If The Sticker On Your Car Still says 11, You're Pretty Much Screwed

My inspection month is November.

How I sometimes I forget this, I know not. Maybe it's the not-every-year thing that makes me forget, but I've endured many unfortunate Black Friday's that have fallen right on the end of the month.

And now it is Monday... already an inconvenient DMV day, and it is also the last day of the month.

Lucky for me, my ol' pal Kyle is my DMV informant and when I asked his opinion on camping out at the DMV on Friday instead of braving the malls, he said, "Absolutely not. Go now." That was last Tuesday at 3:15PM, and since I never question the wisdom of Kyle The DMV Informant, I was in and out in under twenty lazy minutes. Chillaxed. Texted. Boom, done.

But I know many of you are not lucky enough to have a Kyle The DMV Informant in your lives, so if you are reading this, you are probably packing a meal, a Harry Potter book, and something to pee in as you head down to your local inspection line.


For you, I would like to share this piece of good news:

The DMV's website has webcams at their inspection lanes. So you can (and always should) take a gander of what's going on out there. Just scroll the list of all the locations on the left side of the site, and find your DMV of choice. Then voila... current webcam footage.


I scanned thru all the current pics, and if you're planning on going this afternoon, I will now just tell you what you already know:

You're screwed.

(Go ahead, don't be shy. Look closely.)

Celeb Before & After's: Deny It All You Want, Your Nose Is Growing!

Celeb Before & After's... I love 'em.

After posting those fantastic collagen disasters, I thought I'd have a little reflective Thanksgiving moment with y'all. Glad I like my nose & mouth just fine, bc I couldn't afford to get that stuff fixed -- both financially, or self-esteem wise.

This round: Nose Jobs, both denied and admitted.

Enjoy!

Celeb Before & After's: Lips Doubling As Floatation Devices

Lisa Rinna, she of Infamously Inflated Lips, tweeted a pic of herself without makeup.

I don't know why she would choose to ruin everyone's Thanksgiving this way, but it got me thinking of celeb Before & Afters. I love looking at those things. Plastic surgeries, enhancements, bared of makeup, I love it all.

Here are a few notable Before 'n Afters, where collagen is concerned.

(Lisa Rinna herself was actually none too shabby when had normal person-size smackers)

OK, so I didn't really compile this myself, it was linked to the same page revealing this Lisa Rinna horror. Stay tuned, they also had fantastic before 'n after nose jobs!!

Taylor Lautner... better than a trained seal

Oooh. Aaah.

That Taylor Lautner is, like, sooooo talented.

I mean obviously only someone this raging hot could be blessed with so many marketable skills.

Like catching grapes in his mouth from remarkable distances.



Here he is, displaying his mad skillz for Conan O'Brien:

If Only All Famous People Were Like This

This vid was posted at TMZ....

So, paparazzi catches up with Ken Jeong...

who you know best as the naked Asian dude from The Hangover and now on that new show Community, among other stuff.








... and the guy's waiting to pick up his parents and he actually seems pretty down to earth. What a nice switch. Imagine if all celebs were this low-key? We might actually find celebrities quite boring.

This dude gets my Taylor Swift Sphere of Influence Stamp of Approval. After all, I've said it before, and I'll say it again, we live in a Taylor Swift world, and I'm completely freakin' ok with it.

Another Reason to Support Vegetarians

Here's to all your rampant Paula Deen fans who think she can tackle any kind of food product on God's green earth.

Well, guess what. She just got owned.

By a chunk of flying ham.





I hate getting socked in the face with a 30 pound ham.


Although, poor Paula. Such a nice Southern lady about the whole thing. I woulda been all "WHAT THE...?? OK WHO'S THE A%&* WHO THREW THIS #$%ING THING AT ME?!"

Getting Rid Of The Evidence, Appetizer-Style

I have always said, "Nothing ever disappears without a trace unless it's been consumed".

Just my way of keeping my hopes up when I invariably lose something. But looky here, words that have never rung truer, my friends!! Dude gets arrested and manages to do away with the evidence... by EATING IT!





Utter brilliance. I don't know of any CSI unit that can separate ink traces from fiber soaked in intestinal acid and covered in poop. Just brilliant.

Coffee Served By Chicks In Bikinis?

The place is called "Perky Cups".

High priced boutique coffee... served up by baristas wearing bikini tops. In Denver.

This concept didn't offend me so much at first, I guess it's kinda like Hooters-switch-out-the-beer-for-a-latte, with a smidge less clothing.

But then I watched this newsclip, and the creepy owner, slash "Chief Bikini Inspector" made me wanna hurl. Ew, wait, I think I actually just puked in my mouth a little right now.




Although, judging by this news footage... I'm gonna take a gander and say they only serve one cup size. And it's not a large.

