Merry Christmas! (Here is your card)

From Toni's All Occasion Generic Greeting Card

FAMILY + HOLIDAYS = AWESOME

Highlights of my December so far:

• Thinking I had plenty of time to send out holiday cards
  
• Feeling like the warm weather felt very un-Christmasy
  
• Deciding I'd send out a picture card with pre-printed labels
  
• Scheduling a time to put ornaments on the tree
  
• Trying to find an approprite pic for photo cards that could get printed in 5 days or less
  
• Freezing my butt off because it was now TOO cold
  
• Deciding to boycott Christmas cards -- aside from the economy of 40 cent stamps for sending a picture of me and some kids I borrowed, I accepted that I was too lazy to get it done
  
• Battled the usual tourist crowds at Rockefeller Center and thought, "OK, now I remember why I don't do this every year."
  
• Calculated how many scarves I can knit by Thursday morning instead of going to a mall or (heaven forbid) trying to find parking at Nassau Park (WORST PARKING LOT ON THE PLANET)
  
• Made two different trips to the airport and battled the crush at the baggage claim (See Rockefeller Center comment above)
  
• Thought about faking food poisoning on Christmas Eve to avoid family festivities

Hahahah, yeah yeah and Happy Freaking Holidays to you too! LOL. In light of that, I am posting some tips on how to make the most of dealing with relatives who have planted themselves as semi-permanent fixtures in your home over the holidays. They're sorta obvious, common-sense-ish things, but who am I to just the state of your common sense, especially when you've got some gnarly ignorant bigot making a dent on your couch and tampering with your well-manicured vacuum lines (ok maybe that's just me).

They're from Mark Bryan's "Codes of Love: How To Rethink Your Family and Remake Your Life" -- say that ten times fast. He's the one you complain to if you think they're stupid. Don't shoot the copy/paster. Well, I may add some editorial:

Research! Catch up on family news before the holidays, so you're prepared for conversation and already know what's going on in their lives. Nothing worse than asking Uncle Morty how his "special lady friend" is doing, especially if she's already kicked the bucket, and he's been on the prowl for a new canasta partner.

Cone of Silence. Stay in a hotel. I guess this tip is useful whether you're doing the visiting, or if you're the one being invaded. I do rather like the notion of having houseguests, but sneaking off to a hotel or a friend's house after dark in order to get a good night's sleep. I wouldn't recommend this, though, if you have relatives prone to shoplifting or ebaying your goods for cash.

Focus on the present. That's present, as in now, not gifts. i.e., don't dredge up the past. Don't have any preconceived notions or inflated expectations. If you go in thinking your sister-in-law will show up at the dinner table with her decollatage out on display, you just may be surprised with a chaste frumpy turtleneck. I mean, you still may get the free cantalope show, but you never know.

"I'd like to use a lifeline." Go ahead and keep a friend on standby, someone you can vent to "when meddling family members begin to overwhelm you." Great idea. I'm thinking of having a bunch of my friends and favorite people quarantined to a room with an elaborate phone switchboard, so at any given moment I can pick up a phone and be comforted by the phrase, "Toni's Mental Health Hotline, this is Ben Affleck speaking. Go ahead, Toni, talk to me."

(crickets)

Don't be a slacker. Make a sincere effort to help out. Nothing says party pooper like slob. (Hahah, I will highlight this item on a copy of this list that I posting on my fridge, bathroom mirror, inside shower, couch, door, etc.)

Don't force deep conversations or pry for info. Yeah, "cloak & dagger" nonsense is too heavy for the holidays. Save your drama for a less-important, less-stressful family event. Like Flag Day. Or Armed Forces Day.

Say yes. If the in-laws offer to help out, SAY YES. Don't be coy or try to play the martyr. Even if you think the offer is just a token offer, SAY YES. Frankly, I think if the offer was not sincere, I'd be even more delighted to take them up on it. (Hey, if you don't mean really mean to help out, don't open your trap!)

Baby Trump Card. Those of you with newborns, work it. Hey, I would totally do it if I were you! Make other family members work around your schedule. Heck, I'm thinking about finding a newborn and surprising the family with my "new addition" so I too can avail of this benefit. After New Year's, I'll just tell everyone I changed my mind coz it wasn't working out. I might be able to get away with this next Christmas too.

