From the Archives: "Thanks TSA, ladies love miniatures! "

So, the hours are ticking down to the infamous Alaska boat trip with the fam, and in true Toni Ryan form, I have meticulously "pre-packed" and am sitting pretty with my anal retentive overpreparation that ensured that all my luggage has been adequately sealed, labelled, and weighed at least 48 hrs prior to takeoff.

In all the hubbub, this seemed like an excellent time to revisit this whole liquids-in-ziplocs process that is now par for the course with air travel.

"Thanks TSA, ladies love miniatures! "

Travelling much? Then, you can identify 3 ounces on sight, and are all over the lock-and-load policy that is gonna make Ziploc a whole lotta moula... Well, in case you haven't heard the 3-1-1 (har har, TSA, you funny) on the latest travel restrictions for carry-on luggage, here's the basics... 3 ounces max of liquidy, gel-ish type stuff, in a 1 quart Ziploc, and 1 per person.
(Click on here for the TSA's fully extrapolated details on said-restrictions)

OK, so fine. But you ever see what's out there? In the world of mini-travel products? Not a lot, unless your local grocer or pharmacy specializes in that stuff.

So, for your happy usage, I present Minimus one of the best places online to find a lot of your favorites in itty-bitty convenient and TSA-friendly size packaging! Small deodorants! Small shampoos! Small mouthwash! (http://www.minimus.biz/) Hey, travel with your own salad dressing or soy sauce? Say goodbye to condiment confiscation! They've got pretty much everything!

And even if you're not headed anywhere where miniatures are your passport to travel, check out the site anyhow, lots of cool stuff to pick from... individual nail polish remover wipes? Great to keep in your desk at work. Those Brush-Up non-toothbrush thingys? Great to keep in your car. And you portion control peeps out there, individual packaging is the best way to keep tabs on one tablespoon of peanut butter, no more no less!

Enjoy! Well, enjoy it a little.

"My Friend's Husband Was Hitting On Me!"

I had to re-read this message like four times before I was certain I was not watching Jerry Springer....

"Remember Gina from college? Her husband told me he wanted to sleep with me when I went to visit them the other day!!! He came down to where I was sleeping after she went to bed and was trying to kiss me and stuff!!!! OMG what a weird night!! Still debating on telling her or not...what do you think? Need some good old 'Toni' advice! HELP!! "

Holy cow! Yup, this message is from my friend Lisa, a girl who always knew how to cleverly get herself out of a bind, so by "good old 'Toni' advice" I think she is simply referring to the times I helped her get stains out of the carpet with a little baking soda & a toothbrush.

This is a classic case of "tell the friend, but be ready to not be friends anymore" versus "shut your mouth, and when their marriage disentegrates, you can finally tell her, but be ready to not be friends anymore".

Please please please share some of your own personal wisdom, gentle reader. I sincerely mean it when I tell you I am seeking a lot of input on this. Lisa is only one of my oldest friends because she is your classic fun-loving-girl-with-a-heart-of-gold types. I can't not have advice for her here, but don't know where to begin, so someone. Anyone.

PLEASE! Someone give me something to work with!!



FOLLOW-UP

Toni Ryan says: OK, The Christine Show has chimed in with her ususal blend of telling-it-like-it-is and an acute eye for the underlying "correct etiquette". Check out her pitch-perfect advice at www.thechristineshow.com

From the Archives: "27"

I am 27 today.

Yes, again.



So, since I covered this the last time I turned 27, here for your enjoyment, a kernel from the archives:



27
I can't believe it. I'm finally that age. Like I'm finally that age where I kinda (gasp) don't care it's my birthday.

Whatev.

Seriously! I'm really not saying that out of some weird reverse psychology attempt to get flooded with pity, but I'm saying it out of surprise. Like, I can't believe I really don't care all that much.

Hahahahhaaa, well it's about frigging time!

I didn't plan anything, didn't agree to any plans, and certainly didn't manufacture stealth ways to generate gifts or attention. I kinda didn't really feel up to it, all the work. Coz it is work, campaigning and reminding and inviting. Blech. Too tired this year. Quite possibly, finally just too old.

So instead, I thought I'd reminisce about some birthday highlights, the few I can remember off the top of my head right now.

• 6th birthday. Mr. Burger... a fast-food chain that was neither Burger King or McDonalds. Just a wannabe. My babysitter was skilled at the art of crochet and made me this awesome poncho with a matching purse.




• 21st birthday. Snuck off to Colorado to be with my boyfriend. He took me out with his roommates where I had to beg the bartender to card me right at midnight. Got plastered on an endless string of Red Deaths. I vaguely remember a Kamikaze or two. Or five. Do remember thinking while I was later perched over the toilet bowl, "Wow, I was a much more responsible drinker before I turned 21."




