I just wanna buy a steam mop, that's all

Remember when your folks bought their first camcorder?

A bohemoth piece of appliance that threatened to mess up your shoulder to Quasimodo proportions. Or a camera so light because the heavy part was hanging on your other shoulder. Well, remember the fun home videos you'd make with your friends? Doing stunts on your bike. Pranking your elderly neighbor. Etc.

So, I guess this is what happens to that generation, now that home filmmaking has made it possible for anyone to entertain themselves. I have been for months toying with the idea of buying one of them there fancy steam mops that you can only dream about (well, actually, maybe I wasn't dreaming -- I fell asleep in front of the TV again, so it was probably an infomercial). In my quest for more info, I stumbled upon this video "review" of the infamous Swiffer Wet Jet.




OK, so I didn't really get a review out of that.

Amused, yes. Not that it was amusing, but amused that someone would go to that much trouble. And it was rather useful, if I needed someone to show me how to put the danged thing together. Thank God for making these itty videos with people just talking about what they think about stuff that they own. Maybe it'll be useful to somebody.

Kelsey Grammer's Rockin' Pacemaker

LOL-ish funny. Kelsey Grammer on Letterman last night talking about his health...

Who Wore It Worse?

I love those "Who Wore It Better?" sections in the rags.

'Coz it is like an advanced form of the old celeb-backbiting we used to do, when we used to just let out a collective sharp inhale of shock 'n awe because omigod someone was wearing the same dress as someone else. Ohmigod.

Now we just battle it out for the public to decide, but to me the funnier part is that some of these dresses are SO FREAKING UGLY! that I wouldn't even wanna be crowned the winner of that contest.

These are among the latest...














Seriously, would you be proud of being crowned the victor in the battle of "Who looks better in this God-awful ugly thing?"

Hahaha, I can't even name some of these people. Maybe this should be really called, "Who is this person wearing this really hideous dress?"

Conan's Concussion -- the footage

I'm sure once upon a time, Conan O'Brien's ma told him at least one or two million times that he was hard-headed.

Here's the proof:

Scary or Hoax?

So, we're getting into the season -- autumn, leaves changing color, hot cocoa and sweaters, and SCARY VIDEOS!!

This story was posted in the British press about a home video of a baby, and an eerie voice heard on the tape. Tommy Jordan thinks it's a blatant hoax. I don't ever mess with that stuff, dare it screw with my karma or something.

Here, check it out....



So. Whaddya think?

The DeLay Reaction

That should be a name of a dance move. He's a congressman, people! Who cares if he drops Cheryl Burke??

Remember when this show used to be about B-, C-, and D- listers who couldn't dance -- much like normal people?? Now, everyody is like professional-grade, sequin-wearing samba dancers. Huh? When the heck did this show become Dancing With Semi-Professionals Who Are Sorta Stars.

Anyhoo, here is Tom DeLay's moment of normalcy... still WAY better than the Average Joe.

Khloe Kardashian Wedding Day Pix

Check 'em out now while you can...

I'm sure an injunction will be whisked across LA at lightning speed to cease & desist these lame 3 pics, but I love that when faux-celebs make pacts with the devil about who gets to publish their pics, they set themselves up for ridiculous clamoring for anything and there's always bound to be a leak. Thanks to x17online.com for catching the meager drip.

And I love that thanks to celebs and their ill relationship with the stalkerrazzi, I know what an "injunction" is and what "cease & desist" means.

You Belong to Taylor Swift, you shiny VMA you.

I know this is so last week to most of us, but I think it's worth revisiting. I was listening to "You Belong To Me", the latest empowered-girl anthem from Taylor Swift, and also the song that provides soundtrack to the corresponding video that brought Kanye to his feet in a maelstrom of defiance and Beyonce-love.

For better or worse, regardless of what your individual opinions are on the matter, Taylor Swift is the 2009 winner of MTV's Video Music Award for Best Female Video.

I think we've forgotten that. And the fact that she's a starstruck teenager living our her dream, excited and optimistic the way we might be if we were in her shoes, makes the title even more exciting.

I'll admit it, I'm not a black & white Taylor Swift fan, I'm neither here nor there on the subject of pretty Southern girls who are successful singer-songwriters. But I do think she's ok. Do I like her now? Probably a little bit more. But there was something that happened that night that stayed with me, and I think in the midst of the dark cloud of Kanye this item got overlooked, and frankly I don't know if anyone who read about Kanye-gate in the stream of buzz that went on over the next week even knew that this performance happened afterwards, so I'm reposting it here...