Say no. Don't let in-laws walk all over you, you are not a DOORMAT! Same goes for actual blood relatives, close friends, colleagues and the like. It is ok to say NO. If you're tired, don't accept an invite. If you're tired, don't offer to bake cookies. If you're tired, you don't have to say "Happy Holidays" back! If you're tired, SAY NO! That is probably the most important key to long life, especially when there'll be a holiday season in every year you're alive. I may get a shirt with the word NO printed on it, flash it when I don't feel like talking.

So there it is. Good luck. I really mean it, and that is my free holiday wish for you. GOOD LUCK.

You'll need it.

Wanna fly to Boston? It's on me.

Seriously. I'll pay for your flight to Boston.

I'm not kidding, first person to email me confirmation, and I will reimburse you for the cost of your fare.

Spirit Airlines is launching a new direct-flight express service between Atlantic City Airport and Boston in May 2009, and they're offering special introductory fares for just $9 each way, but you have to purchase the tickets TODAY.

And the first person to send me proof they bought one of these $9 one-way tickets will get $9 from me. Yes, I will actually give you money. Nine bucks is worth the novelty of seeing a plane ticket purchased for $9.

I know what you're saying to yourself, where is the logic in this? I could just use my own $9 to go to Boston myself. But here's the thing: I don't plan to go to Boston in May, nor do I want to go to Boston in May. And frankly the novelty is worth less the ten dollars to me, and not the total eighteen dollars it will cost to go there and back. The only thing I am captivated by is the $9 one-way ticket, and not an $18 round-trip ticket.

So, no, I am only paying for the one way ticket. (By the way, my offer is valid if you are in Beantown travelling to Atlantic City. I will pay for one of the ways, not both.)

Oh, and of course yes, there's a catch, but it's minor, especially if you travel to Boston regularly. Or if you don't think $39.95 is a big deal.

Because that's what it costs to join Spirit Airlines Fare Club, because the $9 offer is only for Fare Club members. Which isn't all too shabby, bc it's a year long membership that gets you a $9 discount on every flight, and you get access to other insider deals like "super low Fare Club fares often starting in the single digits...sometimes as low as a penny!"

That's not too bad actually.

So there it is, if you actually join the Fare Club and buy Spirit's $9 AC/Boston ticket in May 2009, I will give nine dollars back to the first person to do it.

Here are the rules:

• I am paying $9.00 USD back to the first person to prove they purchased one (1) one-way ticket on Spirit Airlines travelling between Atlantic City & Boston in May 2009.


• The offer expires today 12/17/08, so the purchase date must be today.


• Earlier time of purchase will be the tie-breaker.


• No doctoring documents. Not only is that bad sportsmanship-like, but it is also a stupid thing to do for nine bucks.


• I am not responsible for how you will pay for the ticket, what you will do at your destination, how long you will stay at your destination, food, lodging, souvenirs, or your return travel. I am also not responsible for any extra fees, tax, service charges, etc. Basically, if you don't get that this is supposed to be a fun silly game and intend on spoiling my fun by asking complicated questions and pointing out loopholes, then my little contest is not for you.


• I will pay out before Christmas, so I need proof by the end of the week, either by email at tryan@wpst.com , by fax to my attention at (609) 419-0143, or by mail at 619 Alexander Rd, 3rd Floor, Princeton, NJ 08540.

GOOD LUCK & THANK YOU FOR FLYING SPIRIT!

Arise Jeans! Arise from the dead!

Dry your tears, people.
There is hope.

Your beloved jeans... that you've had to lay to rest... after many memorable years of reliable comfort and low maintenance... brace yourself, but they can now be resurrected. Alleluia.

Now, I know. You're already in the grieving stage where you are successfully letting go, and moving on, so I shouldn't (and wouldn't!) try and screw with your fragile state if I didn't really feel strongly about this. And I don't mean like the crappy patch that would look better on the elbow of your tweed blazer if you were an old school d-bag. I mean like "It was all a bad dream" -kind of "back to life."

And I should clarify, it's not "The Jean Doctor", as Newman originally thought it was called. (By the way, we can all thank Newman for connecting us with this fashion miracle. )

I was grieving on-air yesterday morning, when Newman told me to quit despairing, he knew how to get a [Jean] Doctor in the house.

