From the Archives: "Non-whitening Toothpaste"

Got my teeth cleaned this morning before work, so I was thinking about this toothpaste commercial I just saw. They now make "ENAMEL SHIELD". Well, thank-freaking-goodness! My teeth were feeling quite unguarded lately. I now can relax in the knowledge that my enamel will be adequately protected.

How about just concentrating on helping us retain that just-from-the-dental-cleaning feeling? Kinda like "new car smell" for the mouth? I'd totally drop a fortune on any toothpaste guaranteeing my teeth will always feel and look like they just got a good scrubdown at the hygenist.

I mean, that'd be a helluva lot better than restraining myself as long as possible from having my first cup of coffee today! Well, truth be told, a helluva lot better for everyone else.

Meantime, enjoy this blast-from-the-February, my thoughts on marketing ethics within the world of teeth cleansers.


Non-whitening Toothpaste


Would you buy it?

Non-whitening toothpaste, that is.

Seriously, if the product says, "Great mint taste and new non-whitening formula!"

I wouldn't.

Next time you're brushing your teeth (and hey, if you're doing it right at this moment, kudos to you, crazy multi-tasking hygenic computer user, you! )... take a look at the tube.

It says it's one of them there newfangled "whitening" toothpastes, don't it?
When did that happen? That the whitening agent was discovered by man, and manufactured into a dry minty paste form? The late 80's? Early 90's?

Maybe I'm remembering my childhood all wrong (like the way I recall those wintry days of walking ten miles to the bus in bare feet)... but I feel like aside from the fact that there were only like four brands of toothpaste (Crest. Colgate. Aim. And then later, the advent of the oh-so-fancy striped Aquafresh.)... that back then, toothpastes only promised (and delivered!) to do only one or two things. Provide freshness. Be minty. And on occasion, also provide Flouride (if you were into them expensive toothpastes).

Now toothpastes are doing everything short of preparing your taxes and disciplining your children. (Good thing toothpaste has a very patient demeanor.) They help you build tooth enamel. Get you desensitized to cold foods. Hot foods. Taste like bubblegum. Taste like vanilla. Taste like a vintage whiskey. Kill bacteria. Kill bacteria that has yet to be identified. Whiten your teeth to a glow-in-the-dark finish. Aside from making your mouth anti-bacterial, also anti-microbial. Keep your mouth anti-bacterial for hours. Days. Months. Make you less hungry. Make you tell the truth. And yes. Give you minty fresh breath.

But above all, most of them state the obvious. "Whitens teeth!"

Well, HECK I CERTAINLY HOPE SO!

Who wants to be the guy that makes the toothpaste that doesn't whiten teeth?? I mean, since the purpose of all toothpaste is to assist in cleaning your teeth, to some degree, by removing dirt from your teeth, you are essentially allowing the teeth to be whiter than they were when the food debris was still in your mouth. So basically, don't all toothpastes "whiten", more or less?

"Yeah. I can say for certain that we have flouride & have great minty flavor... but I don't know about this whitening nonsense. I've been using my product every day, five times a day for eleven years... and my teeth are ... well, I guess they're white. But not whiter than they used to be. At least I don't think so. Just leave it at Minty Taste! More flouride! Leave out the whitening part. I'm sure my toothpaste will sell just fine."

HAH. When there are thirty other boxes of toothpaste on the shelf, and the rest of them are telling me I'll be buying whitening action in a tube, why would I want to chance it with a toothpaste that may or may not do more than just clean my teeth??

So when do you think it started? When people realized that to sell more toothpaste, they needed to promise more whitening? Was there an actual invention of a whitening agent? I don't remember ever actually hearing it about it in the news. Maybe it got eclipsed in the headlines that day by the little girl in the well. Or the Bronco chase on the LA Freewway.


Maybe coz Baking Soda & Hydrogen Peroxide didn't need to be invented!!!!

Isn't that all it is?! Baking soda & peroxide???


So. With that in mind, I have a new wave of marketing genius that will sell more toothpaste than any human being has ever needed in one lifetime.

"Now with even MORE WHITENING POWER! And solves math problems!!!"