New Music

How cool is that?
Whether or not it was pre-recorded (if it was, then it's even better) or lip-synced, pulling off this elaborate commuter-nightmare production is impressive in and of itself.

Taylor Swift has the infamous "X-factor" that makes her charming, watchable, and relatable. And her ability to slalom around a crowded subway car in motion, smiling, and singing, and making it to all her camera marks on time, that's an additional talent.


People can sing, but some people can't perform.


So, years from now, I'm sure we'll only remember this latest highlight in Kanye's career, but hopefully we'll also remember this energetic little hobo in the subway.




http://bit.ly/cKF2V

BLINGGGGGGGGG (times 9)

Ok, the topic is NOT "Who the hell are these people to begin with?" or "Why the hell do we care?" I'm over it.

Khloe Kardashian is married to NBA player Lamar Odom, and that's that.

But, what I will admit is when you start parading around these ridiculous courtships with pretty and/or rich people, I'll watch. I'm curious to see how the rich & ridiculous live, and frankly I can't wait to see the wedding pics.

What I did finally find, though, is equally as captivating in the meantime... Khloe's engagement ring...

A "9-carat, radiant cut diamond sparkler paved band".

Hello.

That's like 2 and a quarter carats for every week he's known her.

Yeah, dwell on that one for a sec.

Too bad that's not the accepted measure by which a man decides on a size of an engagement ring. How long he's known you.

'Coz if that were the case, I'd be owed a few bowling ball-sized rocks at the end of the day.

"We're the DANCERS."

Who doesn't love a good viral video?

It's like when a joke gets told at the watercooler, and it's actually a good one. So, without further ado, the infamous "Baby Dancing Along to the 'Single Ladies' Video" video:





Of course, a baby dancing to Beyonce's Single Ladies can only remind a person like myself of one thing...

The matching SNL parody with Justin Timberlake, which, thanks to NBC and its paranoid unwilling-to-share-with-others ways, makes it a rather difficult video to hunt down online.

But no worries, my crazy research-obsessive ways have made it possible for you to share in this piece of rare archival hilarity.

Never thought Paul Rudd & JT in a leotard would make me literally LOL so freaking hard. Enjoy!

Sweet Valley High, Jake Ryan, Fashion Plates and other stuff from my Electric Youth

OK, before I get outted as a poser, I was not a Sweet Valley High reader. I don't know why I never got into it. I was remembering this because it was announced the other day that "Juno" writer Diablo Cody is reworking Sweet Valley into a film.


Between that news, hearing that Melissa Gilbert is starring in Little House on the Prairie: The Musical over at the Paper Mill Playhouse, and bittersweetly reminiscing about One Day at a Time over the last few days, I've been thinking about all the things that I've ever loved over the years, even the stuff I can remember that reminds me of the older girls I worshipped. I wanted to be as good at roller-skating as Angelica, Elizabeth, & Theresa, the girls who used to babysit me. I used to tell them that my folks were ok with us rollerskating around the house. (They weren't.)


And since we're being all honest and confessionalistic today, I really was also not much of a Little House on the Prairie fan. So shoot me.

Yes, I'm talking about the original Sweet Valley High generation when hair was still slightly feathered, like totally to the max, not the later incarnations that even Intern Danielle says she remembers reading as a girl (Intern Danielle was born in 1990. Do the math).

Little House, sneaky Connect Four siblings, and pastel-colored Reebok hi-tops. That's my generation.

Everywhere I went, my peers were embracing Jessica McClintock because it reminded us of someting Laura Ingalls-ish, yearning to be little Little Oprhan Annie (or at least one of the other orphans... just to be in Andrea McCardle's radius was enough for us!)

Molly Ringwald was our "It" girl, we had Nancy Drew books in our classrooms growing up, and we spritzed Love's Baby Soft/Liz Claiborne/L'air du Temps on ourselves at one point or another. We watched Gimme A Break, Facts of Life, and Webster.

In later years, Debbie Gibson was our Miley Cyrus, a 16yo wunderkind who not only wrote her own music, she also made her own perfume... what a mogul! Cindy Crawford and Club MTV were our icons for style. We were wearing biking shorts under our dresses, complete with vests over the dresses and a vintage hat and oversized mens jacket to finish.

The eras of Madonna we know best are the original Material Girl and the 50's retro True Blue girl (who scandalized us with her keepin' her out-of-wedlock baby despite Danny Aiello's protests). We vogued along with her, and then a lot of us fell off the wagon while she pushed the envelope right past our comfort zone. The bustier cones might've been a tad too much.