Shame. That's not gonna be good for business.

Jenny Lopez got a boo boo on her bum. Anybody wanna kiss it?

Jenny Lo's meaty bottom hits earth, and the whole world feels it.

Seconds after the spill, Twitter hit critical mass and Facebook statuses were changed to read something like, "JLO FELL ON HER A$$!". People wore out the instant replay button on their TiVo's, and clips were getting ripped to YouTube at breakneck speed.

Any guy or gal who's landed right on their tush knows the stinging jolt that goes through your spine, simultaneously with a red-hot wave of embarassment. And if you're super Type A Jennifer Lopez, you storm off stage and demand that this spill get pulled from the West Coast feed.

Good idea, so no one on the other side of the country can see this fumble.


Good idea, NOT! Duh, Jen. You hide that flub, and everyone's gonna wanna see it. It wasn't even that bad of a fall. Your pride was probably bruised more than your bum. Good thing she wasn't actually wearing Louboutins, coz maybe the fall coulda been worse. Gah, she woulda had the entire West Coast feed destroyed!

And now, it has made the highlights reel:





Lady Gaga, I want to make fun of her, but she is both incredibly artistic and clearly talented as a musician. Just plain old insulting her by calling her "weird" seems pretty weak.

Taylor Swift, another winner speech. How can we not love this kid? Oh, I know. If she takes a spill on the dance floor bragging about her $5000 shoes, then maybe.

Toni Ryan's Fast Cheap Christmas Solution #8

Got a buck ninety nine? Yes, $1.99.

...then you can nab this Sleeveless Smocked Turtle Neck,
or these Cassidy Button-Waist Flare Pants, or this Frayed Fringe Bib Necklace.

Your choice! These were a few items priced at $16.99 on their website.



Click HERE for a "$15 off a $15 purchase" coupon for The Limited It's also doubles as a decent "$50 off a $150 purchase" coupon, and can be used online.



...BUT IT EXPIRES THIS MONDAY 11/23/09!!



So hit PRINT and get thee to a mall, stat!

Other tips from Toni Ryan's Fast Cheap Christmas Solutions collection

• #1 The $10 Vera Bradley bag


• #2 The Free Lands End gloves


• #3 The stuff for 99 cents at Chadwick's


• #4 The free Kodak Gallery picture keychain


• #5 Wrap bulky awkward gifts for $1


• #6 FREE Gift Tags


• #7 50 Free Photo Cards from Fuji Film

Toni Ryan's Fast Cheap Christmas Solution #7

50 FREE Photo Cards from Fuji Film

This one is a CRAZY good deal but it expires THIS SATURDAY!

Get fifty 5x7" Photo Cards with envelopes on Fuji Film's photo sharing site seehere.com ... plus (GET THIS) FREE SHIPPING.

Use promo code "newbaby"... but again, it expires THIS SATURDAY 11/21/09.

Other tips from Toni Ryan's Fast Cheap Christmas Solutions collection

• #1 The $10 Vera Bradley bag


• #2 The Free Lands End gloves


• #3 The stuff for 99 cents at Chadwick's


• #4 The free Kodak Gallery picture keychain


• #5 Wrap bulky awkward gifts for $1


• #6 FREE Gift Tags

More Danger in the Playground! (Guy Falls Off See-Saw)

Is there anything else left in the playground that is safe for kids to play with?

Jungle Gym, OUT.

Swingset, OUT.

Merry Go Round, OUT.

Playground Bullies, OUT.

Creepy Adults, OUT.

Germs, OUT.


Now, yet one more reason to bail on the playground for good: THE SEE-SAW

Toni Ryan's Fast Cheap Christmas Solution #6

FREE GIFT TAGS. And they're already in your home.

OK, I know this is sorta lame compared to the great online/coupon/sales deals , but Toni Ryan's Fast Cheap Christmas Solutions also rely on the practical, the clever, and that old-fashioned reluctance to leave the house and spend money. I'll take FREE any day.

You've probably heard of this one, but it bears repeating...
Re-use old Christmas Cards to make gift tags!

Other tips from Toni Ryan's Fast Cheap Christmas Solutions collection

• #1 The $10 Vera Bradley bag


• #2 The Free Lands End gloves


• #3 The stuff for 99 cents at Chadwick's


• #4 The free Kodak Gallery picture keychain


• #5 Wrap bulky awkward gifts for $1

Lady Gaga + Poker Face + Walken + Cartman = ??

First there was Lady Gaga and her strange ways.

Then came Poker Face.

Soon after, Christopher Walken.

And South Park's Cartman.

And now...

Lady Gaga + Poker Face + Walken + Cartman

= This awesome music video mashup

Ellen Scares The Crap Outta Dakota Fanning

Hahahah -- I love watching people getting the crap scared outta them.