And every tube of toothpaste will come with a whole box of no-frills baking soda and a cheap solar calculator.


~fin~

From the Archives: "Cap'n Crunch is a masochist"

Was trying to capture where my mind was at this time a year ago. Of course, not surprised to find out I was ensconced in nonsense.

Cap'n Crunch is a Masochist

Tommy Jordan & I were talking today about foods that have caused physical injury. You know, how like when you're eating a potato chip or a Dorito, sometimes it'll get caught in the back of your throat, and then a humiliating -- and upsetting! -- choke fest will ensue. Not pretty.

It made me think of how much I hate Cap'n Crunch. Oh, sure, you're all so proud of the Cap'n's heroics... destroying those big bad soggies with the ability to stay crunchy even hours after soaking in milk. But what the hell keeps it so damn crunchy... shellac?? I can't even begin to ennumerate the number of times I have ripped up my gums, the roof of my mouth, and the inside of my cheeks eating this stupid cereal.

And "eating"? What am I saying? I mean battling, more like it. Battling against the Cap'n and his artillery of edible shellac. And what kind of fake stupid rank is Cap'n anyway? Is that above a Sarge but below a Gen? And who would put a midget with a huge hat (with eyebrows, no less) in charge of a whole cereal-protecting armada?? I always used to think, "Man, that Cap'n Crunch sure is a poor man's Colonel Sanders. What a wannabe!"

So there it is. I hate Cap'n Crunch. And obviously, I'm also not a fan of any corn flake type cereal, unless it is frosted. And no you don't even act like you are above any type of food-aversion... I know you have been caused harm by a food in the past. (Hello! Must I remind you of the roof of the mouth pizza burn?)

'Fess up. We won't begin finding peace with our Hated Foods until we start owning up to it.

"Blood is thicker than water"

OMG, that phrase is pissing me off right now.

Like big time.

I have to endure a week long cruise to Alaska with my extended family, and right now approximately 1-3 of them are driving me bananas. I tried to get out of the trip, but now I'm trapped between duty and the impending guilt trip from my folks if I bag.

Usually I feel very Caroline Manzo on this subject... I am fiercely loyal to a fault, but I think in my (old?) age, I'm learning to adopt a new policy: don't surround myself with people who make me feel unhappy and make me nutso in general. Whether or not they're related to me.

So blood may be thicker than water, but water's much better for you if the blood is treating you like crap.

That's my new mantra. Not very catchy, but I think in time, it'll take off.

Loyal Listener's Party Dishes

After reading through tons and tons of emails here are some the dishes that were at the top of our list to try!

Best Dessert
Oreo Pudding and its great with just about everyone but a big hit among the little one's, and it's extremly easy. It's a mixture of vanilla and chocolate pudding (any brand or home made will do fine) and crumpled oreo cookies.

- Ryan Epp

Best Mexican Dip

1 package cream cheese

jar of salsa (mild or hot, your choice)

bag of shredded taco seasoned cheese (montery jack, colby type mix)

In a shallow casserole or pie dish (I use a 10 inch round) spread slightly softened cream cheese.
Cover with layer of salsa Sprinkle shredded cheese over salsa to completely cover. Microwave approx 3 minutes or until all cheese is melted. Serve with tostito chips.

-Sue Fisher, Hillsborough NJ

Best Pepperoni Dip

2 Cans cream of mushroom soup

2 Blocks of Cream Cheese

1 Package Hormel Pepperoni broken into little pieces

Baker at 350 for 1/2 hour or until bubbly, you can keep in a crock pot on low and serve with cubed plain bagel pieces

-Lisa Nichols

Best Crab Dip (or Ball)

1 8-oz package of cream cheese
1 6-oz can of jumbo lump crabmeat (be sure to spend the extra for the jumbo lump crabmeat - it’s definitely worth it)
1 bottle of chilled cocktail sauce

Soften the cream cheese and fold in the crabmeat. Roll into a ball (or any shape that you would prefer), wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate at least an hour (this can also be made the day before). Place the crab ball on a plate and pour the cocktail sauce over it. I like to use the whole bottle because I like the contrast of the tangy cocktail sauce with the cream cheese. Serve with crackers.
-Janice McMaster

Best Pasta Salad

Box of Barilla “Cellentani” pasta

McCormick Salad Supreme Seasoning (found in the spice aisle)

Mayonnaise

Miracle Whip

Chopped vegetables of your choice: carrots, celery, red pepper, cucumber, etc.