We wore bodysuits with our jeans, felt deceived when we figured out Andrea Zuckerman was in her thirties in real life (GASP! Thirties?! She's OLD!), and really dug it when Revlon came up with that whole line of dark lipsticks and matching nail polish. Coffee Bean, anyone?

I know a lot of you will remember some of that, but I know there are a few of you out there who were exactlyin the same place I was to get hit with all those great moments... is that you too?

If so, here's to tossing our banana clips out for scrunchies, trying to wear a housekey as an earring (ouch, too heavy!), and thinking Jake Ryan from Sixteen Candles was the standard by which all men should be held up to.

I might have an extra tube of Toast of New York left in my Caboodles for ya.

East Coast lands on Wisteria Lane

I completely forgot that blink-and-you'll-miss-it entertainment news blurb, that there was a noteworthy cast addition on Desperate Housewives, which returns to our flatscreens Sunday. Drea You-may-remember-me-from-The-Sopranos de Matteo is coming to Wisteria Lane in a whirl of new-season-mystery, and conjuring up the brassy East coast "thing" that we all know her best for.

You go, girl. You show them prissy west coast girls what we're all about.

So, I found these neat little vids on ABC's website, and I managed to get reinvigorated about DH --- something about the long breaks between seasons, or the abundance of available shows can somehow squash that flame of passion you have for your favorite shows, right? --- I even managed to get excited all over again.

Here's one of the sneak previews I caught....




You can use the same link to access other ABC previews... enjoy!

"You look like a crazy bear lost in a swamp"

Without a doubt, one of the best reasons to watch Dancing with the Stars is for the gem of those unexpected, seemingly-unintentional sparkling innuendoes from judge Bruno Tonioli.

He is like, er, like, no other. I don't exactly know how to describe him, but he makes me laugh out loud, and then hit the instant replay button on my remote:


"So exciting, you all did so well, Cristian, for someone who couldn't bang in the beginning, you are banging now." -- to Cristian de La Fuente

"It was like watching a trailer for Shrek goes cha cha cha." — to Penn Jillette

"I want more emotion lust, love, I want you to be a dirty girl."' —to Kristi Yamaguchi


HUH?!
Which is exactly why I love him. Sometimes I absolutely don't get him.

Anyhoo, today in my hunt to find a Best of Bruno Tonioli reel on YouTube, I did stumble upon this from The Soup from a couple years ago that still elicited a chuckle from me since Bruno is still exactly the same way...

If there is actually a webpage devoted to compiling a list of memorable Brunoisms, I must know, immediately.

Most hated words in Internet

Grrr this sucks without internet today.

Other hated words. 404 File Not Found.

How 'bout you?
TRyan945@gmail.com (via BlackBerry)

You're a New Moon

New pics emerging from the set of "Twilight: New Moon" and now available to you, thanks to the LA Times ...

Now, I'm neither here nor there when it comes to the Twilight franchise, perhaps I am a smidge too old (I think 27 is out of the target demo), but I liked the movie, it was ok.


I think the RPattz/KStew chemistry was awesome.

I think the Ed Cullens squinty eye thing was a little outta control.

I can't take Dr. Cullen seriously when I remember he's Mr. Jennie Garth in real life and also the numbnut ER doc on Nurse Jackie.

I think Alice Cullen needs the short hair bc while the actress is prettier w long hair in real life, it makes her forgettable.

I think Billy Burke needs to get other jobs where he's not playing a cop.



So, I'm not a hater, see! I get it. But, I must confess this pic made me feel WAY different about the whole blood-sucking culture craze....



Hello!

When the heck did THAT happen?????

When Gorgeous Girls Wear Ugly Dresses

When it happened on the red carpet at the Emmy's, I thought, this was to be expected. But then I was enjoying a juicy episode of 90210 last night when I witnessed another fashion tragedy that threatened to ruin my night.


Twice in one week... is this becoming a trend?? Beautiful women clad in ugly threads??

First, check out soap star Victoria Rowell's "statement-dress" at the Emmy's:



I am all for making a statement.

And I am all for the statement Vic is trying to make here.


But dang, girl! Why all over your beautiful threads?! Whooo... quite the opposite of subtle! And the worst part, it's hard to make the flat-out statement that this dress is ugly because no one wants to get accused of making a political criticism if they criticize the dress. It looks like a bandanna, and I actually feel sorry for the president, that he got unknowingly dragged into this fashion crime against humanity. The Quaker Oats guy, how about him? His mug might've looked better on the dress.

Then...

Last night, the grim reaper of good taste struck again:




Ugh, way to introduce a potentially new character, people! I already dislike her bc of this awful dress! This loud piece of crap threatened to break the show.

