Wednesday, February 4

I'm getting a shirt that reads: "I don't like men, I believe in eye-for-an-eye justice, I support jury nullification, & my child has chickenpox."


... Gah. GAH. Yup. Came in the mail. I've also gotten the reminder notice that I haven't RSVP'd to the first invitation to the legal bash, mainly because I've spent the last few weeks scouring the web and googling the words "jury", "duty", "excuses", "psychiatrist", and "note".


Anybody think this'll work: if I ask whether or not my other personalities will also have an equal opportunity to share their opinions, too?

I might bring my own gavel ... Seriously, I am a law-abiding-citizen not really because of my predilection for being the quintessential "good girl" but mainly because I have some unfounded fear of the legal system. (Go ahead, take a moment to laugh. You done? Please, by all means. Get it out of your system now.)

The notion of sitting on a jury panel and making a decision STRESSES me out! I mean, what if I make a mistake? What if I tune out and stop paying attention, or worse... FALL ASLEEP! How am I qualified to make a good decision on behalf of another human being if I can't be trusted to stay awake for godssakes?!?!

I mean, even my own family members won't allow me to babysit their children... if they can't trust me, then who am I to decide that some guy owes his ex-wife money for sleeping with the nanny?? Or that even though this kid's fingerprints were all over the steering wheel of the stolen car that maybe he didn't really "steal" the car, per se.

And am I the only person that worries about this? Am I the only person that is so aware of my potential incompetence, that I shouldn't have to come up with an excuse... that the court system should be clearly see that having me on their jury would be a travesty to the idea of "justice for all".

"Uh, yeah we'd like to dismiss Juror 4... I don't think she'll be right for this case if she keeps randomly falling asleep like that."

"I concur! Not even the chronic narcolepsy, but your honor, I think she's been doing Sudoku back there!"

"Granted. AHEM. MISS! Someone wake up Juror 4. Miss, you're dismissed. But in the future, please avoid making such commentary about your physical attraction to other members of this courtroom. But I do appreciate the compliment, nonetheless."

Or maybe it's not just me. Maybe we are all underqualified to be on jury duty, but most of us don't really mind hanging out there all day just having opinions on stuff. Which sucks. Most of my opinions are stupid. I judge people on their appearance. I'm very negative towards the sight of unflattering colors and bad haircuts. I hate reading. Serious topics like government and healthcare are boring. I'm not the girl you bring home if you want to impress your parents. I'm the girl you bring to the bar to provide shock value with my potty mouth and my very un-PC point of view.

Ugh. This is why I don't why I want to do jury duty. It's not the doing jury duty that bothers me. It's the thinking about having to do jury duty. I don't want to screw up, but I think I will manage to screw it up somehow. And ennumerating the ways I may/will screw it up is causing undue stress and making me really dislike myself.

Like, do I have to pay attention? I mean seriously, I get bored EASILY. What about bringing a magazine to read in court? Can I do that? What happens if I fall asleep? Will I get yelled at?

And how about snacking? If I keep a bag of Sun Chips in my purse, is that ok? Or is it ok as long as I share with everyone in the jury box, and in the courtoom at large (including the defendant. Willing to share until proven guilty. I don't share with the guilty.)

Can I pee when I want? This has never actually happened to me but what if I spontaneously feel like puking or something? Can I just run out of the room?

Goodness, I have SO many questions. And I'm sure any of you who have served jury duty know that my anxieties are completely ludicrous, but to expect me to just get over it is proof that you don't know me very well. I worry about everything. Like let's say I actually bother doing this whole jury thing. What if I end up in a situation where I decide something that makes people very upset? Will I have to move? Or change my name? I watch Lifetime, I know what happens to single women on jury duty when defendants get pissed. (Well, I don't look anything like Judith Light or Mare Winningham, so I should be fine.)

So, again. Help. And now I ask meekly, because I know there isn't a thing anyone can say that will really get me out of jury duty. Although, you could tell me stuff that might make me feel better.

Or you could tell me if you're also doing jury duty at the same time as me, so we can swap life stories and details about our personal lives. We might have fun! Who knows, we might even become really good buddies with the other ten, maybe we could do like jury reunion parties, right?

And if you haven't been summoned by the long index finger of the law, don't feel bad.

When I get done with jury duty, I'll tell you ALL about it.

Every detail. Every single. Last. Juicy. Detail.

'Coz that's who I am. A blabber mouth.

(Oh, should I mention that to them?)

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