Cook pasta as directed on box. Drain and cool pasta. Add Salad Supreme Seasoning to your taste preference. Add equal amounts of Mayonnaise and Miracle Whip to preferred taste. Add chopped vegetables. Chill in refrigerator.

-Florinda Friend

2009 Emmy Nominations !!

BEST DRAMA SERIES
'Big Love'
'Damages'
'Dexter'
'House'
'Lost'
'Mad Men'

BEST ACTOR, DRAMA SERIES
Bryan Cranston, 'Breaking Bad'
Michael C. Hall, 'Dexter'
Hugh Laurie, 'House'
Gabriel Byrne, 'In Treatment'
Jon Hamm, 'Mad Men'
Simon Baker, 'The Mentalist'

BEST ACTRESS, DRAMA SERIES
Sally Field, 'Brothers and Sisters'
Kyra Sedgwick, 'The Closer'
Glenn Close, 'Damages'
Mariska Hargitay, 'Law & Order: SVU'
Elisabeth Moss, 'Mad Men'
Holly Hunter, 'Saving Grace'

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR, DRAMA SERIES
William Shatner, 'Boston Legal'
Christian Clemenson, 'Boston Legal'
Aaron Paul, 'Breaking Bad'
William Hurt, 'Damages'
Michael Emerson, 'Lost'
John Slattery, 'Mad Men'

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS, DRAMA SERIES
Rose Byrne, 'Damages'
Sandra Oh, 'Grey's Anatomy'
Chandra Wilson, 'Grey's Anatomy'
Dianne Wiest, 'In Treatment'
Hope Davis, 'In Treatment'
Cherry Jones, '24'

BEST COMEDY SERIES
'Entourage'
'Family Guy'
'Flight Of The Conchords'
'How I Met Your Mother'
'The Office'
'30 Rock'
'Weeds'

BEST ACTOR, COMEDY SERIES
Jim Parsons, 'The Big Bang Theory'
Jemaine Clement, 'Flight Of The Conchords'
Tony Shalhoub, 'Monk'
Steve Carell, 'The Office'
Alec Baldwin, '30 Rock'
Charlie Sheen, 'Two And A Half Men'

BEST ACTRESS, COMEDY SERIES
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, 'The New Adventures Of Old Christine'
Christina Applegate, 'Samantha Who?'
Sarah Silverman, 'The Sarah Silverman Show'
Tina Fey, '30 Rock'
Toni Collette, United States Of Tara'
Mary-Louise Parker, 'Weeds'

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR, COMEDY SERIES
Kevin Dillon, 'Entourage'
Neil Patrick Harris, 'How I Met Your Mother'
Rainn Wilson, 'The Office'
Tracy Morgan, '30 Rock'
Jack McBrayer, '30 Rock'
Jon Cryer, 'Two And A Half Men'

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS, COMEDY SERIES
Kristin Chenoweth, 'Pushing Daisies'
Amy Poehler, 'Saturday Night Live'
Kristin Wiig, 'Saturday Night Live'
Jane Krakowski, '30 Rock'
Vanessa Williams, 'Ugly Betty'
Elizabeth Perkins, 'Weeds'


Join us in PST chatroom and tell us if your favorite shows made the list!

10 First Date Mistakes

According to Marie Claire, doing any of these 10 things could squash your chances of scoring that second date...so read carefully and avoid these no-no's at all costs!
by Cait and Kelsey the Interns

1) Arriving late

2) Wardrobe malfunction

3) Talking politics or religion

4) Checking out other people

5) Bringing friends (non-group date)

6) Getting too drunk

7) Being too aggressive

8) Being too unaggressive

9) Canceling at the last minute or standing someone up

10) Being the dominant speaker



Join me in the PST chatroom to share your own words of wisdoms, awkward moments, or first date disasters!