Side thoughts on last night's episode:

Where the heck is this going with Guidance Counselor Kelly & Principal Harry. Naughty naughty. Can't screw around on Aunt Becky like that. Ew, I don't like Teddy, what a jerk. And call me stupid, I don't understand what Liam was doing (I was typing this, so I wasn't paying attention. )

Suri Cruise, Fashionista?

So, apparently the celeb gossip world is all agog 'coz Suri Cruise was seen sportin' pink lipstick and high-heels.

OK, so a little inappropriate for a 3-year old...? But who the hell cares?? It's called "Dress-Up", people, and as far as I know, all little girls do it! Some of us were even lucky enough to have a mommy who had real high heels and makeup we could play with, much to their dismay.

In my own experience, makeup and high-heels taught me that despite my eternal ridiculous-young-looking-ness, people could someday take me seriously if I looked mature enough (appropriately mature enough, not slutty, ok?), and that with high heels, I could actually reach things on the top shelf!!


Frankly, I love the clam-shell handbag. You go, Suri, with your Fisher Price bad self.


I'm so sure now everyone will be clamoring to their local KB Toys to nab this fashion find.

Some things you just gotta see...

I always manage to find some fascinating stuff on PST's website, like PST Video News... where I found this gem... it's surveillance footage of a regular ol' senior citizen bank customer tackling a bank robber with the heist in progress.

I wish there was sound, at least just to drown out me screaming, "NO YOU DI'INT!!! DANG!!!"

But oh my goodness... lots of great angles of footage, and I love the other lady reluctantly coming in for the assist, trying to find something to help apprehend the baddie... like is she thinking "Need to grab a stapler, a highlighter, SOMETHING!" Hahaha... her final recourse, a nice swift kick.

... then like an unexpected free gift with purchase, the next video automatically popped up -- some ridiculously huge piefight. Awesome!

Thank you PST Video News, you rock.

Politics is SO Entertaining!

See.... if we really did pick our political leaders in the style of an American Idol vote-off, maybe people would find the whole civic process much more interesting (read: entertaining).

Behold the witty Obama on Letterman ...




or the winning Delay/Burke combo on Dancing with the Stars...





Like, if there were a public poll today on a real "serious" topic based on last night's performances by these two gentleman, what would be your take on the state of the world? Maybe we could laugh our way towards world peace.




Hahahahah.... yeah, right.

Emmys 2009 Best & Worst Dressed

Aah, so many gorgeous dresses... but of course, a lotta crap too.

Here's what I liked:

These I didn't like so much:

My absolute favorites:

And some final thoughts:

Hayden... like, how old is this girl? 19? 20? What is up with this whole look, she looks like so ... matronly.

...and, for heaven's sake Blake Lively -- pls tell me you were double-stick-taped together in there...

Kanye'll-a let you see it...

I know, I know. Day late, dollar short.

But I still think this is funny, just a little hard to explain.

So, help me out here by clicking HERE right now ... (it's not porn)

[Hit your BACK browser if you
get trapped and can't get back]

Hahahah --- obviously, this is much funnier when it's slapped right across a Taylor Swift web page, as in here...

(Problem is, when you try and do this at her official site, the auto-animation kicks on pretty quick. Total buzzkill)

Wanna Kanye-bomb* your favorite sites?

This page at pastemagazine.com explains easily how you can make Kanye blatantly interrupt your internet experience.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

AND YES... I declare that I am the originator of verb "to Kanye-bomb". It is obviously the act of being Kanye West and inappropriately blurting out your opinions relating to your fame/ wealth/ talent/ position (pick one) all in a very highly visible setting. Only problem is... you have to actually be Kanye West for it to be a legitimate Kanye-bombing.

I anticipate there will be a rash of faux-Kanye-bombs in the coming months, as evidenced by this recent act of randomness.

Great. 'Coz I'm sure everyone loves to get interrupted by rude people. Just great.

Illegally Blonde

So. Katharine McPhee... remember her?

(Quickie refresher... she was the 2nd place American Idol contender the year that Taylor Hicks won... yeah, how about that, anyone remember him??)


ANYHOO.... Katharine was a popular choice, bc not only was she a great vocalist, but she was gorgeous, with beautiful long brunette hair... Ring any bells now?

WELL HOW 'BOUT NOW:



Am I the only one who thinks she looks totally ridiculous??

"Facebook Fever" - a public service announcement

I first saw this funny blog video awhile ago, but now as I'm getting caught back up in the (w)ebb & flow of Facebook mania, I thought I'd share this with y'all... if you've just started sticking your toe in the vast pool that is Facebook, then you'll totally love this, because it's exactly what you go through in those early days.

