100 SHORE Things!

Check out these awesome fun things to do at the Shore this summer. It's something to do thats more fun and more exciting than just going to the beach. July 15th is Belmar's Sand Castle Contest. August 17th-21st is Weird Contest Week in Ocean City, NJ. August 19th is Atlantic City Airshow. And there's so so sooo much more! Click Here for all of New Jersey Monthly's 100 Shore Things!

TELL ME IF THERE IS MORE FUN STUFF OUT THERE!

Desert Island Michael Jackson

I was thinking about the point in the 80's, when I was a kid, and Michael Jackson was beloved. I mean really, Michael Jackson could do no wrong. Guys loved him, girls wanted to marry him, and he was kinda adorable. And he had this cute little sister that was Willis' girlfriend on Different Strokes. We were loving the moonwalk, and upset that he nearly fried his 'fro doing that dang Pepsi commercial.

I was thinking of that very specific era in time... our family had cable, the kind with the box attached to the TV by a long cord. In fact we had two TVs with cable, we were sort of a big deal.

MTV was announcing that Friday was gonna be huge, the debut of the "Thriller" video. My parents were having a party, and all the kids gathered in the family room. Maybe twenty kids, every age, even some of the adults, hovering over this top of the line 19" screen, in the dark, just blown away. And then we waited, because supposedly said amazing video was to be played every fifteen minutes.

By Monday, there were attempts at some of the signature dance moves, but we were all in awe for months. At the annual Halloween parade, no more "Monster Mash" on repeat; it was replaced by "Thriller", and you can imagine how many white gloves, white socks, and moonwalk-accidents went down that season.

------

I had to go Newark airport last night to pick up my cousin. I was thinking about all the people coming off the plane who were hearing for the first time that he had passed away. Shock, disbelief. No more joking about the yucky. Just shock & disbelief.

Anyhow, it got me thinking of my favorite MJ songs... and the more I thought, the more I could think of.... and as I sat at the terminal waiting (the wrong terminal, as I came to find out two hours later), I listed my Top 5 Favorite Michael Jackson Songs If I Were Ever Trapped On a Desert Island and Could Only hear Those Five MJ Songs Ever Again. (I'm still working on that title)

Here's what I came up with last night:

1. You Are Not Alone
2. Man In the Mirror
3. I Just Can't Stop Lovin' You
4. Rock With You
5. The Way You Make Me Feel

Of course... between last night and this morning, all the retrospectives, the tributes, and just plain old thinking about it, I think I already want to change My Five.

So by this morning, I already had a new Five:

1. She's Out My Life
2. The Girl Is Mine
3. Dirty Diana
4. Off The Wall
5. Billie Jean

So give me another couple hours, days, weeks, whatever, I'm sure I'll keep coming up with a new five. Feel free to add your own.

A Big Announcement For a Big Announcement?

Today is Jon & Kate big announcement day.

I know coz there was a big announcement about it.

Ridiculous.

And then, there was a lot of press about the big announcement about the big announcement.


I hope it's not about divorce. Not 'coz I want their marriage salvaged, but because I want everyone to be wrong, thereby nullifying all the time our American press has wasted covering this story.

I hope the announcement is that they're cancelling the show. As much as I love watching those little rugrats create turmoil and yuck up Kate's immaculate floors, I'd be willing to give it all up just so the everything else went away.

And how how how did the tale of these two unimpressive people with eight kids become the center of a national media blank-storm??? You can all thank the haters.


Yes. Thanks a lot, haters.


All you people who had to keep pointing out that the Gosselins were not happy in real life -- the people who wanted ignorantly blissful viewers like me to know that what was really going on inside my favorite TV show... yes, I'm talking to you, you haters. You're the reason why this story is out of control and has to be invading every crevice of my media exposed life.


Because when I -- and countless others -- who enjoyed the entertainment of watching six fun kids and a pair of twins (one with a seemingly bipolar thing going on), no one really cared what was "really" going on behind the scenes. Because it's just a TV show. "Reality" or not, it's a TV show. Period.