There's "great" karaoke, and then there's "GRATING" karaoke...

Found these two lists on ew.com

10 Great Karaoke Songs

1) “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” - Pat Benatar
2) “I Want it that Way” - Backstreet Boys
3) “What’s Up” - 4 Non Blondes
4) “Basket Case” - Green Day
5) “Umbrella” - Rihanna
6) “Uptown Girl” - Billy Joel
7) “Before He Cheats” - Carrie Underwood
8) “Jump in the Line” - Harry Belafonte
9) “All or Nothing” - O-Town
10) “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” - Celine Dion

10 Grating Karaoke Songs

1) “American Pie” - Don McLean
2) “Summer Nights” - Grease Soundtrack
3) “Vision of Love” - Mariah Carey
4) “Rehab” - Amy Winehouse
5) “Hurt” - Nine Inch Nails
6) “Irreplaceable” - Beyonce
7) “Heart of Glass” - Blondie
8) “Like a Rolling Stone” - Bob Dylan
9) “Hollaback Girl” - Gwen Stefani
10) “Sweet Caroline” - Neil Diamond


What thinks ye of this list?

I'm guilty of committing one of these Grating Crimes... I've played Karaoke Roulette, and have had to sing Hollaback Girl. And by "sing" we really mean "puke out" ... is the statute of limitations run out on apologies for that??

Although, as anyone who has frequented the local karaoke circuit knows, the Toni Ryan Karaoke Song of Choice is Pat Benatar's rendition of "Hit Me With Your Best Shot". Classified here as "Great". THANK GOD. Have also done "What's Up" and "I Want It That Way" <-- hey, it's an awesome group singalong song.

So quit acting like you don't understand what this list means.... comment here or chime in on the chat room: http://www.wpst.com/chat...

From The Archives: "I'm Worth Millions. Seriously, I am."

"I know everything about movies."

Them's sounds like fightin' words.

The interns are here in the studio chatting about movies and the like, and this came up, thanks to Intern Gerard. So we started talking "The 'Street" again... i.e. The Hollywood Stock Exchange. Read on. Challenge me if you dare.



I'm Worth Millions. Seriously, I am.


I'm kind of a big deal on "the exchange", if you will.

How much a big deal, you ask?

My Net Worth is: $6,675,276.00


Yes, I am active player on the Stock Exchange.

The Hollywood Stock Exchange.

I've been an active trader for many years now, obviously you don't built a portfolio like that overnight. I can't believe I've never mentioned it before... Well, I'm mentioning it now because now I feel like showing off. And I'm feeling a little competitive. Anybody trade on the HSX?

Well, feel free to join. They'll even start you with an easy two mill.

So, what is it?

Good question, I'm not sure how to answer that, because even the HSX people themselves never actually refer to themselves as a game. Or an online distract. Or pretend-stock-exchange.

Which is actually what they really are. A pretend stock exchange. I have no idea who started it, why they started it, or what the point is, but it just an elaborate online time waster for folks with more than just a passing interest in the entertainment industry (and/or folks who love the whole system of trade and exchange). And it's actually owned by Cantor Fitzgerald, and they're like real finance and money people.

So there it is. The gauntlet. I dropped it.

Feel free to join, and keep me posted on your progress. I often like to make fast gains with Hollywood Derivatives. I'm contemplating a couple thousand Idol Warrants, but Alison Iraheta's price just jumped to $14.56 a share.

I also don't recommend any Jennifer Lopez ... her stock price has leveled out at like $21. What a massive loser. It is also fun putting money on how new movies will fare at the the weekend box office. (That's really the secret to how I built my current fortune.)

I'm currently ranked in the +81.03% percentile... can you top that?


(Doubt it!)


~fin~

From The Archives: "Vending Machine Asphyxiation"

UGH. Vending Machine Strikes Again.

Saw this plea for snacky goodness from Newman taped up, and it immediately brought me back... back to May.... May 5th, to be exact....


The vending machine in our building is evil.

Aside from having a generally disappointing assortment of overpriced goodies, it occasionally likes to steal our money without warning. Total bully.

