Onions: Can't Cry Anymore

Maybe it's coz I'm occasionally a control freak, but I absolutely hate onion crying. First of all it's not real crying. Like, I'm feeling nothing emotionally, and yet I am compelled to cry buckets (and actually, it kinda hurts - that stinging is awful!) And second, it's preventable. At least that's what they say...

I've heard lots of stuff like "run the onion under cold water", "only chop chilled onions".... they aren't so effective... so I saw this one:

To stop the tears when chopping onions, light a candle near the cutting board. The sulfur compounds released from the onions will burn off before they get near your eyes.

Hmm. I'm gonna try it, and I'll let you know how it goes. (Probably as well as lighting a match to burn off certain gasses when you're in the restroom, ifyaknowhatimean!)
Hahaha, maybe I'll try this one I also found online, no less:

Using a knife, cut a cone out of the bottom of the onion (where the roots come out). The diameter of this cone should be about a third of the diameter of the onion, and about 1/3 deep. Take this piece and throw it away (don't put it down the disposal!). This piece contains the part/gland that makes baby Jesus and everyone else in the room cry when you're chopping it up. Once you've gotten that piece out, chop off the top, peel, and slice the onion. Been doing it for years, and it works like a charm. You know your cone is too small if it doesn't work, because you've cut into that teargas grenade.

OK, comedy aside, that actually makes sense. Yay! After all, there's no crying in onion-chopping!

... wait wait wait.

What do you mean you don't know how to chop onions?? Well, lucky you, your friend Toni Ryan has been feeling full of handy stuff-you-should-could-or-would-if-you-really-cared-to-know tips!

There's this handy video on Food Network's website (naturally) that is awesomely instructive on cutting basics, and also some cooking techniques. You might learn a thing or two. I learned about three things, and have successfully managed to fool my friends into believing I can "cook"... ssssh! Don't tell!

Curing Raccoon Eyes

There's intentionally smoky eyes, and then there are racoon eyes. And it can retro-actively ruin a really awesome night on the town... I mean, you're wearing your smoky eyes out and about, flitting and flirting and batting your smoky eyes... and then you get home, arriving on a cloud of cool... grinning about how you serve the public by sharing your sex appeal... AND THEN....

... you look in the mirror, and realize, sometime between a Martini and a little rump-shaking, the smoky eyes morphed into raccoon eyes, and that you will be sadly applying eye-makeup remover to your cheekbones. That is sad, indeed.

Solution? Simple. Two words: "Waterproof" and "Powder".

"WATERPROOF" means waterproof liquid liner, waterproof eyeliner pencil, waterproof mascara, etc. You get the picture.

"POWDER" means powder. Lots of it. Don't be shy. Take your translucent powder (you should have one!), and use a clean eye makeup sponge or clean eyeshadow brush, and dab on that powder on the undereye. Do it before you apply makeup, after you put on your foundation, before you put on your eye makeup, after you apply your eye makeup, after your fully dressed, before you walk out the door, before your third Tom Collins... you get the picture. Seriously, I'm not kidding. Powder under the eye before makeup-ing helps if you do a sloppy job while putting on your eye makeup (seriously, can you at least wait until after before you start on the cocktails?! lol)... any mistake can just be brushed away. Powder under the eye after makeup-ing creates a surface that makes it hard for leaky eye makeup to adhere.

Is this 100% guaranteed, you ask? Good question. No. I don't have a sure-fire way to battle gravity. Makeup drips, it does. However, just remember: waterproof & powder. And that's half the battle.

I'm a Purseket Case

This post has been a long-time coming. I guess because I knew I had so many passionate meaningful things to say on this matter that anything I could've just whipped up wouldn't have done it justice. But now, it's time. Because, friends, with the summer season upon us (what summer has to do it with, I have no idea), it's time.

And the subject du season is: Handbag Organization.

Here for your amusment and consideration, part 1 in a who-knows-how-long special series, I shall contemplate on the merits of The Purseket.

Go ahead. Let yourself ask it: What in heck is a Purseket?

Plain & simple, it is a purse organizer. And not just any purse organizer. It is The Purse Organizer. Observe:

Purpose? Two-fold: 1) To keep your junk organized in a way that you can actually find things when you need them now (as opposed to later, when you're actually looking for something else!). And .... now brace yourselves, you ladies with many handbags (ergo, ALL of you!)... 2) To facilitate your now-organized junk to be easily transferred from one bag into another, easily & with minimal aggrivation.

As the lovely folks of Purseket like to muse:

"Dig in your Garden - Not in your Purse" <-- so clever

:::I patiently await in stunning silence while allowing you to absorb this amazing revelation :::


It's awesome. It is. I own one. It's awesome. Life is awesome. The inside of my purse looks fricking awesome. Your jealousy when looking inside my awesomely organized purse is... yes, awesome.

Let's look again at The Purseket in action!!