You haters who were hellbent on revealing the truth about Kate etc. etc. Did you just not have enough time on your hands? 'Coz you went around letting the whole planet know Kate was really a B word (no duh) and needing to expose "the truth" about the Gosselins (that a person will do anything to provide for eight kids)... and guess what it worked. Coz you pushed "the truth" in our faces and now... IT WON'T GO AWAY!

So next time, mind your own business. It's just a TV show.

It'd be nice to have our news focus on important stuff for a change.

If I wanted to hear the dirty details of a failed marriage or an irate mom, I can call up any one of my girlfriends who is juggling a job, husband, and kids.

Real Housewives of New Jersey

The Real Housewives of New Jersey

Did you see this last night?! Ridiculous! Did she really have to bring the book to dinner?

Click Here to chat with us about it at 10AM

What's He Really Saying?

Do you think you know what he's really saying? Take this quiz from Cosmo...according to the guys around here -- its accurate! Lets see your stuff let me know how you do!

50 Guy Phrases -- Do you know what he's saying?

Tell us how you did..click here to chat with us!

From the Archives: "Stray Cat(s)"

I am re-posting this because the cats are still around... but only one at a time, and they're both getting skinny, and honestly, I think I'm... worried. Read up and gimme your input.



Stray Cat(s)

My mother is the lady who composts and throws stale bread on the patio for the birds (squirrels).

A lonely cat started appearing in her backyard about the same time of day... and pretty soon a little bit of an attachment formed. In the morning when she'd be tossing stuff out the back door, the cat would already waiting.



Fast-forward. Like a lot.


It is many years later, and the now-fat cat is still coming around. I was sitting by the window in my mother's kitchen over the weekend, when I realized this big fat cat was sitting on the deck staring up at me, real still, like a statue. The same cat. Now so fat, it had grown into two cats.

Yes, one stray cat has become two stray cats, practically identical, not just in color, but identical in overweight, overfed-by-scraps size.

My parents -- who never let us have pets when we were were kids -- now gleefully "ooh" and "aaah" when they find their little grey friends waiting for stale pizza crusts and rock-hard bagels. That look of expectant feline joy that screams "Feed me, stupid homeowner!" seems to entrance lonely retired folk like my mom & dad.


There's no fixing this situation, is there?


Like, obviously, because they've never been pet-owners did my little Filipino parents realize that it would not be a good idea to start randomly feeding the neighborhood strays. They've unwittingly "adopted" these two cats, who clearly don't have a real home. Or maybe every night they go home to someone's house where they feed them a meager amount of no-frills brand vittles, and are so amazed at how such little nutrition could miraculously turn out such massive animals.


OK, so obviously, it's all too late now. But are there like any actual laws about feeding someone else's pets when they show up at your doorstep? Should my parents have looked for a collar, tag, ID, something?

Like, at this point, do they bother looking for an owner, or do we treat these twin fat cats with the same lack of attachment that we'd accord to a rabbit or a deer?


I'm not sure if the answer is nothing. To like, not do anything.

But seriously, this feeding-the-random-strays nonsense is out of control!


I mean, for godssakes... they feed the cats!!!!


. . .AND THEY DIDN'T EVEN FEED ME!!!!

From the Archives: "Scrub, Christina! SCRUB!!!"

It's Monday, and the first thing I always think the moment I walk into this studio is, "Oh my God. What a mess."

I can't function unless my workspace is immaculate, and once I switch on, I am a fierce --albeit efficient-- machine. But the power light on this machine doesn't get cranking until my immediate area is clean. There's no arguing with this fact.

And all it really is is tidying, throwing out trash, and putting papers into parallel groups of piles, perpendicular to the edge of the counter. Everything has to be in a right angle to something else. Clutter makes me bananas.

Today is an extra special day because I see fingerprints on the window looking out to the parking lot and it actually distracted me enough that I'm not sure I said something coherent the last time I turned on the mic. It's Windex-city, baby!!

Anyhow, on that note, please enjoy this reminiscent dip into the archives... what I think of everytime I get crackin' on some anal retentive cleaning spree:

"SCRUB, CHRISTINA! SCRUB!!!"

It's funny what you'll remember from a movie.

I got completely psyched because I found out "Mommie Dearest" will be on Soapnet on Sunday. Seen it like a million and four times, and I don't know why I am planning on watching it again -- on cable no less, when I shoulda just owned my own copy by now.