And even if you are by now a well-versed addict, drowning in a sea of Li'l Green Patch requests and Mafia War mob hits, you'll enjoy reminiscing of simpler days when getting poked was your worst frustration (and not knowing if poking people was a euphemism for something).

PLUS, now that my dad has recently discovered a portal into the world of Facebook, it's a good reminder to me -- and all of you -- to beef up them security settings PRONTO!!

I don't think The Big Tony cares to see how talented I am at drinking from a keg, through a plastic tube, upside down while dangling by my feet.



Hahhahaaa... kidding.




But made ya almost look, didn't it?

I Dropped the Bahhh

Well the brief if you missed it:

A lifelong Phils' fan catches a foul ball, hands it to his 3 yo future-Phanatic, and she does exactly what she thinks she's supposed to do with a ball that's thrown to you... ya throw it back.


Here is her explaining to her burgeoning paparazzi exactly what she did to elicit the classic look of shock on her dad's face:

Seriously, what's not to love?

(p.s. although I will tell you what's not cool -- it's not even been 24 hrs and you'd be hardpressed to find footage of the special moment bc the MLB apparently had nothing better to do today but scour the web and incinerate all traces of it even happening. God forbid, guys, there's any proof that your sport is America's favorite pasttime.)

(p.p.s. ok I did find a clip of infamous Catch 'n Release moment here ... see it while you can!)

Um... Ernie Anastos says WHAT?!

I wanna believe I heard wrong...

PG-13 Disclaimer goes here in the category of "Language"

Now don't get me wrong, I grew up watching Ernie on Channel 7. So, if this were the big Ern & I chattin', I might not think twice. But I can't be the only person who's noticed that personal censorship has gotten so so lax lately? And yes, this coming from an admittedly unabashed pottymouth.

Maybe I heard wrong?? What do you think?

And honestly what immediately concerned me actually wasn't the word itself, but what in God's name was he trying to say?? Curse word or not, that was the dumbest joke ever. Ernie, you're scaring me.

But nothing is as priceless as Dari's face! Whahahah -- that look of mortification was the real winner here.

If Jennifer Aniston were a popstar, would she be called "J. An"?

So Jennifer Aniston sings.

And I don't know if there's supposed to be a punchline there, I mean, it's Jen Aniston, America's sweetheart. No one makes fun of Jen Aniston. Especially if she puts herself out there and sings on national TV....

Check it out...





Well... whaddya think?

Jon Gosselin is no Shakespeare, clearly

"Whatever you do, don't fall in love with me ... because it's going to be impossible for me not to fall in love with you."

Hahahaaaaaaaaaaa hahahahahahahaah HAAAHAH ahahahahahahhaaaaaaaa

Oh goodness, give me a second to pull myself together.

Yes, according to The Hollywood Gossip, this sparkling gem is the line of caution Jon reportedly told his nanny. (Well, not his nanny, of course. The nanny to his eight-headed cash cow.)

This he said to her one of the nine -- count 'em, coz apparently she is -- nine times he was making the sweet love to the nanny in the comfy digs of the apartment above his mom & dad's garage. That's really impressive. Although, I guess... thinking back, if I were a 23 year old babysitter, maybe that statement might've swept me off my feet and straight onto the retro shag carpet, too. I mean, they did It nine times, for godssakes. They might as well be married.

Yes, nine times. (Feel free to repeat in your best Principal Ed Rooney voice.)

Jon Gosselin: it's bad enough I'm tired about hearing about you, and you're tired about us all talking about you, but for godssakes, at least try and lay low!

And if by laying low, it means keeping your pants zipped and your mouth shut, then so be it!

Whoa Kelly!

So, I guess it's safe to say we're mostly all "Team Taylor" today, right?

I mean, how can you not feel bad for the kid that was so excited to have a dream come true, only to have an angry, eccentric curmudgeon poop all over your happy moment.

But it seems like nobody is pissed off like my girl Kel... Kelly Clarkson.

Apparently, Kelly Clarkson has a blog. Which she doesn't update very often. But today the girl's got something to say... and WHOA! Read it... in all its blunt shame-on-you-Kanye glory at http://iamkelly.wordpress.com/

Kanye, you have been warned. America's Idol has got your number, and you better watch it. She just might write a not-very nice song about you in the near future. Probably with some convoluted title like You Are Such a Jerk to Girls and People In General.

It might hurt your feelings enough to make you cry. Now then I'd finally love to see you on TV.