From across the building, and even within these soundproof walls, I will occasionally feel the low, seismic-like rumble of someone angrily hurdling their entire bodily weight against the snack machine; I think I can even tell when they've had a running start. Hours later, a bag of French Onion Sun Chips will still be lazily dangling from A4, kinda like a teasing sign saying, "Hah... You got owned. See this baggy of Sun Chips, you sissy? I got your seventy-five cents... seven times over, you loser. And I'm never giving you these Sun Chips. Go ahead. Keep throwing yourself at me. Go ahead, you just try and lift me, girlfriend."

Then there are the hand-written manifestos of anger. Sometimes typed-up letters, as if anonymity will keep the anger of the vending machine Gods at bay.


"The machine owes me 2.55."

"The Twix bar that's hanging is mine."

"If someone gets the Pretzl Niblets, I want the BBQ chips behind it"

"FYI the machine takes fives and tens, doesn't take ones or loose change, and only gives change back in nickels."

etc.



This week, the note says, "You can't get anything from Row B".
Well that's nice to know. Then, why are the items in Row B even there? Decoration?

I only ever get the Party Mix.

Party Mix!!!! WHOO!!!! YEAH PARTY! YEAH MIX!!
It's not a party without the MIX! WORD!
Party Mix! WHOOOOOOOO!

It's fifty-five cents, and it's a nice sampler of Cheetos-like thingys, Doritos-ish chips, pretzel sticks, and is fairly dense. I think it's a pretty good bang for your buck.


Fortunately for me, Party Mix is on Row C.

Today, starving. Slide a buck in without issue, punch in my C2. Nada. C2 again. Dollar spits out. Slide dollar in, but it won't take. Hit reset eleven times. Slide dollar in again, and hit C.... then 2....

AND THEN I HOLD MY BREATH.





I hear churning.





I hear bubbling.





I see the metal spiral thingy begin to rotate.





Party Mix starts to trudge forward.





It is barely to the edge when I see spiral movement STOP.










.... and then it is just a moment.

ALL TIME STOPS.


Silence.




... and then the bag begins to gently lean forward...





C'MON C'MON C'MON.... FALL!!!!!!!!!!








It awkwardly leans forward, and when the last corner of the bag begins to slide past the metal spiral thingy, it stalls, and the corner catches on the metal.








And that's when I realize: I am holding my breath.








WTF. Seriously. It's a $0.55 bag of generic snack leftovers.




I start to exhale some disappointment when the bag continues to descend and I hear that vague crunch as it hits the bottom of the vending machine window.





TRIUMPH. Thank God.

The majestic orchestral sounds play in my head, and sounds of cheering and smile proudly as I walk through the halls carrying my prize with my orange fingers.



Seriously, this is totally ridiculous. That I go through this vignette of dramatic excitement EVERY TIME I USE THE VENDING MACHINE. If I had a nickel for every time I have held my breath in apprehension using that damned machine, I'd be rich.


Well, no I wouldn't.

But I'd sure have enough change to attempt to a make a six-pack of Diet Dr. Pepper bottles. But man, I don't think I'm up to the task.

~ fin ~

30 (Not So) Sexy Conversation Starters

Many women consider Cosmo the "bible," yet lately some of their guy advice is less than sound. Check out some of their ridiculous "irrestible lure-him-in tricks" that are more likely to embarrass you than help you hit it off with that cute guy.
Oh, and whatever you do, please DO NOT try these at home...or anywhere else for that matter. ~~ Interns Cait & Kelsey for Toni

On the beach
**"Paddle up to a sexy surfer and say, "I drifted away from where my girlfriends are sitting. Would you mind if I climbed on your board for a second so I can get a better view of the beach?"

Think about the negatives for a second...In a movie this move works out perfectly but in real life not so much. Two people + One surfboard = tragedy waiting to happen. The odds of you mounting the board without having it catapult the "sexy surfer" into a crashing wave are 1 in a 1,000,000. So just don't.

At the bar
**"Don a necklace or T-shirt with your name on it or, if you're more daring, a cute moniker like Sweet Devil or Foxy Mama. Don't be surprised if a friendly fella starts chatting you up to see if you really live up to your title."

