Which is actually what they really are. A pretend stock exchange. I have no idea who started it, why they started it, or what the point is, but it just an elaborate online time waster for folks with more than just a passing interest in the entertainment industry (and/or folks who love the whole system of trade and exchange). And it's actually owned by Cantor Fitzgerald, and they're like real finance and money people.

SHE'S WORTHLESS!  Well, actually she's worth *less* than she used to.So there it is. The gauntlet. I dropped it.

Feel free to join, and keep me posted on your progress. I often like to make fast gains with Hollywood Derivatives. I'm contemplating a couple thousand Idol Warrants, but Alison Iraheta's price just jumped to $14.56 a share.

I also don't recommend any Jennifer Lopez ... her stock price has leveled out at like $21. What a massive loser. It is also fun putting money on how new movies will fare at the the weekend box office. (That's really the secret to how I built my current fortune.)

I'm currently ranked in the +81.03% percentile... can you top that?


(Doubt it!)


~fin~

She's... Too Sexy for her Raisins...

By now, you've probably seen the new ads for Sun-Maid Raisins... and our Raisin Gal has finally gotten a much needed update:

I love that one of the headlines covering this update read, "Is the Sun-Maid Raisin Girl Too Sexy?"

Hahahahah... The girl wears a red bonnet, and finally doesn't look hungover, and we're calling that "too sexy"?? Sounds like somebody's gotta check out an episode of Jersey Shore and get their definitions straight.

Check out Sun-Maid Raisin Girl through the years...
No offense to the lady who was the original model for their mascot, but looking at her makes me the opposite of hungry-for-raisins. The old raisin gal looked like she'd spent too many hours in the vineyards not wearing sunscreen... is she even making minimum wage, people?!


In an era of DIY shows and before-and-after extravaganzas, a modern revamp was long overdue. I mean, for heaven's sakes, what are people upset about? At least the girl's still got "back"! If they made her rail-thin, holding a cell-phone and a chiahuahua, then I'd see what all the hubbub was about!



Whaddya think? Is the new Sun-Maid Raisin Girl now too sexy for her raisins? Too sexy her raisins? (sorry couldn't resist)



Thursday, December 10

Lego My Matrix!

Check out this scene from The Matrix, re-imagined with stop-action Lego cinematography.

It is incredible, but holy cow... who does this sort of thing just for fun?!

I find that I fill my time watching TV, making sloppy cupcakes then eating all the mistakes, and staring off into space. I cannot even fathom the amount of brain matter needed to focus on creating this sort of elaborate artistry. I imagine the guys that did this have really heavy heads, like bowling balls, and their arms are sore from having to hold up their heads all day.

I certainly would never spend more than five minutes playing with Legos, either. The moment a piece doesn't fit together or come apart easily, I'm done. I could only last two minutes, tops.



Also, here's the side-by-side comparison of the Lego version versus the original:

Wednesday, December 9

Driving To Work Through A Flood

I have nothing to say in my defense because I know that it was incredibly stupid to do this.

OMG!

UGH!

What is WRONG WITH ME?!




Well, at least I made it into work on time!




Tuesday, December 8

Police Sketches are not Abstract Art

So SKETCH.  Har har har.OK, at least I can admit this, that I'm too lazy to even bother trying to translate this, or even worse, bothering to Googling a translation of this story.

This sorry-looking drawing is scratch that would've earned a lifetime of humiliation if you'd attempted to play this during a round of Pictionary...

...but apparently in Bolivia it doubles as an acceptable police sketch.

And armed with this artistic rendering... THEY STILL MANAGED TO FIND THE GUY!!!

Caught In a Subway Door -- what would YOU do?!

Caught this on the news last night...Woman's purse gets caught in the subway door, and she gets dragged down the platform.

WHOA!

What would I have done?

For a split second I thought, LET GO OF THE DANGED BAG! But then it occurred to me, of course I'm not letting go of my bag. Hope I never have to make that decision.













This happened in Boston about a month ago.



Hmm. Boston. Subway... somehow doesn't this sound oddly familiar?


Why yes... because right around the same time last month... also in Boston... the other drunk lady fell onto the tracks, remember that one?!

Gotta Love The Holidays


Big thanks to my friend Kristen, who was both kind and good-humored enough to let me post this gem from last Christmas.


What an image... it stayed with me a whole year that I felt compelled to share it with y'all this season.


