Miley! Elvis! Time for dinner!!!

Thank God for the Social Security Administration, right?

I mean, not only can we thank them for providing the most important (and occasionally damning) nine digit combination you will ever need to know, and for providing that neat little annual newsletter of your income history, we can now also thank them for this: Helping me envision the future of my unborn children.


Apparently someone in their office has managed to create some job security over there despite some extra time on their hands, 'coz someone over at the SSA sits there tabulating Most Popular Baby Names. Nice job. I'm a whiz at the sort function in Excel too.

See, when we know the Emma's of the world will be outnumbered by the Emily's, and that the name Jacob will always have to be followed by an initial or last name for clarity, I can already picture what it's gonna be like someday when I finally get around to spawning.

"Mummy! Mummy!" (I have to allow for the possibility I will marry an English aristocrat.)
"What, my honey bunches of oats?"
"May I please have a play date with Jacob?"
"Jacob who?"
"Jacob S."
"Jacob Smith? or Jacob Smythe?"
"Jacob Smith"
"Jacob Lee Smith, or Jacob Michael Smith? Or Jacob Smith-Johnson?"
"Jacob Smith, the one who lives in town."
"OK, then, which town?"

Yes, Jacob still the #1 boys' name. Wonder if that's gonna change if Jacob on Lost turns out to be some disgusting creepy pedophile guy. It's funny how pop culture can have a profound (adverse) affect on name popularity.

"I heard Jen's son is dating Scott's daughter."
"What??? Beckham & Miley are a couple??"

Yes, both on the list. And isn't Miley like a made up name? I think I read that Billy Ray, in all his achey-breaky goodness had a baby daughter named Destiny that they nicknamed "Smiley". And somehow that morphed into "Miley". And then she grew up, kinda became a big deal, and decided to keep the name for real. She had it officially changed. And now my sensible buddy Scott just might name his next kid after freaking Hannah Montana. How am I supposed to take this stuff seriously???

"Honey, what's wrong?"
"I hate soccer."
"What happened?"
"Jacob was mean to me."
"Which Jacob?"
"And then Jacob didn't pick me for his team, and I thought he was my best friend! I almost got picked last, but finally Jacob picked me for his team instead, so Jacob is now my new best friend."
"See! You weren't picked last then."
"Yeah, it was Beckham, again. That kid's a loser. He sucks at soccer."
"Um, we don't talk like that in this house, Elvis. Well, get washed up while I call everyone down for dinner... Hannah! Aaden! Colin! Leah! Alexis! Joel! Dinner! Hey, Rihanna, get House & Grey's inside. And quit hitting your brother."

Hey, after catching the movie "Baby Mama" this weekend and not finding it funny that the name Stefani (as in Gwen Stefani) being used as a punchline, I know now that anything is possible. I hope Facebook & Twitter make it on next year's list. Or Lady. Or Gaga. I'd love both together, but I've gotta be realistic here.

But Elvis? And the worst part is... I don't think people who picked the name Elvis did it in homage to The King. I think they were all honoring The Costello.

So do me a favor. To make things easier and less confusing. Middle Names.

And pick 'em so they make sense. Like "Homer The Philosopher Brown". Or "Miley Yes-As-In-Cyrus Patterson". Or "Bella My-mom-liked-the-name-not-Twilight Burton"

I am certain by doing that you will ensure a future where children are no longer made fun of because of their wacky first names.

I guarantee it.