So easy to use - the thing just stands right up inside your bag, you fill the pockets with stuff, then drop your wallet and a book or bottled water, or a clean pair of undies right in the middle. Change your mind about your outfit, or maybe decide you want to showcase another great handbag? Stop, drop, & roll, baby! STOP: grab the Purseket out of Purse #1, DROP: the Purseket into Purse #2, and ROLL: as in Rock 'n Roll! <--- corny I know, but I thought it'd be cute. It's flexible, durable, and also has this neat little keypost that you can drop your keys on (and be able to FIND them, every time!) Looking down into the recesses of your bag, and being able to see and access everything is like a very triumphant moment. It's a satisfying moment of sunshine and puppydogs and carousels. (a little different, but sorta like that.)

Coolest part -- it comes in several sizes, so those of you who aren't nearly as paranoid as I am that I might need 11 pens, 2 notebooks, Advil, Band-aids, 3 shades of lipstick, 2 pairs of headsets at a moment's notice, perhaps the smaller Purseket will work perfectly for you. Cooler than that? ...

It comes in several fun patterns!!

(there's more, I just got lazy)

Pocket this Handy Tip: Always choose a bag with high-contrast prints or bright solid colors for the interior lining, because it makes it easier to find things inside the bag. This very helpful piece of info comes from the Toni Ryan Archives of Nifty Tips, passed down to me by my friend Suzanne M. who is known for such clever fashion & makeup observations. It's really a good thing to remember when you're buying a bag (or having one made!*). Most bags are made with black lining, which is nice and elegant, but c'mon! How is a gal supposed to find her black ballpoint pen in a bag like that, when she's trying to jot a "Dear John" note as she's running out the door at the crack of dawn???? (I'm totally kidding, but we've gotta be prepared for such situations.) Seriously, the bright colors inside a bag are not only practical, but sometimes a fun little surprise when you yank open your bag!

OK, OK, settle down, you want one, I know. Well, here's the tricky part. I think you have to order online, through their website... BUT you might find a fun little boutique that carries a couple Pursekets. A while back, the stationery shoppe Joy Cards on Chamber Street in downtown Princeton actually had a couple Pursekets available for sale (I'm not sure if they still have them, shame on me for not checking first).

****

"But Toni," you lament. "I already got myself a purse organizer, one I saw on television!"

Aaah... you must be speaking of the product whose name may or may not rhyme with Schmurse Brite Organizer and may or may not look like this:

Now don't even think for a second I would've embarked on this delicate subject without fully understanding all the offerings out there. I own one of these too. And it didn't take long to realize... it sucks. It does. The additional smaller pockets for individual pen and a small cellphone might seem like clever subdividing. Well it's not. It makes the whole contraption heavy on one side and because the height is so low, it doesn't seem to keep your junk upright, so it constantly sags inside your purse.

Oh, well the little light was a clever idea. And it's awful bright. Or "brite", rather. It'd be pretty useful as a tool to thwart a would-be attacker, you could blind them with the light. I'll view that as a positive safety feature. But other than that....

I yanked mine out and put it in my Purseket.

(*and I know I intimated earlier at making your own bag. Oh, just you wait. This one's a goodie.)

The Purseket and handbag-sanity are both available at http://www.purseket.com/index.html, $15-$25

Nerds for Splinters & Cells

When I was a kid, I was in Catholic school, a uniform-wearing nerd with zero fashion sense.

After school, I'd changed into my ugly-as-sin sweats and obnoxious tee-shirts, leaving on my white wool socks for playtime. I don't remember ever owning any other socks, they were all white wool knee-hi's... well, they were white when we bought them. Wore 'em with my uniform, wore 'em with sneakers, and heck, I even wore them to bed!

Favorite after-school activity for nerdy homebodies like myself? Sliding around the hardwood floors in my parents house, pretending I was a figure skater. Dorothy Hamill and Peggy Fleming were my heroes.

With my gentle glide thanks to my white wool socks on the just-waxed floor, there was no stopping me from Olympic Gold... except for the occasional SPLINTER!!

EW! OW! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGH!!!!!!!!! MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not smooth at all.

I just stumbled upon this online handy tip for removing a splinter:

When you get a splinter, reach for the tape ... Simply put the tape over the splinter, then pull it off from the skin ... removes most splinters painlessly and easily.

Hmm. Does it work? I don't know, since I long ago retired from my wood-floor-figure-skating career. I did do a little more digging and saw this tip again, but specifically referring to duct tape. Yeah, duct tape, that'll do it! Not only will you get that splinter out, but microscopic bacteria from five years ago.

Well, that doesn't work either? There were a bunch of interesting, albeit slightly sketchy, suggestions here: What Random Strangers Think Will Work (The one about the potato was kinda questionable... anybody know if that actually works?)

... but if sketchy doesn't work for you, this is what The Government says on proper splinter removal:

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more to the point:

(Your tax dollars hard at work, ladies & gents)

Gross! Yet so oddly fascinating, right?? So all that being said... any of you biology nerds curious on how white blood cells deal when you get a little boo-boo like a splinter? I thought so! Check this bad boy out:

(don't be scared, you can click on it!)

It's always nice to know that your body's lymphatic system is doing it's job, goshdarnit! Especially while you're sitting there with a soggy piece of potato on your foot!!!

and P.S. if you know why that picture of a cartoon rat is up there, then YOU are a much bigger dork than me!!!!! I had to look it up myself, and that's why I'm only a slightly lesser dork.