If you own a "Foxy Mama" or "Sweet Devil" shirt please save yourself some embarassment and throw it out NOW. No one should even own these never the less use them to seduct someone in a bar.

**"Lose" one of your earrings. Start eyeing the ground, especially near that dude you'd like to date. Lift your hair and show him the other earring so he can help you in your search. When you both hit the floor, lock eyes with him, then smile when you're just inches away from each other's lips.

Chances are the guy will have bad eyesight. And you'll never see that pretty little earring again... Bad idea.

In a bookstore
**"Pick out a humor book, sit down next to him, and start laughing seductively. Lock eyes with him and let him know you're not a psycho — this book is just so funny! Lean in to show him a hilarious line."

No, you'll definitely look insane. And if the joke sucks and he doesn't laugh, you'll look even more insane than you did to begin with.

At a party
**"Say, "You look so familiar. Didn't we meet at Lisa's coed naked lawn-bowling party?" It doesn't matter that he won't even know who Lisa is; he'll be so intrigued, he won't be able to resist asking what exactly happens at a naked lawn-bowling party. "

Naked lawn-bowling, really? This one's self-explanatory...

At the gym
**"After breaking a sweat, turn to a mouthwatering man and exclaim, "Ooh, I can't catch my breath — I just don't know if it's the workout or the company."

Unless you look like Megan Fox or Gisele Bundchen you'll probably just look like an out of shape fat girl gasping for air between words. Again, no.

In a coffee shop
**"After taking a big sip of your mocha so your smackers get doused with whipped cream, ask if there's any whipped cream on your lip. Take a long time licking it off. "

You may think this can be extremely sexy and seductive and in a perfect world it might...face it this is terrible. You'll probably end up drooling or having whip cream melt off your face and onto your shirt. Just...no.


Click here to check out more of their so-called "tips"...

Texting Do's & Don'ts

Phone calls are out and texting is in, which means there's a whole new set of rules when it comes to someone you are dating. Here are the do's & dont's of texting...

DO say the words text me when you give out your number to a new guy.

DO text him back within 24 hours. Anything beyond that reads “I’m just not that into you—or your texts.”

DO ask him out over text. If you like him, gauge his interest by sending a light-date invite without hesitation. Try: “Don’t know about you, but I predict I’ll be parched after work Thursday. Drinks?”

DO use the phone on certain occasions. For instance, if he calls you and you like him, you absolutely must return the call. Texting back in response to his call reads uninterested.

DO learn how to send him into the friend zone. Throwing a “Buddy,” “Pal,” “Kiddo” or “Sport” somewhere in your texts usually accomplishes this. If he’s smart, he’ll take the hint. Girls interested in dating him don’t typically call him “Kiddo.”

DO send a thank-you text, post-date. Even if there were no sparks, it’s just proper flirtext etiquette. But if you had the best date ever (we’re talking full-on fireworks), call him the next day to say thanks. If he felt the same way, he will definitely appreciate the reassurance!

DON’T text your ex. This is rule is especially important to remember when you’re feeling lonely and vulnerable

DON’T just text “Hi.” Even if the only reason you’re texting him is because you’re thinking about him, this kind of short and shy flirtexting typically leads nowhere.

DON’T go overboard with abbreviations and acronyms. Things like “MTFBWU” (May the force be with you) and overzealous “LOL” usage should be reserved for texts with your tween cousin or BFF, not to a PBF (potential boyfriend).

DON’T send a sexy message before you are in an exclusive relationship. Doing this puts your secret fantasies at a high risk of being forwarded to all of his male coworkers.

DON’T purposely send him a “mis-text.” Women tend to use this move as a way to make men jealous. But he’ll see right through your needy outreach and move his texts on to the next.

DON’T kid yourself. If he only texts you past 10 P.M., he’s just looking to hook up with you. The late-night flirtexter does not want to date you. Respond at your own risk.

On that note: DON’T TUI (Text Under the Influence). Any text sent while under the influence of alcohol, Ambien or a good Leo DiCaprio film is a bad idea! Conditions that lower our inhibitions make it more likely that we’ll text things we otherwise wouldn’t.

found at glamour.com