And sure enough he found it, so I am now sharing this with you: ... it's DENIM THERAPY.

You send 'em your jeans... and after a couple exchanges of correspondence with their diagnosis, their prescribed treatment, a total, and your payment ... they send 'em back good as new. Literally.

I haven't had the opportunity to avail of this service myself just yet, but I believe everything I read on the Internet, and frankly they'd have been cyber-trash by now if their work was crap.

Behind the Mic: A profile on NEWMAN

You know him as NEWMAN, the sweet-talking charmer and button-pusher of PST’s weekday contribution to society, "The PST Wake Up Crew".

But beneath the caffeine-induced chipper demeanor and killer sense of style is a timid and humble artiste with a keen eye for irony and argyle. With the stipulation that I avoid discussing his failed attempts to garner a starring role on an unnamed award-winning cable drama, I was permitted the opportunity to communicate with Newman over the Internet, and here is that exchange:


ME: I figured the best way to get the ball rolling, is by stating, “You are Newman, PST Wake Up Crew producer.” But, who are you REALLY?

NEWMAN: Dick Whitman

ME: Ok. Hmm. Well, Dick Whitman is Don Draper, but really the actor Jon Hamm, you do know that, right? Well... I’ll just take your word for it. So... like, who exactly are your people?.... I mean, either your ethnic group, or your “peeps”. Or both.

NEWMAN: I’m not sure, but Grandmothers seem to really like me

ME: Interesting. Well, mainly because of your first job….

NEWMAN: Bagging groceries at Grand Union and proceeding to run the entire company into the ground.

ME: Yeah, that’s really sad, actually. They’ve since shut their doors and become a gym. Well, moving on, what is your preferred condiment on a cold sandwich … and do you even like cold sandwiches?

NEWMAN: Favorite condiment is lots of mayonnaise.

ME: And to follow-up, what is your preferred bread of choice?

NEWMAN: …whole wheat because I believe it counteracts the massive amounts of mayonnaise I put on the sandwich.

ME: What was your favorite subject in school?

NEWMAN: German. I took 8 years of it and I can only say “Bless You” after someone sneezes . . . which I am pretty sure I knew before I took the 8 years of classes.

ME: Quite a useful talent. Well, do you have a hidden talent?

NEWMAN: I can curl my tongue into a ‘W,’ which on the range of hidden talents, is somewhere right below belching the alphabet.

ME: Can you actually belch on command? Or do you have to be inspired? Like, inspired by a can of really fizzy soda.

NEWMAN: No, inspiration needed. I can in fact, belch on command.

ME: Can you belch whole words, or just the alphabet?

NEWMAN: Neither. Words are too long, as is the letter ‘W.’

ME: Okay, let’s say it’s a quiet night at home and quiet on the social front, you’re finally sitting down to play catch up with your TiVo… what are you looking forward to watching?

NEWMAN: Fringe. I TiVo it because it airs after House, but House is so great if I were to watch it directly after House I would think Fringe sucks. However, by itself it is mildly entertaining.

ME: When I look at PST’s playlist, I noticed that a lot of our more popular selections are people who either competed on or won American Idol. Since the next season is getting started in the coming months, any forecasts on what would make the next great Idol? More of the same types of people who’ve already won?

NEWMAN: No, I believe once the show gets down to five contestants they will be surprised to find out they must form a band which will, in turn, be managed by Diddy.

ME: Any thoughts to joining the ranks of basic cable reality-TV programming?

NEWMAN: I would only consider a non-basic cable reality show.

ME: I often get asked by listeners about the Wake Up Crew, and many questions about you. Like “What’s Newman like?” and “What’s Newman look like?” and “What position does Newman like?”. I know, can you believe that? I have to say that those are things I get asked most in public after the usual, “Are you really that short?” and “Are those really your lashes?” Then it’s almost always all about you. But the thing I’ve been getting asked more often lately is, “I know Newman isn’t single, but what is his type?”….

NEWMAN: I’m flattered and kind of disturbed. I am only interested in girls whose first name starts with a “K” sound. I have dated: Kari, Carol, Karen, Caroline and now married to Christine. This, by the way, is 100% true.

ME: What is in your iPod that would surprise people?

NEWMAN: This is not a joke answer, I honestly have Britney Spears “Everytime” on my iPod.