• 12th birthday. Skating party at the rink on Oak Tree Road in Edison. Is it still there? Party continued into the night in the form of a slumber party. We stayed up watching TV, playing boardgames, and crank calling some poor guy named Rick who wasn't home, but there was plenty of tape on his answering machine when we got started.




• 25th birthday. It has to do with Katmandu and lots of inappropriate behavior of which I'm not sure what the statute of limitations are. I will just stop right there.




• 16th birthday. My parents threw a huge party, with a DJ. And I bought a cool pair of purple suede shoes for fifteen bucks at the Footprints in New Brunswick.




• 17th birthday. My driving instructor Larry made me get on the Somerville Circle and I was too mortified to bother hating him.
  



• 31st birthday. Had to drive to a wedding solo in Scranton... while nursing a hangover from the night before. Luckily Matt Sneed's wife was on hand to keep me amused (and lucid) before the reception, so we head to the nearest mall and make fun of people, even though we are both conspicuously overdressed.

OH YOU CAUGHT ME! I am SO not 27. But I'd like to think I was.

At least... that's exactly what I've been doing for the last 5 to 10 years or so.

27 was such a nice age. I don't remember how it began , what I did, or how it ended, but I always liked being 27. It sounded mature enough, but it didn't sound too old.

So there it is, that's what today is and shall forever be known as: "27, continued"

(and the answer is, "I don't know. Seriously, I don't remember, now quit asking!")

~ fin ~

From the Archives: "5 Tips to Loving your Job (and scoring bday cake in the process) "

I was lucky.

I scored bday cake today. At work. And quite frankly, they managed to surprise me, which was feat in and of itself. In a place where birthday cake is coveted and is usually doled out and consumed in the same one place (kitchen), it can be hard to keep the element of surprise going.

... The happy site of cake, and knowing that me being born in the world made this happy site possible today (a mere 27 years after the actual event)... all of it reminded me of this little ditty that should've been subtitled, "Toni Ryan's Thoughts on Birthday Cake at the Office", back from Dec. 2007. Read on....



5 Tips to Loving your Job (and scoring bday cake in the process)
from Careerbuilder.com

[... but I'll put them in my own words, so just bear with my spin on this. ]

1. Stay away from negative people.

Word. Seriously, it's so easy to get caught up into bitching about something, but sometimes without even noticing, the getting-stuff-off-your-chest can morph into general moaning & groaning about the company, other co-workers, life in general. It can be quite a drag! And next thing you know, you're hatin' the job, the boss, and the UPS guy!!

Here's what Toni Ryans Says... Negative People at work are like poison. I know, it sounds drastic, but it's true. Even when you're feeling crappy one day, a negative person can really just inadvertently spoil that temporary feeling of job-ickiness. At all costs, I say, watch who you vent to, especially if you're just venting and not trying to instigate a workplace coup.

2. Send out the compliment boomerang. And for heaven's sake, don't be coy about it!
Y'know for the longest time, I used to do my best patting other people on the back as often as possible, even for nonsense. ("Oh, what a marvelous job you did sharpening all those pencils!") . But then I'd be so frustrated because I knew how hard I was working, and how late I'd be staying, and all without any acknowledgement from The Boss. And I'd be like, WTF! Can't someone mention about how terrible I look with the bags under my eyes today because of how late I stayed the night before?! Sometimes the compliment boomerang pays off, and it comes right back at you. But let's pretend the compliment boomerang is occasionally faulty, so don't count on it.

Go ahead. Toot your own horn. Yeah, I know, it's weird, probably feels impossible to do, but let's face it, if management doesn't know how you're doing it, it's nobody else's responsibility to let them know, it's all on you. And I'm not talking about an itemized blow-by-blow detailed account of your day, but if someone says, "Wow, that looks like it was a lot of work," don't try to diffuse it with a humble, "Nah, it was no biggie." Just honestly say, "Yes, actually it was a lot of work, but I'm really proud of my work." (And if this doesn't come easily to you, no worries. Eleven years out of college, and I'm still trying to stop acting like some unworthy intern)


3. Make friends. 2000 hours a year, that's about how many you spend at the office. If you haven't made any friends, than you truly are some anti-social SOB. Haa, kidding. I'm not talking about finding the yin to your yang or some magical soul mate. I mean, make your mama proud and be friendly, polite, and courteous. Somewhere in all that innocuous daily chit-chat, you'll find that you have people you count as "friends".

The upshot is when you've got pals at work, ever notice the day goes faster? Plus it's MUCH easier making small talk with friends than it is with people you're trying hard to not get close to. If you've got some grievance about work you just want to air, it's easier to talk it off with a friend, and in the long run, getting stuff off your chest is much more than letting it fester ('coz then you'll turn into a Negative Person, and you don't wanna be that person!!!)