I feel like laughing when I look at this, but at the same time cringing because I feel so bad for Kristen, imagining how stressful that had to be just trying to get that one "simple" picture to capture the memory of holiday joy.


Talk about a picture telling a thousand words.


In that case, feel free to share as many of yours... this is officially your place to kvetch, complain, or relive some of your least happy holiday moments.


Or, if you'd like to come up with your own caption to this pic, feel free. I may or may not have a prize to the one that really tickles my fancy (whatever it is my "fancy" is)

Monday, December 7

From The Archives: "Behind the Mic: A profile on NEWMAN"

It was due time to dig this gem out from ye ole Archives.... This piece won much praise for my pseudo-journalistic style. There was murmurs of Pulitzer Prizes -- which had nothing to do with this interview, but murmurs nonetheless. Without further ado, my exclusive interview of NEWMAN...


Behind the Mic: A profile on NEWMAN

You know him as NEWMAN, the sweet-talking charmer and button-pusher of PST’s weekday contribution to society, "The PST Wake Up Crew".

But beneath the caffeine-induced chipper demeanor and killer sense of style is a timid and humble artiste with a keen eye for irony and argyle. With the stipulation that I avoid discussing his failed attempts to garner a starring role on an unnamed award-winning cable drama, I was permitted the opportunity to communicate with Newman over the Internet, and here is that exchange:


ME: I figured the best way to get the ball rolling, is by stating, “You are Newman, PST Wake Up Crew producer.” But, who are you REALLY?

Click here for footage of Newman's audition for AMC's Mad Men -- look for 'Wake Up Crew Videos' in the On Demand Media Center to see the master at his best.NEWMAN: Dick Whitman

ME: Ok. Hmm. Well, Dick Whitman is Don Draper, but really the actor Jon Hamm, you do know that, right? Well... I’ll just take your word for it. So... like, who exactly are your people?.... I mean, either your ethnic group, or your “peeps”. Or both.

NEWMAN: I’m not sure, but Grandmothers seem to really like me

ME: Interesting. Well, mainly because of your first job….

NEWMAN: Bagging groceries at Grand Union and proceeding to run the entire company into the ground.

ME: Yeah, that’s really sad, actually. They’ve since shut their doors and become a gym. Well, moving on, what is your preferred condiment on a cold sandwich … and do you even like cold sandwiches?

NEWMAN: Favorite condiment is lots of mayonnaise.

ME: And to follow-up, what is your preferred bread of choice?

NEWMAN: …whole wheat because I believe it counteracts the massive amounts of mayonnaise I put on the sandwich.

ME: What was your favorite subject in school?

NEWMAN: German. I took 8 years of it and I can only say “Bless You” after someone sneezes . . . which I am pretty sure I knew before I took the 8 years of classes.

ME: Quite a useful talent. Well, do you have a hidden talent?

NEWMAN: I can curl my tongue into a ‘W,’ which on the range of hidden talents, is somewhere right below belching the alphabet.

ME: Can you actually belch on command? Or do you have to be inspired? Like, inspired by a can of really fizzy soda.

NEWMAN: No, inspiration needed. I can in fact, belch on command.

ME: Can you belch whole words, or just the alphabet?

NEWMAN: Neither. Words are too long, as is the letter ‘W.’

ME: Okay, let’s say it’s a quiet night at home and quiet on the social front, you’re finally sitting down to play catch up with your TiVo… what are you looking forward to watching?

NEWMAN: Fringe. I TiVo it because it airs after House, but House is so great if I were to watch it directly after House I would think Fringe sucks. However, by itself it is mildly entertaining.

ME: When I look at PST’s playlist, I noticed that a lot of our more popular selections are people who either competed on or won American Idol. Since the next season is getting started in the coming months, any forecasts on what would make the next great Idol? More of the same types of people who’ve already won?

NEWMAN: No, I believe once the show gets down to five contestants they will be surprised to find out they must form a band which will, in turn, be managed by Diddy.

ME: Any thoughts to joining the ranks of basic cable reality-TV programming?

NEWMAN: I would only consider a non-basic cable reality show.

ME: I often get asked by listeners about the Wake Up Crew, and many questions about you. Like “What’s Newman like?” and “What’s Newman look like?” and “What position does Newman like?”. I know, can you believe that? I have to say that those are things I get asked most in public after the usual, “Are you really that short?” and “Are those really your lashes?” Then it’s almost always all about you. But the thing I’ve been getting asked more often lately is, “I know Newman isn’t single, but what is his type?”….

