Poor Old Regular Flu, You're Nobody Now

Can someone just please simply explain to me already what SWINE FLU is by just telling me how it is different from boring old Regular Flu?

Yes, I'm talking about your run o' the mill, every once in a while, need-a -flu-shot, Regular Flu. The one you got every so often, ran you down into a state of delirium and sickishness worst than you have ever endured in your life. And then you get better, and your tales of woe become war stories you share with other people when you hear someone else is down for the count. Even if the last flu episode happened years ago, you still rehash it like you just emerged from the cold trenches of battle. (Or from feverish sweat. Whichev.)

The same old Regular Flu that actually carries fatality statistics in shocking numbers. Shocking enough that watching enough TV reminds you when we're in flu season (which seems to be all year long except for summer), and makes you stop for a minute or so once or twice a year and ask yourself, "Hmm... do I need a flu shot? Oh yeah, it makes me feel like crap sometimes. Eh, new insurance isn't covering it. Think I'll take a pass this year, just stock up on a little more Zicam and Purell."

Yes, that ol' Regular Flu.

OK, so now that we've established that... tell me what Swine Flu is. And since I understand Regular Flu somewhat, put it in Regular Flu terms so I understand better...

...

...

Oh. You can't?

Yeah, neither could I. And apparently, neither could the Internet.

And apparently, neither could THE NEWS.

Yes. The SAME NEWS that is going in overdrive to convince me to dictionary.com the word "pandemic". (But, I fought the urge. I didn't. What do you think of that, NEWS?! I didn't look it up. And I still don't know what it means. So there.)

So. Heck if I know what pandemic means. Or if it has anything to do with the words epidemic, panoramic, anemic, or academic. Or pancreatic. 'Coz I know those words.

There it is. I am not listening to you, NEWS. A pandemic could fall right on my head, and I still wouldn't know it. And I refuse to know it. And yes, you may have convinced me to wash my hands, cover my mouth when coughing and sneezing, and resting if I'm not feeling well. (i.e. Thanks for nothing.)

But I will not --- do you hear me, Charlie Gibson?? -- I will not learn the word pandemic!!!

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Now... if anybody knows how I can find Regular Flu. I know how it can be to feel neglected. And if you do find Regular Flu, let 'em know I'm not upset anymore. The chills. The fever. The sweat. The sweat on top of the sweat. The head pain. Or the other version that comes along with the rampant stomach emptying from both ends. Man, I know it sounds rough, me remembering Regular Flu like this, but trust me. I'm over it. It's all in the past.

So come out and wreck my week or so!! You know. For old time's sake. None of this hype like this Swine Flu nonsense. Because I know you can deliver, Regular Flu. You're a guaranteed nightmare... you know, I don't think I've ever not been 150% miserable when you're around.

And hey, I never did get around to getting my flu shot this year, so it'll be great.

And by great, I obviously mean TERRIBLE.

Oooh! I can't wait!