And of course, the first thing everybody says when you say Mommie Dearest
(C'mon, say it with me)...

"NO... WIRE... HANGERS... EVVVVER!!!!"

For some reason, though, my Joan Crawford Quote of Choice is when she dumps the Ajax all over the floor (and on the kid) like some kind of mad man, screaming, "SCRUB CHRISTINA! SCRUB!!!"

Oh my God, that nuttiness. That both traumatized and cracked me up to no end when I was 11 years old and watching this movie for the twentieth time.

Spaceballs, anyone? That's easy:

"What's all this churning & bubbling?
You call that a radar screen?"
"No sir, we call it Mr. Coffee. Care for some?"

Of all the quotable moments and that's the first thing that pops in my head. My next favorite is what Rick Moranis says next: "Yes, I always have coffee when I watch radar. You know that."

I am convinced John Hughes had a list from the future of quotes that would become a part of 80's folklore, and he built a movie around them and called it Sixteen Candles.

Except for some reason, I always say:

"Well you don't spell it, son,
you eat it."

You know. The quiche scene?

Hah, how obscure!!

What are your obscure movie quotes? The ones other people would only know if they knew a film inside and out.

I could do this all day - name movies and pull out the most forgettable line in the whole flick. Tell me you can do the same -- I just need to know I'm not all that weird!!!


-- Fin --

3 Reasons He Didn't Call You Back!

You have an awesome first date, the guy seems promising, but then you wait...and wait...and wait....oh and you wait for a call the next day. When the phone doesn't ring you ask the infamous question -- Why Didn't he call? Well after reading an article in Marie Claire, there may be an answer...

...guys stereotype women right away. Whether its in the first 5 minutes on the phone when you decide to go out or if its the moment you walk through the door, they've put some kind of label on you. It's either:

1. The Boss Lady: He'd rather hire you than date you. You may feel very confident and independent, but sometimes its so overpowering he thinks your too uptight. At this point, he's thinking snuggling with you might be like snuggling with a porcupine in a pin stripe buisness suit.


2. The Park Avenue Princess: He knows your looking for a perfect "10" with at least $5 Million in the bank...it makes you look like a gold digger...and hey, maybe you just enjoy a nice lifestyle and there's nothing wrong with that. But EVERY guy who actually has the million dollar bank account automatically thinks back to that high maintence poodle he dated in the past, whether you are actually like that or not. So when the waiter asks what kind of water you want, drink from the tap for once...it never killed anyone!

3. The Sadie Hawkins: You pursue him, you set up the date and even sent a "thank you" email after -- you look a little desperate. He knows you like him but sometimes he wants to do the chasing. He knows how to contact you if he's interested...just sit back and wait after the first date. Let HIM do all the work!! It's more fun that way.

click here for the full article and Let ME know what you think!

Has Anyone Seen The Real Mady Gosselin??

I still like this show.

I don't care what anyone else says, or what is or isn't going on, because I still like this show. Because, people, it's a show. I'm sorry that in real life they are undergoing turmoil and discord, but as long as TLC sees fit to use portions of it as entertainment, then for goodness sakes I'm gonna keep digesting whatever TLC wants to serve up for me. Anything else that goes on beyond the realms of my flat screen are frankly none of my business. I

And yesterday, serve up they did. In fact, they served up their 100th episode with a little BAM!!!! Well, a lot of bam, because Emeril was on. I won't get into this round about the J&K damage control maneuver to allow the Reality TV Show vortex to collapse upon itself by letting cablenetworks collide right there in the middle of their 800 acre Kutztown studio disguised as a gated home.

(Next round for discussion: Recent family friendly guest-stars Duff & Ace of Cakes, Orange County Chopper, & Emeril? What's next? Stacey & Clinton ambush Aaden & his glasses?! Is that really meant to distract us from the tabloid fodder? Give us some credit, TLC!)

So what I do want to address is that I enjoyed the variety of "Favorite Moments" from the show, include the "Hannah pooped... in Hannah's underwears" gem. (It's at about a 1:00 in this Leah reel...)






BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY ... and probably the thing that I shouldn't have waited until so late in this entry... but clearly, Mady Gosselin is MIA.

And TLC is trying to disguise this by inserting a Mady lookalike, whose only physical flaw is that she smiles too much. Isn't it obvious that this isn't the REAL Mady Gosselin???

Hahahahha.... Seriously, if they're medicating her, or she's seeing a therapist, I realize that it's nobody's business. But in a show about the difficulties a large family faces, I'd love it if they addressed the emotional rollercoaster that is their daughter Mady. The Real Mady Gosselin is pissed off a lot, passive aggressive, and a real-life Katie Ka-BOOM. If they are addressing this behind the scenes, I WANNA KNOW! 'Coz it's ruining my show!!!

In fact, back to the Jon & Kate marital drama for a sec: at least on the show they own up to the fact that things aren't good. That's nice. Because I imagine even having one kid is stress enough for a married couple, let alone eight. I appreciate the honesty.

So there it is, a hundred episodes of Jon & Kate, and I think I've seen most of them. No shame.

But please TLC! At least let me know that the Real Mady Gosselin hasn't been body snatched and fighting to get out of the pod you've hidden her in! Assure me a federal crime has not been committed by showing me Mady at her therapist's (again that says therapist's not the rapist's) or Mady taking her Ritalin.

Because the Gosselin's aren't perfect -- then again, neither are any of us -- so it's always nice to have a little reality check, please.



From the archives of "Toni Ryan Says... Stuff about Jon & Kate" ....

.... like the Gosselins in Langhorne

.... my thoughts on the early haters

.... like me talking about Glasses Baby (a.k.a. Aaden)

.... discovering the new Memorial Day episode

.... or my thoughts on the How We Got Here episode

The Universe Is Self Correcting

This has nothing to do with "Lost".

It's raining today, and I need an umbrella. I have two or three in my car, two or three in my home, but for some reason, I thought about this umbrella that I actually bought like a month ago, mini-fold-up jobby that had a nice carrying sleeve.

I left this new umbrella in the basement of my church after a funeral. I've kept meaning to check out lost 'n found but I keep forgetting. My window of opportunity to claim a lost item like an umbrella is over, isn't it? Basic non-personal items like scissors, umbrellas, and pens kinda have a short statute of limitations, right? Unless they're engraved or really expensive looking.

So this morning, I'm thinking about this eight dollar umbrella and how I've been holding onto the carrying sleeve for a month with the intention of getting it back when I decided, Forget about it, Tone. Besides, in the last month, it has rained enough and plenty that I'm sure by now the found umbrella has brough momentary joy and dryness to its new owner. And I'm ok with that.

And then I realized... that's happened to me plenty of times. In dire need of an umbrella, and I just... found one. Either laying around in a closet, standing abandoned in the corner of a room for months on end, or even in my trunk and I had no idea how it got there.


So here it is: Umbrellas just appear. You might buy them, you might get some for free, or heck you might even steal one. But somewhere out there, someone has forgotten one, given one, or had one stolen.


It's karma. And the universe intends it to be this way. So, if you are soaking wet today bc you couldn't conveniently happen upon a lone umbrella in your travels, then you are probably an evil person.


But if you come upon a random umbrella just when you happen to need one, consider that the universe's way of giving you some props. Be grateful 'coz you're dry.

Get You Outta Where Coz You're a What?

Great.
They've invented another place for non-celebrities to go and milk some screen time. That's such a waste of humanity and my precious time, and I know I will end up watching some of it anyway. (See my old piece on Dancing With People You Don't Know)

This round:

• Stephen Baldwin


• Janice Dickinson


• SANJAYA the GREAT


• Heidi & Spencer


• Torrie Wilson (WHO??)


• John Salley (WHO??)


• Lou Diamond Phillips


• Patti Blagojevich

BLECH. Sitting here with the interns, and here is who we think SHOULD be on this show, since it will continue to exist whether we like it or not.

• Jon Gosselin


• Amy Winehouse


• Perez Hilton


• Eminem


• ALEC Baldwin


• Megan Fox
  
• Christian Bale


• Lindsay Lohan

I think that'd be the makings for some must-see tv right there. Feel free to add!