NEWMAN: I’m flattered and kind of disturbed. I am only interested in girls whose first name starts with a “K” sound. I have dated: Kari, Carol, Karen, Caroline and now married to Christine. This, by the way, is 100% true.

ME: What is in your iPod that would surprise people?

NEWMAN: This is not a joke answer, I honestly have Britney Spears “Everytime” on my iPod.

ME: More specifically, what is in your iPod that would make someone feel compelled to throw your iPod out the window of a moving vehicle?

NEWMAN: Well, I have a few podcast of a show where chefs talk about cooking. They are great until you put the iPod on shuffle and you get five songs or so and then a two hour podcast.

ME: Good call. In fact, I would totally throw you out of a moving vehicle over that. Although, do you think you could handle being thrown out of a moving vehicle? Like, if it was going at a certain speed? Or if you were properly padded? Or if it happened while rounding the bend above a really pretty grassy meadow?

NEWMAN: I believe I am quite aerodynamic and would most likely float softly to the ground.

ME: Well, how ‘bout this scenario… you inadvertently send an impolite scathing email to someone, and instantly regret it as soon as you hit the SEND button. Do you make the pre-emptive strike and follow up with an apology or an explanation? Or are you more likely to devise an elaborate strategy for hacking into their email, or breaking into their office computer?

NEWMAN: I would just kill them.
Always a classic.
ME: I thought as much. Any tips on the best apparel to wear in that situation? I mean, obviously, black. But do you have any functional fashion tips for the would-be breaking-and-entering or average criminal type, in general? Cargo pants maybe? Plus, like you’re probably thinking, I may get busted, better have a good outfit for mug shots, right?

NEWMAN: Face paint is very in right now. I would say have those black smudges under your eyes like football players do. Also, you want a material that can breathe, so steer clear of wools.

ME: You’ve often, both publicly and privately, and occasionally not even out loud, proclaimed yourself as an enthusiast of Tom Bergeron’s work. Let’s pretend he died or was extradited to a communist state with terrible human rights violations, and you got his job as host of Dancing with the Stars. What would change? Either about the show, or the competition itself. Or about the format. Or about the dancing. Or about it being a televised program.


He does occasionally resemble Lance, doesn't he?NEWMAN: First off all, let’s not even think of Tom passing. Second, it is clear the first change I would make, and I have been quite vocal about this, would be to equip all televisions with a mute button that shuts off Samantha Harris.

ME: OK, the Think Real Fast segment, ready?

NEWMAN: Ye . . .

ME: Too late, that’s just how fast this segment goes. Well then, I’ll just move on to number 2… Janet Jackson or Michael Jackson?

NEWMAN: Janet

ME: Number 3, Dancing With the Stars’ Juliane Hough. Better singer, or better dancer?

NEWMAN: Dancer

ME: Number 4, Arrested Development. Better show, or better band?

NEWMAN: Push

ME: Number 5, Randy Jackson or Michael Jackson?

NEWMAN: Randy

ME: Hah, I tried to trick you. My bad, obviously there's no tricking Newman. Number 6. One Republic or Soviet Republic?Who's in Newman's Five?

NEWMAN: Republic of Congo

ME: What do you see in the radio landscape in the near future? And not just the small patch of lawn in front of the station, like in the “industry” or media in general.

NEWMAN: Radio will compete to keep people listening longer, which is why I believe in the future every show will end all their breaks with jokes minus the punchlines. “Why did the chicken cross the road? . . . Find out after the break.”

ME: I constantly hear a lot of buzz on the World Wide Web on this... that people don’t like music. And apparently it's this underground growing trend, not listening to music. And not just music, but sound in general. Do you find any truth to that? And if that is inevitable, do you think radio has a future?

NEWMAN: Yes, I think a perfect playlist would be: Maroon 5, The sound of dolphins talking, Fergie, A Waterfall

ME: Finally, as we wind down this engaging “Q&A”, where does Newman see Newman in five years?

NEWMAN: The NFL

ME: How about in five hours?

NEWMAN: In bed

Yeah... right...  ME: What about in five months? Well, specficially, on April 25th, 2009. I’m thinking of having a dinner party and having you make those delicious canapés that you’re going to learn how to make.

NEWMAN: I’m booked that day.