4. Give gifts. OK, I'll be honest with you. I don't know what this means. They say little trinkets to other co-workers. I guess as little suck-up gifts instead of becoming actual friends with a person (as directed in the previous item). I really don't get this one.

Let me put it this way, spare the gift. Only give it if you're certain the gift boommerang is comin' back atcha. (What? It's not mean! Really! I don't get this one!)



5. Be nice to other people. So this is just basically an extention of Rules 1-4, I guess to cover everyone else who isn't already your friend, receives compliments from you without reciprocating, someone you suck up to with desk garbage, or the meanest person at work. Be nice to everyone else, is what this should really say. If you can't figure out why, then you clearly didn't watch enough After-School specials as a kid.

And since I'm on a boomerang-analogy kick, let's just call this one the niceness boomerang. Wait, Boomerang of Nice sounds much better. When you're nice to people, they're gonna be nice back to you (or at least the normal people and the heavily medicated will be nice to you). When you're an a-hole, I find people are less likely to be nice to you off the bat.



And see, it all comes down to this, my litmus test for liking your job: Birthday Cake. When your birthday rolls around, are you gonna get any? And it's not about liking birthday cake, or liking being the center of attention, it's about whether or not other people will bother. And seriously, nobody will if they think you're a jerk, or worse, a jerk who hates their job.

Of course, expecting Birthday Cake, or having a celebration for you, as always requires a little bit of campaigning on your part. Don't expect Birthday Cake to appear if you've been so secretive about when your birthday is. You gotta let people know! And that's a piece of cake (yes, intended pun) when you've got friends in the office (#3), or when you give random gifts (#4), or when you are generally nice to others (#5). People naturally wanna do something nice right back (yes, like a boomerang) and sometimes the easiest way to do that is by making sure they remember ... say it with me... your birthday!



So there it is. If you get Birthday Cake, chances are your job likes you, and likewise, you like your job.



Now make a wish damnit!


~ fin ~

"We'll be there between the hours of 7AM and Never"

Was trolling Facebook just now and came across HS Friend Rob's status: "PSE&G appointment window 7:00-9:00. Its 9:15".


By the end of all this, it looks like the appointment has been bumped to some vague time on Friday when the sun may or may not be up. Couldn't be any less vaguer.

I don't get what happens there. The ubiquitous "wait at home for the serviceman" appointment that seems to be just some sort of show; they really don't intend on getting there at any specific time, day, or in the neighborhood of. The appointment-making process just serves to get YOU - the customer - off that person's back. For the moment. That person being The Scheduler.

Let's talk about The Scheduler. They only have one job. To schedule you and move you along. I am not even sure they are really sitting in front of a computer -- let alone a calendar -- when they are scheduling you. I envision a not so-bright bimbo-like person miming the action of writing. Like writing in the air. I don't even think there's paper in the room. Just a desk, a phone, and a copy of the funnies. In fact, I think they are making it up as they go along....

YOU: ... So do you have anything open on Thursday?

The Scheduler: Thursday the 25th or Thursday the 27th?

You: Uhhh... no, I mean like this Thursday. Three days from now?

The Scheduler: ... ok... hang on, let me see..... OK, what is your availability on Thursday?

You: Well, whenever. As soon as possible, so I guess first thing in the morning.

The Scheduler: ... Let... me... seeeeee..... Oooh, no. Nothing in the morning.

You: Okaay then. Afternoon?

The Scheduler: Hmmm. No, nothing available at all on Thursday.

You: Well... well when's the next available opening?

The Scheduler: Oh! We do have something open tomorrow! Any chance you are available in the morning?

You: Sure! When in the morning?

The Scheduler: ... Give me ... one... second... let's see.... OK, there's a 6:45AM appointment... no, actually that won't work. How about 8:30?

You: Eight Thirty? That'd be perfect!

The Scheduler: OK then. Now, just make sure someone will be home between 6:15 and 1:55PM.

You: Six fifteen A-M?! And two in the afternoon? What kind of window is that?

The Scheduler: Sometimes the tech team can run a little long on the previous appointment so we like to build in some extra time. And it's 1:55 PM, actually. Not "two in the afternoon".

You: But six fifteen in the morning? Won't the guy be on a call at six forty-five??

The Scheduler: What can I say, these guys can sometimes work pretty quickly! They're just so punctual, it's ridiculous.



Ya know... now that I'm thinking about it more... not only do I not think that any actual "scheduling" is going on, as we know it, but I don't even think The Scheduler even works in the same place as The Service Guy. I firmly believe that there is some age-old turf war at the workplace between these two characters, and the single joy they extract from their jobs is just repeatedly screwing each other over. Yes. At your expense and sanity.


