If you're a streaker or crazy, stay away from Beijing

Officials in China have got it all under control, people. That's why they've handed down a bunch of rules to foreigners & locals alike to help "maintain public hygiene and the cultured image of [China's] cities."

I could not have made this all up by myself, so we can thank Yahoo News for this story.

Among the rules:

• No sleeping outdoors in an attempt "to save money at the Olympics". God forbid anyone camp out.
• No streaking
• Don't get drunk
• Don't set off fireworks
• Don't wave "insulting banners" <-- so if you've been working diligently on a "Your Mom Is An Olympic Torch" sign, you should probably ditch it ASAP.

Here's a great one:

• And if you've got a mental illness or an STD, you're banned from the fun.

(I wonder what they'd do if you had both.)

My final favorite, the one that tells subway commuters: If you come across unattended water bottles you should take a swig to make sure they don't contain suspicious substances. Yeah, that's right, take one for the team.

Seriously???

If that were me, I'd be like, "You're fricking kidding, right? You want me to pick up that nasty-ass bottle and taste it to make sure there isn't, like, cyanide in there?? Yeah!? Well you can #$!% and %&#!& and stick your unattended water bottle up your %$#!, you $%&!!!"

Hahahahaaaa.
I think there are lots of good reasons I'm still here in Jersey and not in Beijing right now.