~ fin ~



Newman can be heard weekdays on 94.5 FM, 5AM through 10AM, and in weblog form at Newman's Blog-o-sphere. "Me" (a.k.a. Toni Ryan) can also be heard on 94.5 on those same days after 10AM, and occasionally only heard by the other voices in her head. Special thanks to the Newman Society of America & Greater Princeton for allowing him to take this time for you, gentle reader. Props also to the Toni Ryan Says Special Events art department, Krystle Meth, for capturing Newman's essence.

Friday, December 4

Ben Stiller Would Like Money, Please.

Ben Stiller can have my money.

One, I think it's a decently worthy cause, and two, 'coz he wasn't being smarmy or corny about it. Just straight up funny and somewhat blunt. And for that, Ben, I will actually do the thing I swore I would never do, and that is to do one of them "text-donations", where the donation shows up on your cell phone bill as some mysteriously expensive texting event.

I am actually gonna do it.

Good work outta you, Ben.




Here are his two comedic pleas for help, via viral video:



Thursday, December 3

Relationship Status: "Just Married"

Crap, I'm not getting any signal in here!

Priceless.

Guy interrupts his own wedding to change his relationship status on Facebook. Well at least no one can complain that he doesn't keep his profile up to date.

Best line is from the minister: "It's now official on Facebook, and it's official in my book."

Here's the footage:




The World's "Most Beautiful" Pizza Hut in the whole wide WORLD?!

Wonder if the fancy chandelier means the food tastes better.It's called The World's Most Beautiful Pizza Hut In the World.

Frankly, I don't care what building it's in, as long as the place looks clean, the food tastes good.

Long story short, it used to be a royal building in The Hague in the Netherlands. Was supposed to get torn down but instead got preserved, and in jumped the Pizza the Hut and their personal pan empire.

Wednesday, December 2

I Will Miss Oprah but I Will NOT Miss the Screaming

I don't get to watch Oprah everyday, but I know I will miss her.

But what I will not miss:

Her screaming introductions.



What do 260,000 Christmas lights & 6 miles of extension cords look like?

Who pays the electricity on this??It's known as "Steel City Christmas" and a family in Pittsburgh makes this their annual hobby. Apparently, this over-elaborate display of holiday cheer is planned all year long, and is enough hijinx to land them on the usual round of TV talk shows & cable compilation shows with names like Wackiest Holiday Decorations and Biggest Waste of Electricity During A Recession.


What do you think happens when someone cranks up a hair dryer or a blender??
Sure must get quite psychadelic if you're doing a driveby.

Tuesday, December 1

Babies in Plastic Tubs... Surely There's a Better Caption Out There.

This pic was posted in Yahoo news...


RNPS IMAGES OF THE YEAR 2009 - Seven babies sit in tummy tubs filled with water to cool down after a baby massage class held for young mothers in IJmuiden March 24, 2009. The "cooling down" segment is to simulate a womb-like environment for the infants to experience the warmth and comfort. REUTERS/United Photos (NE RLANDS SOCIETY HEALTH IMAGE OF THE DAY TOP PICTURE)
After reading the caption like twenty times, I still don't freaking understand what is supposed to be happening in this picture. But at least they could've attempt to write a better caption.

Meteor Burst ... Check out the Footage!

Sure looks like somethin' else, don't it?If you see a meteor shower but don't know it's a meteor shower, are those technically "falling stars" and more to the point, can you get away with wishing on every last one of them?

I've always wondered that. I saw an awesome meteor shower years ago when I'm was in high school, and I'm still waiting for Johnny Depp to call me up and ask me to be his romantic lead on 21 Jump Street.

Check out some compiled footage of this incredible meteor burst that went off over Johannesburg, South Africa. Pretty incredible, although I think I might've freaked out if I actually saw it.

Lady Gaga Goes Down... ouch

I know she's seems pretty... well... weird.

But honestly, I'm discovering that I really really like Lady Gaga.

When she's interviewed, she actually seems pretty normal, very nice, and has a good sense of humor. But most importantly, the girl can sing. It's kinda refreshing, actually.

So here's a clip of Lady G taking an onstage spill recently, and I actually feel pretty bad for her, bc I know how much that's gonna hurt, since it looks exactly like how I wrecked my back last month.

Yeah, right. I, too, was in the middle of a live stage show, and screwed up the choreography wearing a leotard and five inch heels. ;)