Right now, somewhere in HS Friend Rob's neighborhood, I'm convinced there is a PSEG truck trolling around, the driver laughing his ass off while he keeps sending The Scheduler straight to voicemail. Meanwhile, no power or electricity in the Chez Rob, his children bathing in water warmed up over a sterno can, and his wife making dinner, armed only with a can opener and paper plates. Oh, the injustice.

And worst off: no TiVo.


I don't know how The Scheduler can live with herself. I hope someone forgets her birthday.

The Cost of Battling Dehydration

Apparently, as long as I am always armed with a fist full of cash, I should be set on staving off the latest anomaly striking middle-class employed thirty-somethings: DEHYDRATION.

Went "clubbing" in the city over the weekend.

Wait, that sounded dumb, allow me to rephrase. I was out in the city over the weekend, and we ended up at a bar/club/lounge/adult-version-of-Chuck-E-Cheese, and as we started approaching the twilight hour, I started holding off on the cocktails and asked for a glass of ice water.

Through the loud fist-pumping bass and crowd chatter, the bartender conveyed to me that they didn't just hand out ice water. "Bottled water ok?"

I was already okaying the bottled water before she got the sentence out, it didn't matter, I was just damn thirsty. The place also served a variety of yummy bar treats, their yumminess increased by the amount of salt in the dishes, so being thirsty for something other than alcohol was to be expected. If I had to buy my water, so what.

What she put on the bar was the following:

What she said next was the big shocker. Ya ready?

"That'll be five dollars."

...


Ya still there? Yes five dollars.

Now, I am not normally hit by sticker shock. When you grow up on the east coast, and you have an affinity for nice stuff, you start to walk into every situation of commerce already bracing yourself for the bad news. It's to be expected.

But FIVE FRICKING DOLLARS for 240 milliliters of artesian goodness from Norway??

Oh yeah, did I mention it was from Norway? Maybe the import tax was built into the cost. Or the fact that this beverage is a 0-calorie, non-fat liquid delight with no nutritional value whatsoever. Or maybe I am paying for a bottle resembling a spraypaint can, for what purpose I know not, maybe to deter would-be water-thieves by camouflaging the look of the bottle...?

What's amazing to me is that this product, made entirely from a single ingredient listed as "artesian water", tasted remarkedly like that other popular brand known as "Tap Water". You're probably familiar with that "tap water" I speak of. Well, this Norwegian artesian wonder tastes just like that!! Incredible similarity! Uncanny.

So, since I'm sure most of you have not had the pleasure of being near-death thirsty and standing in a mecca of decadence with barely five dollars in loose change left in your pocket, I will just give you a little something to use as a comparison:

In case you were not privileged to get the same blue ribbon NJ public school education my parents scoured for me with their hard-earned tax money, then I will do the conversion for you:

240 ml = 0.240 liters

0.5 l = 0.500 liters

0.240 liters of Artesian Water imported from Norway in a bottle shaped like a spraypaint can costs $5.00 USD.

0.500 liters of good 'ol Nestle bottled water imported from quickie mart down the street costs 95 cents. Three quarters and two dimes.

Note to Self: Next time I have a "night in the city" on my agenda, better remember to apply for a personal loan.

Coming soon... the $115 parking ticket we found later that night on the car that I didn't park, and why I am being asked to help pay for it. Don't worry, you'll totally see my side.

Wedding Guests' Secret Gripes (from MSN)

So I encountered this article on MSN.com ... Secret Gripes of the Unfortunate Wedding Guest.

A topic I've long griped about and often thought of blogging about... but this article totally hit the nail on the head for me, that there was no point in me coming up with a list. Here is a gist of theirs:

Wedding Guests' Secret Gripes

You've been to a few weddings yourself, so you know there are just some things that can rub you the wrong way. Here are a few helpful reminders about what guests can't stand.

• Your Timing Stinks (as in, Why the two hour gap between wedding event & FOOD?!)
  


• You Picked a Bad Day (as in, thanks for picking Labor Day weekend)
  


• You're Boring Us (as in, We love long speeches and inside jokes. Kidding.)
  


• The Food Isn't Great (as in, Seriously? Swanson's?)
  


• You Make Us Pay?! (as in, I flew all the way out here on my Labor Day weekend, and you're hitting me with a cash bar!!)
  


• You Sat Us Here (as in, thanks for putting us in the way of the swinging kitchen door)
  


• You Don't Invite a Plus-One (as in, I know I'm single, but I love feeling awkward at a wedding)
  


• You Put Us to Work (as in, No you didn't just ask me to direct everyone to the coat room)
  


• You Don't Say Thank You (as in, I still haven't heard back from you about that enormous cash gift. Should I assume it was stolen??)
  

Since I know you agree with at least two of the above nuptial infractions, feel free to add any more, or any horror stories of weddings you've endured.

Er, attended.