This is from Ellen the other day, with guest Dakota Fanning hawking her Twilight New Moon flick.

Toni Ryan's Fast Cheap Christmas Solution #5

Wrap a huge, awkward present for ONE DOLLAR

Use a plastic table cover from the dollar store. This is good for gift baskets, kid's toys, or if you're just plain lazy and/or cheap. All the stuff you don't have a box for, not enough wrapping paper for, or simply don't want to have to buy special boxes or extra rolls of wrapping paper for. That kinda stuff.


Either use it the way you traditionally wrap a gift (hospital corners and all), or plop the gift in the middle and gather up the sides at the top then tie it all the gathered edges together with a ribbon. Or yarn. Or string. Or whatever.

Voila.

Other tips from Toni Ryan's Fast Cheap Christmas Solutions collection

• #1 The $10 Vera Bradley bag


• #2 The Free Lands End gloves


• #3 The stuff for 99 cents at Chadwick's


• #4 The free Kodak Gallery picture keychain

Toni Ryan's Fast Cheap Christmas Solution #4

Get this picture keychain Kodak Gallery... for FREE!

Use a $15 off coupon on this $14.99 keychain. Toss in a 4 x 6" for another nine cents and $2.99 shipping, and you're golden!

To get the coupon code, just go to http://kodak.promo.eprize.com/millionsofthanks/fetch_profile and they'll email you the code!

My coupon expires December 1, 2009, so don't sit around thinking, just do!

Other tips from Toni Ryan's Fast Cheap Christmas Solutions collection

• #1 The $10 Vera Bradley bag


• #2 The Free Lands End gloves


• #3 The stuff for 99 cents at Chadwick's
  

Relax everybody, they're now making the dessert with Viagra

This is to document one of the dumbest ideas ever: Viagra Dessert

I mean... why?

Like, you want Viagra? Then pop the damned pill. You want dessert? Go and get one. This is the ultimate in lazy.


And you can thank a bunch of culinary students. In Columbia. The home of cartels and coffee. (go ahead, complain about my ignorance, but those are the only other things I know about the home of Juan Valdez)




I am pretty upset about this.

Probably because the dessert itself looks good, and I will never get to have it.

Toni Ryan's Fast Cheap Christmas Solution #3

This charmeuse top AND the velour shorts are $0.99 from Chadwick's

Yes, 99 cents.


... or get this "elegant wrap" and coin bracelet for 99 cents:

Your solution for today is a pretty awesome Chadwick's coupon code that'll get you $15 off a $15 purchase. I tried different combos to come out with fifteen dollars on the nose, but everything is priced with an annoying decimal.

The Promotional Code: CH15OFF

After that additional 99 cents you'll have to fork over, shipping starts at $4.99, handling is two bucks.


You've got until next Monday 11/23 to take up this offer.



Other tips from Toni Ryan's Fast Cheap Christmas Solutions collection

• #1 The $10 Vera Bradley bag


• #2 The Free Lands End gloves

Toni Ryan's Fast Cheap Christmas Solution #2

These Lands End gloves are FREE.

Get the gloves! Or hey, don't get the gloves -- it's actually a $10 off of a purchase of full-price items of $10 or more. Shipping not included (For something this small, standard shipping is $5.95)

At checkout, look for "Promotional Code" and enter landsend. Use "Pin" 1124.

You're welcome ;)

Other tips from Toni Ryan's Fast Cheap Christmas Solutions collection

• #1 The $10 Vera Bradley bag

Toni Ryan's Fast Cheap Christmas Solution #1

This Vera Bradley mini-bag is $10

(6¾" x 4" x 2¼" 3)

They've got in this Caffe Latte & Java Blue among other loud Vera-friendly prints.

Nab it now at Vera's website

"Secret Diary of a Call Girl" No More!

I was a fan of the Showtime's "Secret Diary of a Call Girl".

It was a dramedy based on the real-life blog confessionals by a mystery high-class call girl in London. Billie Piper, former wannabe popstar and actress from Doctor Who, played the main character Belle De Jour (yes, this was her pen name), and it was funny watching Belle get in and out of the kind of secret-life hijinx that would only befall an intelligent-cash-strapped-hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold.

I liked it a lot.

The best part is just this week... the real-life Belle De Jour has outted herself.




And get this, turns out she is a scientist researching cancer.

She took on prostitution to get through school. She couldn't take "the life of lies" any longer, and so she came clean. Yes, now that the show is over.

WTF... you coulda kept your trap shut, lady?

I think she could've gotten away with not saying anything, cashing checks for rest of her life, while finding a cure for cancer.