ME: More specifically, what is in your iPod that would make someone feel compelled to throw your iPod out the window of a moving vehicle?

NEWMAN: Well, I have a few podcast of a show where chefs talk about cooking. They are great until you put the iPod on shuffle and you get five songs or so and then a two hour podcast.

ME: Good call. In fact, I would totally throw you out of a moving vehicle over that. Although, do you think you could handle being thrown out of a moving vehicle? Like, if it was going at a certain speed? Or if you were properly padded? Or if it happened while rounding the bend above a really pretty grassy meadow?

NEWMAN: I believe I am quite aerodynamic and would most likely float softly to the ground.

ME: Well, how ‘bout this scenario… you inadvertently send an impolite scathing email to someone, and instantly regret it as soon as you hit the SEND button. Do you make the pre-emptive strike and follow up with an apology or an explanation? Or are you more likely to devise an elaborate strategy for hacking into their email, or breaking into their office computer?

NEWMAN: I would just kill them.

ME: I thought as much. Any tips on the best apparel to wear in that situation? I mean, obviously, black. But do you have any functional fashion tips for the would-be breaking-and-entering or average criminal type, in general? Cargo pants maybe? Plus, like you’re probably thinking, I may get busted, better have a good outfit for mug shots, right?

NEWMAN: Face paint is very in right now. I would say have those black smudges under your eyes like football players do. Also, you want a material that can breathe, so steer clear of wools.

ME: You’ve often, both publicly and privately, and occasionally not even out loud, proclaimed yourself as an enthusiast of Tom Bergeron’s work. Let’s pretend he died or was extradited to a communist state with terrible human rights violations, and you got his job as host of Dancing with the Stars. What would change? Either about the show, or the competition itself. Or about the format. Or about the dancing. Or about it being a televised program.


NEWMAN: First off all, let’s not even think of Tom passing. Second, it is clear the first change I would make, and I have been quite vocal about this, would be to equip all televisions with a mute button that shuts off Samantha Harris.

ME: OK, the Think Real Fast segment, ready?

NEWMAN: Ye . . .

ME: Too late, that’s just how fast this segment goes. Well then, I’ll just move on to number 2… Janet Jackson or Michael Jackson?

NEWMAN: Janet

ME: Number 3, Dancing With the Stars’ Juliane Hough. Better singer, or better dancer?

NEWMAN: Dancer

ME: Number 4, Arrested Development. Better show, or better band?

NEWMAN: Push

ME: Number 5, Randy Jackson or Michael Jackson?

NEWMAN: Randy

ME: Hah, I tried to trick you. My bad, obviously there's no tricking Newman. Number 6. One Republic or Soviet Republic?

NEWMAN: Republic of Congo

ME: What do you see in the radio landscape in the near future? And not just the small patch of lawn in front of the station, like in the “industry” or media in general.

NEWMAN: Radio will compete to keep people listening longer, which is why I believe in the future every show will end all their breaks with jokes minus the punchlines. “Why did the chicken cross the road? . . . Find out after the break.”

ME: I constantly hear a lot of buzz on the World Wide Web on this... that people don’t like music. And apparently it's this underground growing trend, not listening to music. And not just music, but sound in general. Do you find any truth to that? And if that is inevitable, do you think radio has a future?

NEWMAN: Yes, I think a perfect playlist would be: Maroon 5, The sound of dolphins talking, Fergie, A Waterfall

ME: Finally, as we wind down this engaging “Q&A”, where does Newman see Newman in five years?

NEWMAN: The NFL

ME: How about in five hours?

NEWMAN: In bed

ME: What about in five months? Well, specficially, on April 25th, 2009. I’m thinking of having a dinner party and having you make those delicious canapés that you’re going to learn how to make.

NEWMAN: I’m booked that day.


~ fin ~



Newman can be heard weekdays on 94.5 FM, 5AM through 10AM, and in weblog form at Newman's Blog-o-sphere. "Me" (a.k.a. Toni Ryan) can also be heard on 94.5 on those same days after 10AM, and occasionally only heard by the other voices in her head. Special thanks to the Newman Society of America & Greater Princeton for allowing him to take this time for you, gentle reader. Props also to the Toni Ryan Says Special Events art department, Krystle Meth, for capturing Newman's essence.