Now the excitement of the mysterious Belle De Jour is ... GONE! Just like that! Now it's no longer Secret Diary of a Call Girl.

It's more like the Real Life Journals Of a Doctorate Student Who Can't Afford School.

BOOOOO!!!!! I hate that title! Her guilty conscience just instanteously ruined the show!

(This trailer is "safe" to watch, but I should mention that the show itself is very much Rated R)





Great, now we know she's a real person who pulled this off... I wonder if anyone's still gonna bother filling out that wretched FAFSA form anymore.

Car Stuck In High Water? (That's putting it mildly)

Well that sucks.





In this Wednesday, Nov. 11, 2009 photo, wrecker driver Gilbert Harrison, with MCH Towing, attaches a towing cable to a Bugatti Veyron that was driven into the water near Omega Bay in La Marque, Texas. A man blamed a low-flying pelican and a dropped cell phone for his veering his million-dollar sports car off a road and into a salt marsh near Galveston. (AP Photo/The Galveston County Daily News, Chris Paschenko)

I am going to marry Mark Thompson

Who?

How dare you.

Well, frankly, I didn't know either... 'til I saw a fascinating clip of him on the news and began to furiously Google him. He's a weather guy in LA, who's made somewhat a name for himself not in areas concerning meteorology or predicting the future, but... with his bad-ass dance moves.


And I don't want to marry him because I fancy myself in love with him (Toni Ryan does no such frivilous things) but because I am impressed with his respectable career (my parents would dig that) and he's not embarassed to shimmy in the middle of a major market newscast. Plus, he's likely to have a sweet pad on the beach. Frankly, I don't even care if he wouldn't know Doppler if it fell right on his head.

But enough of his marriageable qualities.

I pulled a few hidden gems from his vast portfolio of hard-hitting-meterology-meets-danger-on-the-dance-floor.

Why can't our local weather be this interesting?

I am: Single. Female. Short. (getting ready for the next Census!)

My parents are from that generation.

You know which one, the one where they randomly hit the Forward button on their emails and think they're doing a huge service for mankind. If it weren't for my dad, I wouldn't know about the hypodermic needles hidden in the payphone booths. Good thing I use a cell phone.

Now and again, I'll get something that doesn't automatically scream out to me "DELETE ME!", so I'll check it by Snopes, and get confirmation once again that my parents are paranoid conspiracy theorists with a horrible sense of humor and unusually superstitious.

Today, it was the one I got from my mumsy, entitled: "FW: fwd: 2010 Census, BEWARE! Forward to everyone you know!"

... and actually, it was quite informative! And according to Snopes, the real deal. Go figure. Go Mom.

So here it is -- straight from Toni Ryan's mom -- a safe and useful reminder for you in case people come to your door this season, asking for lots of rather personal info, and claiming to be an official Census person.

And it comes from the Better Business Bureau and you know those people don't dabble in BS.

Oh, and if you're not into reading and what not, just watch this less taxing video from the BBB, cutting to the chase for you lazy types like myself:

Modern Warfare 3? (as dreamed up by The Onion)

Oh, you silly The Onion.

Boys everywhere are tickled with delight this week thanks to the release of the video game Modern Warfare 2. And by "tickled by delight" please feel free to envision obsessive Twilight fans, or crying tween girls in line for Jonas Brothers tickets.

In case you're not familiar with this "Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare" nonsense, it's only "the most-anticipated (video) game of the year and the sequel to the best-selling first-person action game of all time." (their words) "Modern Warfare 2 continues the gripping and heart-racing action as players face off against a new threat dedicated to bringing the world to the brink of collapse."

Ho-kay then!

Well this was a national obsession gripping more or less half of the population, a trend The Onion couldn't let just slip by unnoticed.

Here's their take on a Modern Warfare "future release".... an ultra-realistic take on military experience.

We Live in a Taylor Swift World. And I'm OK With That.

If there was ever one person in the world right now who should never get picked on, it's Taylor Swift.

Because messing with her is like taking on a sweet gal with a huge protective family. Which is how it seemed last night at the CMA Awards. It was like country music's opportunity to give Kanye the collective finger.

Here's some highlights from Taylor's big night at the show:

There is a cool little bit missing, when she thanked every single person in the room... for not rushing the stage.

Does it not seem like Taylor Swift is on top of the world right now? I'm almost scared for her that she will do something silly & stupid, like get caught speeding in a school zone. Or cutting someone on the deli line. And then this entire Taylor Swift bubble will explode, and the media will quickly turn on her (which they will, but I still hope it won't happen anytime soon).

You want one more reason to idolspise her? Apparently she skipped all the after show galas, and tweeted this:

"Just wrapped up a cereal party with my mom and dad at the kitchen table. What a night."

Oh, Taylor! Please don't F it up anytime soon, kid!